The stud`nt is always More Intelligent than the ESL Teacher: The Scale of Values Applied at Riyald’s Konk

03/12/2012 19:14

The stud`nt is always More Intelligent than the ESL Teacher: The Scale of Values Applied at Riyald’s Konk


The Konk Pseud, Riyald, reputedly the major Universe City in the Muddled East, used a `traffic light` system to evaluate its ESL Preparatory Year Program (PYP) teachers, in accordance with guidelines from Performance Management Assessment (PMA) ‘deems’. Teachers who fulfilled the criteria were `green`, whereas `an orange` required further professional development, and a `red` wasn’t retained. Brought over the oceans with a PhD, a B.A. (Hons.) a diploma in Busyness Studies, and a TEASESOUL certificate to instruct Level 4 stud`nts in kindergarten English, it wasn`t surprising to discover that the reading examinations required the stud`nts to tick a box, and that the teacher should deem whether the correct box was ticked.


a) Dr Rusher is an orange. □


b) Dr Rusher is a red. □


c) Dr Rusher is his name. □



 Nihilists teach infantilism, because they don`t want development. That`s how they maintain their demonic perspective that the infant should accept their `everything is pointless` manifesto; an aspect of KAOS: the enemy of Get Smart board technology everywhere. The writing examination consisted of perusal. Stud`nts could pass as a 5, if they`d written 120 words, and as a 4, if they wrote less than 80 words, but a 3 if they wrote less than 30 words. As the pass mark was 1, the stud`nts couldn`t fail. Although amazingly, the teacher, an agent of CONTROL, could. The marking of the exam consisted of not making any marks or corrections on the stud`nts` paper, which effectively meant that the teacher was required to give grades without any signification that a grade had been judged to be awardable. Or, in other words, a `failed` teacher would be one who had attempted to award a `fail` to a stud`nt, who would then deem the adult a ‘demon’. By demonizing the teacher, stud`nts could be `red` and pass. If a pass was awarded unchallenged, the teacher could deem on the correctness of further check box examination papers. However, as deemed by the nihilists’ infantile KAOS manifesto, witnessed by the e-mail address awarded to the teacher,, he wasn’t read as being a CONTROL agent, but as a red `c`, that is, he didn’t have ‘security clearance’ from the Smart Board to operate at the SUK. Accordingly, I responded quoting Chief Smart, controlled bored member, ‘Would you believe I can break eight boards this thick?’1



 Within the `laws of physics` at the SUK, I was an Einstein; taking vitamin C in juice: thinking I’d be an orange. However, after constructing his `Theory of Special Relativity` (1905), positing the existence of holes in space time, through which travelers could pass instantaneously, from a place in the universe to another place otherwise separated by vast distance,2 his testicles and brain were put in a jar.3  Instantaneous sound between oranges had long been established by the Orange ‘phone company.4 However, although the whereabouts of the brain and testicles of the inventor of the ‘phone, Alexander Graham Bell, isn’t a jar, the door at the SUK seems to have been deemed open only to androids who could pass as oranges. Deemed a ‘red’, I was a ‘bloody orange’ for not wanting to be an Orange Android with a ‘phone, because brain and testicles weren’t separated by too vast a distance.


Orange ‘See’ Tablets


 Not arriving until February because, although all of the documentation for the processing of the visa was completed, the Buttapes’ Pseud Embassy required a passport photo downloaded onto its website at a cost of 10 US $, which was technically impossible in practice. Consequently, the employer Edchuck Legspurts’ visa processing was in the UK, although that had had to wait. A break-in at Buttapes’ W.C., that is, the cupboard which had to have a toilet installed, so that it could be called ‘home’, resulted in a visit from the local bullies who, purloining a 1000 mg tub of Vitamin C, took me to the local hospital, and left me there with a syringe in the urethra of at the opening to the penis. Fearing sterilization, and that I’d be a basket case, because ‘kész’ for Hungriuns means ‘ready`,5 that is, ready for another basket; if they’re playing with the orange as a basketball. As the teacher shaves his head, it was evident to the demons that he wanted to be a bald orange. However, what they wanted was a basket, ’Kész!’ Obviously, having an orange every day isn`t enough for a Magic Johnson, but being an orange is enough to stop others from having one. `English` translates as ‘Angol’ in Hungriun, because they can make a basket case from any. In France, during the period of the Revolution (1789-99) that led to the founding of the Republic, the ruling aristocratic hard cases rapidly became basket cases upon being introduced to Mme Guillotine, who severed all relations. Empress Marie Antoinette reputedly had said, when she was told that the French people hadn’t bread, ‘Let them eat cake.’6 Hungriuns evidently believe that making basket cases is what a magic johnson is for. Concerned about HIV/AIDS, the Yarubeans had presumably persuaded them to make the orange’s juice sterile before the teacher, and his beautiful assistant, Cake, arrived.



 It`s in accordance with the nihilist program that the infant be taught to be infantile by the nihilist. Crushteen nihilists perceive that everyone is an avatar of the baby, She’sus, so they`re Anti-Crushteen paedophiles who don’t want development to be arrested at the teenage years, but want to create an infantile perspective in which they permit themselves to remain infants, while permitting the less intelligent infants (that they`ve created) to implement their nihilist agenda as ‘adults’. By focusing on the infant She’sus, and his celibacy, Crushteens have lost sight of the fact that psychological development is dependent on sexual libido (although Christians haven’t), which directs the interests of the individual towards life. Nihilists want to arrest development at infancy. Consequently, to be accepted as an adult it’s necessary to behave infantilely, which is why the French Republic rapidly degenerated into the ‘Great Terror’(1793-4), and Napoleon Bonaparte became Emperor of France in 1799, ‘Not tonight Josephine.’7



 Infantilism begins with the notion that sex is taboo, because the body eats, drinks, and shits, which is what the body is for. According to an infantilism that doesn`t want sexual development, or any other kind, that is. However, because human beings eat, drink, shit, and have sex, the infantile perspective is false. In the developmental psychology of Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961), sexual libido, or energy, is transformed from instinctual to spiritual or intellectual forms. From ‘the father of modern psychology’, Sigmund Freud`s perspective, everything that is `nothing but` the repression of sexual libido, produces such things as the NASA space program, that is, the sublimated expression of the penis as a space rocket, is a spiritual transformation of libidic, or instinctual, energy. Nihilism uses syllogisms like `nothing but` to create infantiles. The body eats, drinks, and shits, so the body is for producing shit, that is, it`s a nihilist syllogism that those who want development, and growth, are misled in their thinking, because they`re for producing shit. Positive syllogisms are Zen koans, however, which is teaching couched in language that puzzles, for example: `What is the sound of one hand clapping?` Amongst several answers, masturbation has been suggested, and nihilists don`t want it, because it`s concerned, at its simplest, with growth. Moreover, such koans are developmental, because the penis doesn`t produce excrement, and a space rocket looks like a `thingy`. For a nihilist a SUK orange is `professionally developable` into excrement, and urine.



 I heard someone say, ‘Dr Rusher has AIDS.’ After a brief interrogation, the statement was downgraded in terms of its offensiveness to, ‘Dr Sheherezades.’ Sheherezade was the heroine of the 8th century collection of stories 1001 Nights which, as a ‘framing device’, has the story of Shah Jehan, who mistakenly accuses his wife, Mumtaz, of adultery and has her beheaded. Apart from the concept of being unfaithful with his brother, because women are a separate futanarian species of ‘woman’s seed` capable of reproducing with each other, they’re a single unadulterated race, that is, men are their adulterate. Sheherezade is the woman that narrates the stories in 1001 Nights, which persuades Jehan to marry her, and so she saves the women of the kingdom, because it had become Jehan’s practice to wed each day, and execute his bride that evening. Consequently, ‘to Sheherezade’, construed as a verb, is an accolade, rather than defamatory. Although it`s the aim of the studn’t body to expose the teacher as a `bloody orange` beneath its skin, suggesting that Dr Rusher has AIDS is reddening. Because HIV/AIDS is spread through shit and piss, it doesn’t follow that Sheherezades’ stories are contamination. According to the syllogism of the infantile, the wife`s head should be cut off, because they only want her to make baskets.



 If all the people at the SUK, who were to be retained, but required further professional development (PD) were oranges, then Dr Rusher was a `bloody orange` for trying to achieve levels that wouldn`t satisfy a nihilist. Pseudi companies had a PMA traffic light system of their own, wherein ‘orange’ is mandatory insofar as they have to employ 30% Pseudis, while they’re ‘green’ if they employ only 70% foreigners. However, they`re tomato red, and disqualified if they employ more than 70% green foreigners, or less than 30% Pseudi oranges. Of course, not even an orange is wholly acceptable at the Konk Pseud Universe City, because the juice haven’t been sterilized:


`Whirl up, sea -

Whirl your pointed pines,

Splash your great pines

On our rocks,

Hurl your green over us -

Cover us with your pools of fir.`



 ‘Oread' (1915) by Hilda Doolittle, the Imagiste poetess, is about the sea looking like the forest. 1001 Nights contains stories of marid, a type of djinn of the sea, which prompts their stud`nts to ask of the overseas teacher, `Are you marid`? Moreover, a qareen is the djinn companion, according to the ‘Slammer, who with an angel comprises ‘hamzad’, wherein the qareen tempts the individual and the angel gives advice. Of course, without a general knowledge of ‘woman’s seed’ extant amongst people, it’s difficult for the angel to be perfect. Moreover, it’s equally difficult for the so-called tempter to explicate that women aren’t an evil temptation, because they’re a single unmarried futanarian species of ‘woman’s seed;, which is adulterated by men, although unadulterated by nature. Consequently, the hamzad is an experiential teacher, which exists to explain humans’ absence from the picture. In H.D`s poem, the djinn are ‘qareen’ and `marid`. Although humans are taught marriage, it’s ring is the basis of slavery. Consequently, the marriage of the green and the sea in ‘Oread’ is Doolittle’s own metaphor for freedom:


`There is shadow under this red rock ...

... I will show you something different from either

Your shadow at morning striding behind you

Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;

I will show you fear in a handful of dust.` (l. 25-30)



 T.S. Eliot`s poem, ‘The Wasteland’ (1922), provides the solution to nihilism. Those who live amongst the rocks need water, which gives life.  In Eden Eve was told by God she'd have perpetual ‘enmity’ between her `seed` and the serpent`s, because in accepting the ‘fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil’ forbidden by God, she’d accepted ephemerality, that is, host womb enslavement for her race. Moreover, in Revelation `the number of the beast is the number of a man`, which suggests 'the beast’ isn’t her `seed`. As a species with its own penis, if women are denied their reproductive valence, that’s evil. Consequently, the serpent`s `seed` is definable as men, who’re enslavers of the human race in ownership as its parasite, while devouring it in war as its parasitoid. The Virgin Mary`s birthing of She’sus, without male semen, was a chance for men to accept 'woman's seed', and convert from the evil of human host womb slavery in parasitism. The birth of She’sus was what Eliot called, ‘the objective correlative`,8 which facilitates the flow of the spirit and imagination towards development; in this case women as a species.



 The red, orange and green scale of traffic light graduating of teachers at the SUK, in accordance with the PMA`s evaluation and assessment criteria, is devoid of any `objective correlative` other than air conditioning, although the structural anthropologist, Claude Levi Strauss, observing that the structure of the external reality often corresponds with the products of the human brain, suggested that the traffic light signaling red for danger was explicable in terms of the sight of blood, for example, which indicates an attendant possibility of greater harm. However, the teacher is more dependent on regulated room temperature. Moreover, although water can be purchased in plastic bottles, in a class it isn`t permitted, and for Eliot the absence of water means ‘dust’, which is the ‘objective correlative’ of the fear of death. The SUK isn’t green, for either stud’nts or teachers; in the absence of air conditioning and drinking water.



 The feast after the month of religious fasting, Rubabum, is `Eat`, which celebrates the sparing of iPod by God. iPod was the founder of Chewedaism, while his brother E’smale founded the ‘Slammer. The ‘Eat’ celebrates both ‘Isreal and the `Slammer as the ‘seed` of Amaninabra, ‘The juice of the `seed` is the same in Tel Aviv.’9  Because women have a penis of their own as a species, the fourfold marriage of the ‘Slammer is a regenerative human archetype, whereas monogamy across the Red Sea in ‘Isreal contains the danger of re-enslavement:


`Ganga was sunken, and the limp leaves

Waited for rain, while the black clouds

Gathered far distant, over Himavant

The jungle crouched, humped in silence

Then spoke the thunder

DA.` (l. 395-400)



 Jeanette Winterson’s novel, Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit (1985) was about lesbianism, that is, the orange is an ‘objective correlative’ of lesbianism for Jeanette, because lesbians represent ‘halt’, so far as ‘woman’s seed’ goes. In the 1990 BBC televised series, based on Winterson’s novel, actress Charlotte Coleman’s central character, Jess, sees red more often than orange, because publishing taboos won’t give the green light to depictions of ‘woman’s seed’: `She had never heard of mixed feelings. There were friends and there were enemies.`10 Just as Eve from the side of Adam’s a euphemism for birth through futanarian self-fertilization, so the emergence of the Holy Spirit from the side of ‘the Second Adam', She’sus, is 'the feminine spirit of God', the Shekinah, who would teach after him, and is knowledge of 'woman's seed'.  Censorship of the mass media is behind Jeanette Winterson’s stated incomprehension: 'I've never understood why straight fiction is supposed to be for everyone, but anything with a gay character or that includes gay experience is only for queers.`4 Lesbianism is a valence of the species of futanarian women with their own penis' reproductive capacity, that is, it isn’t homosexuality, which is men’s. Gran says that ‘the fallen angel’, Satan, was a shaitan djinn, Iblis, who was powerless to do anything other than whisper. As lesbians aren’t 'homosexual', it’s a whisper from the ‘serpent’s seed’ of men attempting to sexually repress ‘woman’s seed’. Circumventing censorship has become the preserve of encrypted lyricism in music, for example, Britney Spears’ 'If You Seek Amy' (2009) was interpreted as F*U*C*K me, which implied that Amy could have fucked her:


`Love me hate me, say what you want about me

But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy

Love me hate me, but can't you see what I see?

All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy

Love me hate me, la la la, la la la.`11



 Unable to be more explicit, human civilization, culture and art is labored. Host womb slavery in parasitism for pederasty's war against 'woman's seed' has to be concealed, so it’s dependent on the individual remaining ignorant. Consequently, teaching is an instance of slavery’s labor intensive charade. Gran says that the figure of ‘the green one’,12 Khidr, appeared to Moses and Joshua, after Joshua had lost the fish for their supper by the Red Sea. Khidr represents 'green' in the 'traffic light' system, that is, he takes Moses and Joshua in a ship across the Red Sea. There's a pause, however, corresponding to orange, because Khidr rebuilds a wall lest the people who knocked it down discover treasure buried underneath, and then he kills a child he says is 'evil', before making holes in ships to prevent ‘pirates’ following. When Moses protests that he can’t understand, Khidr fails him, and bids Moses return across the Red Sea. As developmental psychologist, Carl Jung, saw ‘the fish’ as a content of the unconscious collective human psyche assisting the individual to become conscious, Khidr is ‘the fish’, while the wall symbolizes Jericho, a city captured by Joshua across the Red Sea. Khidr’s story is that Moses and Joshua weren’t ‘woman’s seed`, so they were a liability. She’sus’ subsequent death, Resurrection, and Ascension represents his crossing over into heaven, after being given the 'red light' by the Rumuns for preaching 'woman's seed', makes of him a type of ‘the fish’, Khidr, who’s finally arrived after the Red Sea’s crossed. Humanity’s colonization of the planets among the stars of heaven above the Earth is similarly delayed by slavery. In the Old Mendedtoaster of the Boble, God is described as tormenting Job, because persuaded to do so by Satan, 'Can you pull in Leviathan with a fish hook?' (Job: 41. 1) If the cross of crucifixion from whence She’sus had Ascension, it’s interpretable as the ‘fish hook’ by means of which Satanism was caught out, because humans are 'woman's seed': `Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, `Lord, save me!` Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him [as if he were a fish]. `You of little faith, he said, `Why did you doubt?` (Matt: 14: 30-1) The sea corresponds to the unconscious ‘Self’, and She’sus’ is 'the fish’, that is, a psychic content powerfully emergent.



 Khidr’s companionship is unsatisfactory to Moses, who obeys God's laws, which doesn't extend to killing people apparently indiscriminately. God’s law is better for Moses, who isn’t a superman. In terms of psychological development, Khidr represents the desire of the ‘seed’ of woman to escape from the `maliens’. Driven by horned demons, women in the ‘Slammer aren`t allowed to drive, because misanthropy wants to ensure that everyone is technologically behind. As the heads of the serpent wend their way along the superhighways of their decapitating brainlessness, 'woman's seed' remains the host womb slave of Satanism's parasitism for war against her humanity. In Jungian psychology, instinct is symbolically red, and so men’s stop signs, and warning lights, appear if humans develop intellect, because it`s women`s escape route. Moreover, blue is the color of spirituality, or intelligence, in Jungian psychology, and blue traffic lights indicate a ‘closed system’, that is, when all the lights are red no one can move without permission, a metaphor for the imprisoning and slaving of ‘woman's seed'. In simple terms, blue signifies ‘woman’s seed` attempting to escape:


 `As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them; but they were kept from recognizing him. He asked, `What are you discussing together as you walk along?' `About Jesus of Nazareth,` they replied. Jesus continued on as if he were going farther. But they urged him so he went in. When he was at table, he took bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to give it to them. Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him, and he disappeared from their sight.` (Luke: 24. 30-31)



 Like Moses and Joshua, the disciples can’t see it’s a ‘green one’. In Revelation, She’sus awaits his 'bride' in heaven, that is, as the representative of 'woman's seed', he has the 'green light' to escape the ‘red dragon’, which ‘… stood before the woman who was waiting to give birth, so that it might devour her child the moment it was born.’ (Rev: 12.4) Satan waits in vain to devour the `new redeemer`, who will ‘rule the nations with an iron scepter’ to protect 'woman's seed', before she leaves to colonize the planets among the stars of heaven. Killed by those who knew they were parasites enslaving the wombs of women, She’sus was castrated in terms of his potency, which is why the corrupted church espousing his name and teaching eulogized upon his ostensible celibacy. The church continued the castration of ‘woman’s seed’ by ignoring She’sus’ Resurrection and Ascension to heaven as  prefiguring hers, and by lauding celibacy as ‘spiritual’ instituted sexual repression to prevent men’s host womb slave escaping parasitism.



 Perusing the SUK e-mail address,, it suggested I was C. Rusher, that is, ‘crusher’, which is what `Saddam` translates as, while `Hussein` is `small, handsome man`. Saddam Hussein was the Iraqi dictator executed on December 30, 2006, after being deposed through US’ invasion in March, 2003, for offering bases to Al Qaeda, ‘the base’, subsequent to the terrorist group’s hijacking of civil airliners to crash into the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center in New York city on September 11, 2001, so that they could play baseball. Three strikes and you’re out. Two planes struck the WTC, a third the Pentagon Defense Department building at Arlington, Virginia, and a third was destined, according to reports, for US President George W. Bush’s White House, although it was forced to crash at Shanksville, Pennsylvania, which meant that the ‘hitter’ hadn’t struck out at the plate.



 9/11 was the equivalent of the folktale, Jack And The Beanstalk, in which small Jack kills an ogre, 'Fee-fi-fo-fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman! Be he alive, or be he dead, I'll grind his bones to make my bread!'12 As the World Trade Center was conceived during Jack Kennedy’s Presidency, the Iraqi dictator was the ogre. As the `Big Apple`, with its art and culture grown since Eden, New York city’s skyscraper canyons were the scene of `ticker-tape` parades for Apollo 11 astronaut Neil Armstrong`s July 21, 1969, ‘first man on the moon' celebrations, so 9/11 was a belated Nazi nein to the US space program, because Iraq supported the Nazis in WWII (1939-45), and ‘crusher’ Saddam was the jaws of the dragon. Although Dr Rusher was an orange, it wasn’t for the SUK to call him a Chew too:


a) Dr Rusher is a Rushon Chew. □


b) Dr Rusher is a Crushteen paedophile. □


c) Dr Rusher is a bloody orange. □


1 Adams, Don as Maxwell Smart ‘School Days’, Season 1, Episode 3, Get Smart, NBC, October 2, 1965.

2 Einstein, Albert Annus Mirabilis papers in Annalen Der Physik Scientific Journal, 1905.

3 NPR, ‘The Long, Strange Journey of Einstein's Brain’, Special Series 1905: Science’s Miracle Year, transcript of an excerpt read on Morning Edition from Postcards From the Brain Museum by Brian Burrell,  Broadway, 2005, April 18, 12. 00 am ET, .

4 ‘Orange's Governance’, .

5 Angol, .

6 Lanser, Susan S. ‘Eating Cake: The (Ab)uses of Marie-Antoinette` in Goodman, Dena, and Thomas E. Kaiser (eds.) Marie Antoinette: Writings on the Body of a Queen, Routledge, 2003, pp. 273-290.

7 Allen, Peter ‘Napoleon Wife Letters Sell At Auction’, The Telegraph, March 28, 2010, 10: 14 pm BST.

8 Eliot, T.S. ‘Hamlet and His Problems’ (1915), The Sacred Wood: Essays On Poetry and Criticism, 1921.

9 Bright, Robin ‘The Juice’ in Collected Poems, 2018.

10  Winterson, Jeanette ‘Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit', March 21, 1985, .

11 Kronlund, Alexander, Savan Kotecha, Shellback, and Max Martin 'If You Seek Amy', Britney Spears, Circus, Jive, 2008.

12 Aarne-Thompson grouping, AT 328.

Well Hung in Russia and Sent to Hungary to Starve

03/12/2012 18:54

Well Hung in Rusher and Sent to Hungry to Starve


Not travelling widely was something I did. Until the Briti government invited me for some more head chuck occasions. Emerging with four `O` levels after death threats, and physical violence, during 11 years of skull work, and having gotten a Diploma in Busyness Studies, and gone on to Higher Head Chuck for a  B.A. (Hons.) on a Combined Harvester program featuring Prattive Religion, and So’s Joe-History, it was Busyness as usual with the girls. Being murdered by men so that they could get on. After being amongst their war dead, it was on to Kong’s Universe City for a PhD, ‘Jungian Archetypes in the Work of Robert A. Heinlein’, and so unemployability, because provenly intelligent. In a way resembling the expulsion from the body of bacterial infection, the Britis offered a 3 month course in teaching English to stud`nts of other languages, and I received a TEASESOUL certificate from the Collage of Three Nits, London, and a City and Guilds’ Level 3 NVQ for a further 1 month’s training in how to waste a human brain by having it teach ABC kindergarten English to fellow astronauts. NVQs (National Vocational Qualifications) are `the secrets of the Masons`, that is, envy queues are for killers, who want to move up and be knights to women instead of you.



 Reluctant to leave a three-storied apartment with own bath, kitchen, lounge, dining room, bedroom and sitting room, NVQ level 4s or upwards are, however, difficult to elude. The Britis’ program was to spy on their global neighbors, according to the `trainers`, who not very cryptically suggested Korea as a possible ‘work experience’ venue. I agreed, but was told it was Hungry for the almost starved in ‘Ull, who’d forgone much in order to study, so were prime beef for the Hungriuns. Forced to sell the furniture for a few beads, like the Indians sold Manhattan, the consumer durables didn’t any longer endure. Packing the big yellow suitcase with all the clothing that could be stuffed within, it was lugged to London’s Heathrow airport, where most, if not all, the contents, had to be discarded as being of a heaviness sufficient to prevent the 747 ‘Jumbo’ passenger airliner from lifting it. Querulously, I misheard, `Even with his ears flapping?`



 Ditching the dinner suit, and the coat hangers, the plane was boarded, and punctiliously arrived at Fairy Head airport, Buttapes, with nothing in the mind, other than the vague awareness that, in Eastern Europe, money talked, and sex could be had for cash, whether hard or not. Prior research revealed that the tongue of the Magyar (Hungriuns), was partly Finny, because obscurely shared with Fishland. After travelling 400 kilometers from Buttapes` Western railway station, Pullover Yoghurt, to almost the Rumonion border. While wondering why I was going to Bucharest, something called Stewart met the bus at a town 1 hour beyond Hungry’s second city of Deepratson, Buryou, with worms plaited into its hair that writhed in the sunshine. Musing on the topic of burial and worms was to recollect that, looking out of Language Wank’s window in Ochyagibberin’, Rusher, there was a memory of being hung off the roof of it by the neck until dead by Morton Wheedle who, in another of my incarnations, had smashed my brains out on the floor of ‘Ull Royal Infirmary, saying that, being a brain surgeon with a wife, and an income approaching 20,000 GBP per month, wasn’t indicative of ‘faith’ (Matt: 17. 20). He’d recommended the ‘Faith’ church in Buttapes as the place to get some.



 Dead, employed, and dumped by Eurasian Transportees Commuted (Etc., etc.), to squat and share mattresses with several other male English teachers on the floor of someone`s flat, 500 HUF a day (£ 1.50), from the still paid salary buttons, rented a summer house, while job opportunities were snooped out, affording a longer sojourn, rather than sloping ignominiously home after 3 months, which was management’s `plan` if nothing turned up in the way of employment for the evictees. Although it was the employer's responsibility to clothe and feed all of us, we were known by the locals as ‘the English beggars`. However, that could've been a pronunciation error. Wheedle’d had a pal, Jiff, who’d struck me dumb. Regressed back to childhood, so that English could be relearned, although I hadn’t any interest in speaking to anyone, belief wasn’t going to be buggered too. Extricating my butt off the floor in the almost undiscoverable village of Buryou, I went to be ‘born in the spirit` from a swimming pool in Deepratson at the local ‘Faith’ church, while awaiting further developments. Apparently, it's where ‘Julies’, that is, girls, look hot on video-cassette, before they're ‘snuffed’ for encouraging adultery.



 Escaping to the Briti Council at Deepratson Universe City, Hungry`s English language teacher training program there was, apparently, run by the previous murderers of my future hopes, Wheedle and Jiff, who were perhaps `still active` within the higher echelons of MI69/11, or its more famous invasive intelligence organ, Bagpuss (1974), an establishment ‘TV’ series about a cuddly toy, which had been devised by paedophiles as a tool for the brainwashing of young minds to accept alien sex with its parasites,  ‘Wake up and look at this thing that I bring.’1 When will Gary, ‘the Hun’, reveal himself?` I mumbled incomprehensibly to my listeners.



 Jiff, in Deepratson, a psychopathic criminal who, once thinking he was working for Griffyndor House at novelist K. J. Railing's famous Hairy Botty character’s Warthog, skull of Watchcraft and Wizzitsme, had an invisible griffin attack, and strike me dumb. With a ‘rebooted’ brain, I’d relearned English, and arrived to find Jiff waiting breezily amongst the Anglophiliacs. While Jiff, Wheedle, and the others, were salaried, I had a bunk. Visited irregularly by a girl from Buryou, I was reluctant to continue the process of dumbing down Central Europe's post-So Feared population; to the point where their English language ‘experts’ could affect a `professional demeanor`, which is what the English ‘native speaker’ professionals called, ‘Working less for more’.



 The phenomenon of laziness masquerading as industriousness was endemic in England. Monkeys want bananas, so the secret of `monkey economy` lies in having the humans produce them. The monkeys, who don`t want development, or growth, but only bananas, represent the equivalent of a human brain disorder. After the males have eaten the bananas of the women, that is, ‘woman’s seed’, the women have to accept the bananas proffered. In fact, scientific research suggests that HIV/AIDS `derives` from monkeys, that is, the monkeys' bananas. The monkeys are effectively homosexual, because they're not interested in the women’s bananas, other than as something to eat. However, as humans produce bananas, the monkeys collectively enjoy whatever banana harvest the enslaved, that is, sexually oriented humans, produce from their dying brains and civilization, art and culture. Banana bred, all humans become monkeys; until the `virus` reigns supreme and the race is lost.



 Although the tree of evolution mightn`t remember how it produced bananas, acceptance of simian behavioralism makes banana growers of humans. Of course, monkey theory is that it has a stockpile of bananas from which it can grow more humans, whereas theories of human development assume that it can grow and escape from the monkeys, and their sex and brain diseases. Individual spiritual and intellectual mental development, based on the desire to eat and have sex in better places, is `wrong` from a homosexual point of view, because it interferes with their bananas. Homosexuals are those who don`t produce themselves, that is, the human race are their slaves in parasitism. Consequently, God destroyed ‘the cities of the plain’, Sodom and Gomorrah (Gen: 16, 19), where sterile sodomy was practiced, and `thou shalt not steal` was God’s broken commandment. In short, homosexuals enslave as parasites for a few bananas, which is why HIV/AIDS, discovered by DR Congo in Africa in 1983, derived from the simian SIV 1 virus. The ‘incurable killer disease’, transmitted by homosexual monkey-fuckers, mixing blood, shit and semen in each other’s anus, became the sexual valence of the capital of the movie industry in the district of Hollywood ‘Babylon’, city of Los Angeles, in the West coast state of California, U.S.A., where in films like Scream (1996) or Saw (2004) many women were murdered, or mutilated for ‘entertainment’, as the product of  homosexuals’ studies of human behavioralism resulted in the mass media sanctioning of `sex slaving` women as a species to steal their bananas.



 Behavioralism is the most simple of psychological theories, so even a monkey can understand it, which is why it’s implemented almost universally. Humans have two physical valences: fucking and eating. From the behavioralist perspective of homosexuals, what's 'wrong' is fucking, because it’s likely to interfere with their desired banana intake. Sex is `wrong` because homosexuals need bananas and not women. Consequently, the homosexual valence is more successful because its aims are not obscure. It wants to live, but it doesn`t need heterosexuality, or indeed women. In defining human sex as `wrong`, the disinterested homosexual entrepreneur curtails the flow of human instinctual development through intellect, that is, spiritual work, so that the humans forget how to build spaceships, and all brains are effectively lobotomized by the lazy banana eaters, who’re more determinist, `Eat all, sup all, pay nowt.`2



 Devouring is the prime concern in Hollywood, where New York is swamped with tsunami tidal waves in movies like The Day After Tomorrow (2004), or in Escape From New York (1981) in which actor, Kurt Russell, as ‘Snake’, endeavors to assist the US’ President to leave the home of `liberty`, a maximum security jail in the scifi future . Amidst collapsing skyscrapers, the inmates seek to prevent 'Snake' leaving  with the President, ‘Tell this to the workers when they ask where their leader went. We, the soldiers of The National Liberation Front of America, in the name of the workers and all the oppressed of this imperialist country, have struck a fatal blow to the fascist police state. What better revolutionary example than to let their president perish in the inhuman dungeon of his own imperialist prison.’2  Feigning amusement at the Americans for not being able to understand that they were making a movie on 9/11, 2001, Hollywood released World Trade Center (2006), while the Yarubeans claimed to be competing for even larger audiences, ‘I don't think you guys realizes this but this country is now at war.’3  Those who tuned in ‘live on CNN’, and other network ‘TV’ channels,4 for the Al Qaeda terrorist attackers’ crashing hijacked civil airliners into the Twin Towers of New York’s World Trade Center, approximated to 2 billion switched on television sets globally.



 The economic valence of the `ape of God`, which is a biblical label for the evil, because they 'ape' humans, is that of the movie, King Kong (1933). Hollywood’s `monkey picture` is the story of a giant ape, who climbs the Empire State building in New York city, because he wants a woman, which is a metaphor for the heights aspired to for a ‘top banana’. Actress Fay Wray, sitting in the palm of Kong’s hand, as the film’s love interest, Ann Darrow, symbolizes the banana-less woman, who can’t grow. Consequently, Fay represents futanarian ‘woman’s seed’, that is, she ‘apes’ food, which the parasites upon the human race’s host womb have fed upon in their wars against her ‘seed’. Moreover, the parasites can't conceive of themselves as being born from 'woman's seed', because they have the brains of bananas. Kong's ascent up the Empire State building is symbolic of the apes’ desire to devour the human race in war, while keeping a firm grip on its stolen banana.



 The setting for the 1976 remake of King Kong was the new 'world's tallest building’ in New York, the World Trade Center, an economic symbol of  the homosexual valence, that is, rough trade’, which expects bananas to grow, while itself remaining sterile. The 20th century's valence was of the `owner` of the `producer`, that is, capitalism as the possessor of the womb of the human host, and its parasitical devourer in war against what she`s able to produce in the way of civilization, culture and art. By the 21st century, ‘woman’s seed' was rediscovered through the masses’ engagement with pornography, which represented greater access to knowledge, and a desire for more leisure, although predictably it resulted in wars of re-enslavement, which was what Al Qaeda’s terrorist attack on the Twin Towers of the WTC, when it crashed hijacked planes into them, was designed to promote. Because God`s plan was to have women reproduce with each other, men`s valence of war in homosexual pederasty against ‘woman’s seed’ was brutally exposed.



 In Revelation the devouring `red dragon` waits in vain, while `the woman clothed with the sun, and with the moon at her feet` gives birth to the `New Redeemer`. The new economics is the product, that is, ‘woman’s seed` is a species with an independent spiritual and intellectual valence. God is woman`s developing of herself as the producer of what she desires, which is herself. Before 9/11, 2001, the `Big Apple` of Kong’s New York city was the articulator of the voice of human civilization, culture, and art. Afterwards, it had to learn to speak. Looking dumb just wouldn’t ever be the same again.


1 Firmin, Peter, and Oliver Postgate Bagpuss, BBC1, February 12 - May 7, 1974.

2 Stevens, Nancy as a terrorist in Escape From New York, AVCO Embassy Pictures, 1981.

3 Shannon, Michael as Marine Sgt. David Karnes in World Trade Center, Paramount Pictures, 2006.

4 Deans, Jason ’16 m Glued To News As Tragedy Unfolds’, The Guardian, Wednesday, September 12, 2001, 16.31 BST, .


Magicians or Teachers

24/06/2012 10:15

Magicians or Teachers


The Japanese have a concept of man in relation to the externality, the concept of 'Mu'. Everything that exists outside the individual is, potentially, part of his/her 'Mu'; or, to put it another way, what appears in one's field of vision/experiential domain is, in fact, 'for us' and, in a very real way, the creation of our minds - 'we get', as it were, 'what we want' in terms of our developmental requirements.


  In the parlance of Jungian psychology what is happening is that the archetype of the "Self", corresponding in religious parlance to 'God', is providing opportunities for personal growth and enrichment, which is where the educator becomes important - as an interface between the child and its internal 'mission'. The usual approach is for the child to be taught that the world is a difficult and dangerous place against which it - and its parents - need to protect it. The result being that the child sees the outside world as a threatening, hostile, alien 'thing', a situation complicated by parents who have problems of their own; child abuse, violence, psychoses, neuroses etc., possibly due to previous problematical educations of their own including false conditioning and social maladaptation. On the other hand, if the growing infant is taught that, for example, the world is his/hers - like a virtual reality film script - to use the latest techspeak - in which the child can write his/herself, but becuause he/she is small and vulnerable, its parents will guide and care for it until it is sufficiently developed enough to access the medium, the child's relationship to, as it were, 'God' is of a directly developmental or 'personal' one, that is, what happens to the child as it grows is aimed directly at him/her in terms of his/her development or progress.


 The use of archetypal symbolism/imagery in pediatrics does not end there, however. It also has a role to play in the developmental understanding of children with dysfunctionalities, for example, it is ofteny - as if by magic - the helical structure of the benzine molecule appeared in his mind. The point here is that, if we can juxtapose archetypal symbolism or imagery associated with, let's say mathematics or chemistry, then those images could help the student grasp the subject more easily - to say nothing of the possibilities for creativity.


 The use of Jungian archetypes and symbolic motifs in the analysis of the unconscious is widespread, but their role as a framework with which to measure/enhance the level of consciousness is not. It is, for example, well known that the unconscious of a woman from Manchester may contain elements from symbolic structures/systems as diverse as Egyptian mythological fragments and Tibetan mandalas, as well as images from the Judaeo-Christian tradition that constitutes her background. The point here being that knowledge of the various symbol systems/frameworks, which would be the task of a Jungian educator, is essential in mapping the level of development/functioning - the chakra system of energy points and their associated mental images/symbols in Kundalini yoga and the system of Sefiroths in the Kabbalah are but two instances of models available for the purposes of such mapping - and also in his/her task of monitoring, gauging and guiding the child's creative potential, that is, through the literary/artistic products of its 'imagination'.



 The role of sex as an educative medium cannot be ignored. The importance of the channelling of libido in ensuring developmental progress cannot be overemphasised. Consultation with experts in the field of pediatrics, particularly with regard to the linking of movement therapy with speech articulation, suggest that concentration upon correct body posture with regard to the crown of the head produces normal individuals at the expense of their creative potential. In Kundalini yoga the third chakra in the vicinity of the solar plexus is described rather poetically as a plenitude of jewels, a reference to its in potentiam character, corresponding in psychological parlance to the wealth of psychic contents waiting to receive actualization in the psyche of the individual, the fruition of which is symbolized in alchemy as the cauda pavonis or peacock's tail, but which might also be described as the 'crown jewels' a suggestion that has both a sexual connotation - in the English vernacular a reference to the male genitalia - and a psycho-physical dimension in terms of the crown of the head or lotus chakra in yoga. Sex or Tantric yoga is, therefore, indicated as a useful form of therapy in assisting individuals who, for whatever reason, are unable to realise their blocked potential due to socio-economic conditioning which tells them that work, marriage and the raising of a family - a situation associated with the third or solar plexus chakra in the Hindu system - should be the zenith of their aspirations, and is in fact 'normal'. Of course, vested interests may have a role to play. There are elements of society - Freemasons, for example - whose goal is to maintain the status quo and keep the mass of people at a low level of consciousness becuase they are easier to manipulate that way. Emphasis in Christianity, for example, upon logic in the form of Logos rather than Eros may have been necessary for the channelling of libido into the creation of a technological approach, but at the expense of the brain's as-yet unmapped capacities (a human being we are told uses only 10% of its potential); in other words, the field of Eros is a territory which needs to be opened up and fully explored if an individual is to maximize his/her intellectual/creative potential.


 With regard to youth culture and, in particular, the taking of drugs and the need to find a solution to the problem of those seeking to recover from substance abuse, recent experimental studies in the field (see Appendix 2) suggest that the use of symbolic structures and archetypal frameworks in the environment can be useful in producing a therapeutic relationship between individuals and what often seems an alien and hostile world surrounding them. Results indicate that the use of symbols in the externality as iconographical tools - just as one might 'click' on icons in a computer - by focussing one's energies upon a particular motif, produce effects associated with that particular 'icon', thus creating a more creative, playful and harmonious relationship between 'subject' and his/her reality. The therapeutic applications for those  experimenting with drugs is great - and I am not an advocate of such methodologies, but if it's going to occur isn't it better to give those undertaking this self-examination or research exploration into inner space all the information they might need in order to survive it?.


 But there are further far reaching possibilities with regard to future scenarios in connection with this concept. In theoretical physics there is a very famous experiment (see Appendix 3) in which an electron gun is fired at a target. A camera placed next to the target records that each electron arrives as if travelling in a straight line. However, further observation reveals that, in spite of appearances, if the electrons are watched by technical apparatus at a point midway between gun and target, they show signs of deviating from the direct path and, as it were, choosing one amongst many alternative paths to the goal, that is, each electron chooses from a plethora of possibilities within what the phsicists describe as a 'probability wave', a notion that gave birth to the theory of parallel universes or multi-realities and which has some significance for us in our concerns with transcendent consciousness or higher levels of functioning. In short, the extrapolated conclusion would be that, if human consciousness can be said to be responsible for determining the reality which it inhabits, then it must also be possible, by changing the level of consciousness or neurological functioning - either developmentally organic, biochemically, or some kind of fusion of the two approaches - to choose which world to inhabit or even produce alternative worlds through the power of what Jung referred to as creative imagination. The notion of world-as-computer offers the further possibility of individuals being able to simply 'ask' for and obtain what they require, which quite possibly is the area of experimentation for those elements of the drug culture with enquiring minds?


 The question of whether or not moving objects can be categorised as having the attributes of icons is one which brings us into the areas of behavioural psychology and what I have described elsewhere as 'human hieroglyphics', an ancient form of symbolism familiar to us from Egyptian temples and, to take a rather less well known example, the Tarot deck of the seer in which the posturings of the characters depicted in the twenty-two major arcana are associated with the hieroglyphical forms of the twenty-two characters of the Hebraic alphabet. And what of Yin and Yang, the male and the female? Indian temples celebrate the acts of physical love in three-dimensional stone carvings, so what would a study of the 'hieroglyphics of human sexuality' reveal?


 Ethical questions remain to be resolved for advocates of this biochemical and developmentally organic approach. On the one hand, is it appropriate to intervene pharmacologically in the growth process?. On the other hand, is it desirable for an individual's awakening libido to be channelled into sexual rather than mental activity and vice versa? In the end the decision has to be for the individual concerned, the task of the developer or educator being one of guidance and as a facilitator of choices already made.


 The proposed study requires the stimulation and observation of the creative imaginations of subjects in relation to the available symbol maps in order to ascertain what, if any, correlations exist between the 'maps and the territory' of the collective unconscious, and the implementation of a programme resulting in a description of the effects produced in the environment by a creative interface between hum difficult to ascertain in infants whether they are highly developed in terms of mental activity - or they are mentally deficient. The use of an archetypal methodology using sound and visual stimuli of an archetypal nature - and the careful monitoring/gauging of the reactions on the part of the infant to this input - can both determine the level of mental activity and, perhaps, assist in facilitating the infants' individuation. The same techniques can, of course, be applied in organically assisting the developmental progress of 'normal' children. By using appropriate archetypal material within the framework of textbooks or computer programmes alongside the usual illustrations and diagrams etc., these images can act as catalysts for developmental/individuational impulses. To take an old example of the sort of thing I mean, a Hungarian scientist working on the structure of the benzine molecule dreamt one night of a serpent eating its own tail, a central motif in Jung's theories of individuation, and the next daan consciousness and the world-as-computer as oulined above.


 The use of hypnotherapy and, perhaps, hypnotic hallucinogens to facilitate the unlocking of  the individual's self-awareness and requirements in terms of his/her potential and goals (part of the battle for individuational growth is discovering just what the person concerned wants from life, before using techniques like archetypal imaging and hypnotic autosuggestion to get them moving away from whatever they thought their problem was and towards their self-discovered and, if the Jungian educator is doing his/her job properly, self-programmed destiny.


 A study of the effects produced by the 'hieroglyphics of human sexuality' involving sex therapists/therapy and analysis of the static image as found in pornography of the 'Playboy' or 'Leo' types as well as cinematographically is also indicated. As is an Investigation into the role of  prostitutes as 'sex therapists' in cases of disturbed individuals with sexual 'handicaps', that is, developmental dysfunctions with a sexual basis, for example, a man who seeks to hurt himself with a knife may be involuting a desire to be hurt by another person, a desire which might have been channelled into sexual playfulness had the need been diagnosed early enough, a case that could still prove to have a developmental outcome if the 'therapist' - or, rather, prostitute with her proven 'emotional control' and 'can do' attitude in encounters with the psychotic or disturbed - knows what to do. Advantageous in the sense that it would provide us with an opportunity to both legalise, sanction and train the 'oldest profession in the world' and also provide much needed individuational therapy for a strata of society that both requires it and, not to mince words, needs to be made 'safe' for the rest of us.


How To Get A Job In TEFL

12/02/2012 12:29

How To Get A Job In TEFL


Walking into a language `studio` in Buttapes asking for a job, they said, `Send us your CV.` E-mailing back that there was work, `with some companies`, sleeping all through the next day said something of my enthusiasm. Often a `dummy` lesson is required, and the dummy shows what it can do. Old hands throw away the textbook and demonstrate their skills at juggling; playing the guitar (simultaneously), and making those useless items from empty round Dairy Lea cheese slices boxes, and squeezy Fairy Liquid detergent bottles, which they show you how to make on BBC TV`s Blue Peter (1958-), and that invariably turn into a pipe rack. Without fail, it gets the nod.


 Attention drawn to the `window` of a classroom where a Philupyournose (with coke) teacher had written on the board: `It is raining yesterday.` He`d been through the interview process, and it was a ‘demo’ lesson. However, somehow they`d missed the fact that he didn`t know the difference between the past and present tenses. `Hey Mark!` we hailed him afterwards. `What was you want?` he retorted. `What`s the past tense of the verb `to be`?` we wanted to know. `You is joking,` he snorted, `any English worth his mustard know the pass tense is `been`.` Mark was reputedly among the chunkies addicted to heroine, who was often heard to describe her lifestyle as 'blowing chunks'.


 Mark was still working there when I left. The stud`nts liked him because he knew less than they. It was encouraging for them to operate under the umbrella of one who had as little clue as themselves about the present. He was also pleasant, which might not get you a job. However, it`s certainly how to keep one. I can`t manage pleasant, but I can do polite. I`m afraid that the idiocies of stud`nts would drive me crazy if I tried pleasantness. It`s too close to friendly for my liking. I can be warm and polite. However, pleasant and friendly doesn`t sit well with my teaching machinery. Stud`nts ask you to have tea with them and meet their mothers. I`ve never met a `mom` yet who looks like the Brazilian supermodel Adriana Lima (1981-) and I consider the invitation a broken promise if she doesn`t.


 ELT tools become dulled when it`s about maintaining relationships and that rapport much spoken of by management as essential for the smooth running of a group. You spend all your time being `accessible` and `flexible` that time passes and the stud`nts have forgotten to open their books because you didn`t have time for that. The secret for the true ELT professional is - chocolate. It produces the same chemical in the brain as when you are in love. I scientifically ate bucketsful of the stuff in Poe-Land when teaching at the Lęgpork Grammar skull there, the SLOTH, in 2000. The chocolate made me feel as though all the children loved me, which is useful if you`re loathed and despised for trying to enable them in speaking your language. It was no accident either. I`d done research on the internet. It was either chocolate or the empathogen-enactogen psychostimulant drug, MDA (ecstasy), I`d decided. There was a group of mainly young male adults to explain myself to in 3b. The brisk conversations we had amongst ourselves were of a type:


T: `Okay, today we are going to use our writing books.`

S: `You are a fokwat.`

T: `Please open your textbook - the blue one - at page one-hundred-and-ninety-seven, `How to write a letter in English to a friend (not a busyness letter).`

S: `Dear fokwat. We is love you.`

S2: `You is a fokhed. Sincerely.`

S3:  `Yours is faithfully fokwat.`

T: `Notice that the letter begins with the address, in the top right corner, of the person you are writing to, and do not forget the postcode.`

S: `Mr Fokwat Teacher, 6 Fokwat street, Fokwat, Fokshire, F-O-K, You K.`

T: `Your address is written on the left opposite the addressee`s.`

S1: `Good Polished man, 10 Excellent street, Very Good Polished Town, P-O-L-S-K-I #1, Poe-Land.`

T: `Very good [polite but ringing under the blows of the assault to my ears and sensibilities]. After that, begin with `Dear...` and then the name of the person you are writing to.`

S2: `Dear Fokwat, you are the best teacher. I am in love with you. You are the best we have. I want to have rabies with you.`

T: `No,` I say, `you mean `babies`.`

SS: Frowning in puzzlement. `No, rabies.`

T: Sighs heavily. `Chocolate anyone?`

 The children were `reaching out to me`, when they weren`t reaching into my pockets. I had 500 Polished złoty lifted from my jeans during one draining excursion into the all-but-prison-in-name we euphemistically `taught` at. Though their teacher was in receipt of only 1600 złoty a month (about $1,000 US), a young woman did, in fact, `reach out’. `I love you.` said Anya apropos of nothing at all. `Anya, she is for you,` Maya demanded of me in a classroom further along in my teaching schedule. `You can press your suit,` Maria illuminated me as I gathered up my bumf towards the end of another doom-laden day of diphthongs and declinations. `Decline the adjective `good`,` I`d command. `We don`t want it,` they`d say.


 Anya was 13, I was nearing 40, and the local church was 200 meters away. I handled the affair by sedulously avoiding eye contact with the marriage-makers and pressing on with the possessive, `We always put an apostrophe after the noun to indicate that the noun belongs`, I tell them, knowing full well that they hadn`t any idea of the meaning of the word `belongs`. `So, if the chair belongs to Jane, we say `Jane`s chair`,` I write it on the wipe board. Always stress words they don`t know, to make them think that they do, and stop them asking you questions - they`ll ask the person sitting next to them. `The chair is belonging to Jane,` they explain me, `no apostrophe required.` `No,` I patiently demur, `the chair belongs to Jane. It is Jane`s chair.` `It`s my chair. Jane can`t have it. Let her buy her own fokkin’ chair,` says a helpful class member. `Let`s hit her with it,` says another. `I understand,` a clever devil tells me, `Jane`s a chair.` `No,` I scan the heavens for mercy, `Jane`s a young woman (never let female stud`nts know that you think of them as anything less than wise old women). She is not a chair.` `No, she`s a chair,` responds the clever devil, `that is, she has a chair. The chair belongs to her.` Broken, I weep.


`She’sus wept` (John: 11. 35) is of course the shortest phrase in the Boble. There are much shorter ones in my phrasebook: pithier too. Although the in person application, or `walk in` is productive in terms of employment, they might upset your equilibrium by suggesting `training`. Bullitz centers require a series of role-plays, for example, between a prospective hotel guest and the receptionist:


Hotel: Scene 1


`Do you have a room for a single person?`

`Do you mean a room for one, and your wife or mistress is coming later? In which case you can have either a room with twin beds or a double bed. Or you are single and are going to invite an unspecified number of prostitutes to stay with you for an unspecified amount of time (in which case you can have either a room with twin beds or a double bed). Or you want a single bedroom because you want to invite an unspecified number of prostitutes to the hotel at various stages in your stay here for an hour or so of `fun` each time, and you`re too cheap to pay for a double bed and/or too embarrassed to tell us, that is, the hotel management, what you are planning to do. Or you are a boring loser and you want a room with a single bed because there isn`t going to be any action?`

`A bed for one person, please. I`m happy with my hand. Do you have the adult version of Disney`s `1971 movie Bedknobs and Broomsticks on cable?`

`Okay, that`ll be twice as much as the double or twin bed room then. For being nerdy.`


  Hotel: Scene 2


`Hi, have my bags arrived yet?`

`Who are you?`

`I rang earlier, I`m Jerry Tribblethwaite from earlier when I rang. Have my bags arrived yet?`


`Sorry, it`s with my bags. I rang earlier.`

`No passport [makes tiny scridgy marks on letter headed hotel notepaper].`

`I can pay. My credit cards are with my luggage.`

`Can`t pay [makes even scridgier marks].`

`So, you see how it is?`

`Yes sir. You have no ID, no money, and no luggage. You`re a street person and an `alien`. Please remove yourself from the hotel foyer, there are customers waiting.`


Hotel: Scene 3


`Hi, room service? This is Herbie Postlethwaite from when I rang earlier. It`s been four hours since I ordered coffee. Where is it?`

`Just a moment sir ... The rooms` attendant says she left a cup at the door, sir. I expect it`ll be cold now.`

`Why did she leave it at the door? Am I supposed to push a straw underneath it and drink from a recumbent position?`

`She thought you might be naked, sir. She says she heard noises suggestive of bath water.`

`Please send her up with another cup and assure her that I shall be naked.`

`Yes sir.`


 It was `teaching the invented other language` that defeated me. The others were much cleverer at inventing words; like `giboba` and `geboba` meaning `to go home` and `to be at home` - allegedly. Showing ‘em two fingers. I carelessly enunciated the word `*u*k` before, placing the thumb and forefinger on one hand together to make a circle, thrusting the index finger of my other hand inside the circle repetitively to underline the meaning. Needless to say, I was surplus to requirements on that, and possibly every other, occasion.


  At one point in my journeyings, in 1996-7 several Buttapes’ language skulls, that is, ‘nyelviskola’, claimed my services. Bull on Tulips & Nuts St., Lungeamore across the Danude (there’s a suspenders’ bridge between Butt and Apes), which is opposite Orange Janus #3 Metro station, Mutterlang on Fishukrodi, near Pullover Yoghurt, the `Western railway station`, Intapint near the ELTE Pay Universe City, Bottom Rung at Call Vin #4 Metro station, and Planeat in Meal Square. Spreading it about is necessary, because a lot of nyelviskola won`t give you full time employment, so that you remain a slave; living hand to mouth. As everyone is a ‘piece worker’, `moonlighting` within the ‘black economy’ is unavoidable, because the companies of the East expect to win by taking all of those of the West’s pieces who can’t make it onto the bored.



 Proofreading is a staple. Hired in ‘96 by Hungry’s Institute for Head Chuck Occasional Research (CHOIR) to write their CRAP (Centre Raison d'être pour d'Alma Pont) report on Higher Heads, while shuffling around dust-laden corridors at the former So Feared Institute for Removing Potatoes (IRE), there’d be invitations to correct papers. Often just a comma, or a single letter, in a document of a few pages, would require correction. It was a ‘top up’, because the salary was inadequate. Though grateful for the handout, it’d have been starvation without it.


 Being careful about what you agree to do is important. With a job at N.Y. Elvskulls teaching at GG Drek, an architect`s firm in Butt, they wanted a text proofread, which was time-consuming, technical and specialized. There was a time limit with no extra payment on completion. Shortly after, N.Y Elvskulls dispensed with my knowledge and expertise. GG were typical in that they thought learning Busyness English was about how to keep the English busy, that is, they were slavers. `How many beans make five?` I’d begin. `Five,` they’d tell me humorlessly, and I’d ask, `How do you spell `beans`?` ‘P-I-N-S,’ they’d say. ‘No,’ I’d tell them, and write B-E-A-N-S, ‘which is the plural of the noun bean.` `How much is a tin of beans in Hungry?` I’d ask. `Skodas are about 5 million HUF [about 11,000 GBP],’ they’d tell me. `How many tins make five?` I’d drill. `Five,` they’d tell me, and how do you spell `tins`? I wanted to know. `T-E-E-N-S,` they’d say and, writing T-I-N-S, I’d say `the plural of the noun tin.` `How many beans in a tin?` I’d ask. They’d shake their heads nonplussed, ‘You have to get them into the teens,’ they’d say. `Yes,’ laughing mirthlessly, ‘and it depends on the bus size.` `You are German,` they unsmilingly asseverated. Understanding had been reached at the summit.


 In the UK there are professorial chairs who`ve gotten their positions by adding up the number of times the word `but` appears in Shakespeare`s (1564-1616) plays, before another of Academe’s buttheads accepts it as publishable research. Everybody is a specialist in ‘informatics’ in Buttapes, which is  geekspeek for IT, although they’re encrypters. Hungry learned the art of secrecy from successive occupations by the Germs (1944-45) and Rushons (1945-89). Now they secrete, decode and encode, while receiving the title, `Informatician`. It`s reminiscent of the former So Feareds’ awarding of the Order of the Toenail First Class to the local podiatrist.


 Having problems with my laptop, an acquaintance suggested an ‘Informatician’. Despite the ridiculous-sounding title, surrender of the laptop saw its returning with all the information lost, and a brand (Microsoft) spanking new Windows Vista (in Hungriun) installed. A few years later, another laptop in need of a tune-up was returned with an entire drive missing. With vehement aloofness my acquaintance vouchsafed, ‘Stolen.’ Expertise in informational technology isn`t confined to Eastern Europe. Walking into a computer shop in Riyald, after careful examination of the ASUS netbook, the Informatician announced, ‘I can do nothing.’ At a second IT genius’ shop, he announced, ‘There is nothing on the hard drive.’ Thieves and criminals. If you`re any sort of a creator, back up your work, and never let it be seen; until you`re ready for that. Elsewise, it`ll be whipped out from under your nostrils by someone with a nose for a Hollywood-bound script, and about as much respect for you as you have for the English language stud`nt who, carefully scrutinizing your face for the solution to which verb requires the ‘s’ ending for the present simple third person singular, smilingly wipes his bogies down his shirt (leave blank if you feel no verb ending is needed):


Q1. The egg boil victoriously.

Q2. Shakira go like a leopard on coke.

Q3. The bus stop for Marilyn.

Q4. The rain in Spain fall mainly on Susan Boyle.

Q5. He love kangaroo droppings.



 People are too stupid to use the `s` ending on the end of the verb for the third person present simple,1 so let them not use it. This latest statement from US’ linguistics suggests dumbing the population down even further. On US’ ‘TV’ shows, especially `streetwise` characters, `He the man.` Dressed up as `smart` by New York rap musicians, `She got it.` However, making the `s` at the end of the verb optional, or not required, is a way of telling people you think they`re too stupid for words. Getting a job in TEFL is difficult enough, without telling the truth: disgruntledly.


1 ‘Needs washed’, Yale Grammatical Diversity Project English in North America, Yale University, .

Dr Rusher in Russia

12/02/2012 12:01

Dr Rusher in Rusher


The pitfalls of being an English language teacher are many and varied. Take my wife, for example; people seem to. On my passport, it says ‘single’. However, among the first words the director of a Rushon branch of Language Wank, London, said to me, when I arrived in August 2003 in the city of Ochyagibberin’, in the state of Bashyourears, were 'Your wife's here.' What to say? 'Oh,' decidedly, 'where is she?' It all seemed straightforward enough. 'We will take you to her,' said the director, whose name was Giselle ('Gizu' for short), and she introduced me to her brother, Fares, whose name is Yarupric, and basically means 'knight in shining armor'. They were Muzzlems and, to push the fantasy elements a tad further, if you look at the map you'll see that Bashyourears, a state of the Rushon Feed Her Asians, is in the shape of a wolf's head. Its inhabitants (roughly half Muzzlem, half Rushon Crushteen paedophile Orthodox) are therefore known as 'the people of the wolf'. Stif Stalin, the murderous Rushon dictator, used to draw wolves' heads in the margins of signed death warrants; sometimes for thousands of people at a time. I hoped that the knightly Fares and his sister would prove to be what I needed to keep the Rushon wolf from the door, where I lived in the inevitably, but unimaginatively named, 'Lemon' apartment block, which was named for Ilyich Lemon, the revolutionary of October 1917 that, when the Rushon Tsar, Nicholas II, was murdered for taking over command of the army, resulting in a series of defeats against the Germs, established the Commonest theories of German Karl Marx`s Das Kapital (1868) as the basis of a new state, wherein `workers control the means of production` and give all of it to the government: sharpish.



 Although Commonest thinking couldn`t grasp the fact that women were the means of production, because women were the reproducers of inventive human brainpower, through futanarian `woman`s seed`, the resultant ape-like simian consciousness host womb slaved in parasitism. As `TV` manufacturers, they were the producers of wars entertainments for the alien pogromer, so were successful `TV` apes, which rather more accorded with French novelist Pierre Boulle`s 1963 socio-historical program, La Planète Des Singes (Planet Of The Apes).


 Waiting to see if Gizelle and Fares would unite me with the fabled missus, while watching Chechnya`s capital city, Grozny, being raised to the ground in the Northern Caucasus, Rushon Feed Her Asians `TV` broadcast the pictures to the capital city of the Bashers, Ufo, and the region of the Ural mountains beside the Volga river where they lived: to deter revolution there among the Muzzlem populations via `TV` remote control. Of course, there are Rushon Chews too, which raises tensions in the population, because of the antipathies between Yarubeans and Chews since 1948, when Egypt; Jordan; Iraq; Syria; Lebanon; Saudi Arabia, and Yemen attempted to invade, and prevent the creation of a Chews` state in Palestine, which was given to the Chews after WWII`s Nazi pogroms. As the Germs` extermination of 20, 000, 000 Chews in `death camps` is understandable as the alien vampire`s wanting to muzzle God`s `TV`, and prevent it from having any juice, so that God`s program couldn`t ever be seen, the Rushon Feed Her Asians of `Vlad` Puttin`, that is, the Tartars and Bashers, were the political juice allowing his influence to remotely control the rate at which the Muzzlems holed out against the USA in the Crazy Golf War to prevent God’s women from getting airborne on their eagles’ wings.


 In the `Slammer of the Muzzlems pictures of the human body are `haraam`, that is, forbidden. If pictures of the sexual reproduction of the human futanarian species of `woman`s seed` were disseminated, people couldn`t be defined as `TV` pictures to be devoured by men’s wars. As men and women, whose warmth  manufactures themselves as a single male brained transvestite wearing each other’s clothes, the `TV` has to be warmed up, which is what politicans do. They control the `TV` remotely by deciding which ‘set’ gets the juice. As the evil `TV` god of the Johns in Egypt, Set, dismembered, so `woman`s seed` wouldn’t be able to reproduce the brainpower she needed to escape host womb slavery in parasitism to the Yarubean pogromer, who wanted to convince everyone to prefer the geometric patterns of `Slammer art to naked women and, thereby ensuring the extinction of humanity, made another US’ victory for Moslem ‘TV’ certain. What the Crushteens hadn`t understood was their acceptance of the Rumun Umpire`s perspective. She’sus didn`t have any balls, because he was a celibate, and not having balls were what peoples were for, because that was pornography. The human species of futanarian `woman`s seed` wouldn’t have any brains, and the Crushteen paedophiles muzzled the women in bondage, so that they’d ‘do it like dogs’, while they chewed on thoughtfully after each failure to prevent another `TV war`.


 Having taught that day in Ochyagibberin’, morning and evening, would they take me to my wife? Unfortunately, no; it was getting late: maybe tomorrow? Rushon `TV` was turning me on, and turning me off again. Between 1973 and 1995 in the UK, there used to be a BBC kids` show, Why Don`t You Switch Off Your Television Set And Go And Do Something Less Boring Instead? (WDYSOYTSAGADSLBI), which is what Crushteen paedophiles do. They manufacture children as their ‘TV’; to watch them being switched off in their wars. Brief reports continued to be received on the status of my putative wife, 'Yes, she is still here.' However, 'No, we cannot take you to her.' Remaining single, in accordance with my documentation, was torture. The ‘wife’ and I had become Rushon `TV` entertainment.



 Alone, there was nothing to be done. The solution was to throw myself into work, and so it began. Teaching the small groups of children that came to the several storey building-undergoing-renovation in which, ensconced at the apex as the sole imparter of the English tongue, the teacher competed with the sound of road drills, rivet guns, and cement mixers. However, it was all in a day's work for the deaf ears of he who earns a living by wearing ear plugs. A stud`nt, Crushedin, on a wise day of the bleak grey moon, said 'I have something for you.' Fearing it was an opportunity to impart the English tongue, it was nonplussing to hear, 'A gold Blue Peter badge.' Awarded the highest honor in English BBC Children's `TV` in the mysterious heartland of mother Rusher, it was nevertheless an obligation laid upon me by the pogroming of the suiciders to reject such gifts as illegal fraternization with the stud’nts’ bodies.


 In 1999 in Lęgpork, Poe-Land’s SLOTH gymnasium, the girl, Anya, had given me a boxed gift set consisting of a watch, pen, cufflinks, and key ring. Giving it back on the strength of a careful reading of the employer’s contract, section 4, subsection paragraph iv, line 234, ‘no fucking with the kids,’ wheel teaching was resumed at  the Konk Carlid Military City, Dalek, Pseudi Yarubeer. Dutiful attendance was required at the male nurses’ passing out ceremony. Presented with a wrapped package in recognition by the NWLFH (North West Legged Forces Hospital), it was the boxed gift set with the same watch, pen, cufflinks, and key ring.


 Wearing the watch almost continuously until accidentally cracking the glass, while driveling and drooling on in Sedan, Kartomb, for Oxfudge Internal Nepotism (OIN, K, S). I'd a habit, as stud`nts don't like you checking your watch to see how much more of your precious time you have to spend with them, of leaving the watch on the desk; so that it could always be covertly seen as I banged on about the stupidity of Americans who wanted to leave the 's' off the end of the verb when using the third person pronoun. That`d make it easier to learn English, and have us all sound like morons from a white trash can. So fulminating, and gesticulating too wildly, misfortunately the watch was knocked off the desk and broke on the tiled floor. Though getting the glass replaced, and the works repaired, was difficult, there was a motif on it, a golden Eiffel Tower. Perhaps a gift from Paris Hilton?  We’re all blind if we can’t see the woman’s penis:


`Even though the stars are blind
If you show me real love baby
I'll show you mine.`1



 Crushedin, who didn't give up, would 'keep the badge safe', and shortly said, 'There’s something else in my bag.' It was a Hugo. Named for Hugo Gernsback (1884-1967), a science fiction writer and critic, Hugo Nebula Awards were given by the Science Fiction Writer's Association of America (SFWAA). Assuming it was for a PhD written on US’ SF writer, Robert A. Heinlein (1907-88), whose Starship Soldier (1959) inspired the 1997 movie Starship Troopers, I put it on the desk, `If you wanted to teach a baby a lesson, would you cut its head off?`2 Sure enough, there was a small brass plate with Hugo Nebula Award stamped into the perspex in black lettering. Seconds later, `brother` Fares walked in; picked up the Nebula and walked out with it. Looking at Crushedin`s boobs perplexedly, she glowered in annoyance. The Nebula, and nightly on her, had been forever lost.



 There’s a logic to the unusual. Going to Rushon from Buttapes, where .hu is the internet country code for Hungry’s domain, Ochyagibberin’s coursebook was Go, so it was as Dr Hugo that, Self-Begetting, Self-Devouring: Jungian Archetypes in the Fiction of Robert A. Heinlein, Milford Series, Popular Writers Of Today #70, Borgo Press, 1997, had been schizophrenically written by Robin Usher as his PhD at ‘Ull Universe City. Only awarded a pass for a doctorate, in Monopoly terms it was clearly PASS GO, and collect a Hugo Nebula Award. Some play Waddington's Monopoly, and MB Games' Mousetrap, while Real Madrid buy Gareth Bale. There's no law against being as crazy as a bedbug, although there’s getting caught and undergoing brain destroying electric shock treatment.



 On the subject of imprisonment, Gizu had photos of internees at a summer camp she'd attended as a kommandant, or summat. 'That's Tomsk,' she'd indicated a face, which caused me to chuckle. 'No, it isn't,' I'd said, 'that's Tum.' He was an American ’s that’d been at Deepratson shortly after the fall of the Commonests in Hungry in `95, where I'd been exploited on a Briti Studies’ program. Receiving the equivalent of a month’s unemployment benefit in the UK, as a member of the Deepratson Universe City staff, those employed by the Briti Council received the monetary equivalent of a flat each financial quarter. Although 'Gizu' was adamant Tumsk was Rushon, 'dumbass' Kupper wasn’t. At my rented flat in Deepratson, we'd watch actress Lara Flynn Boyle as Donna Hayward’s Twin Peaks (1990-1991) and actor Kyle McClachlan as FBI agent, Cooper, saying 'Damn fine cup of coffee!'3 It wasn’t. It was awful.



 Language Wank arranged for me to be a Summer English Skull (SES) kommandant at Bolyiregs's Ural Regional Experimental Head Chuck Occasional Scientific Complex. With an appellation like that, where would the cages be? With a friend in Hungry, whose father and mother were Rushon teachers trained in Lemongrad in the 70s, they’d a collection of KGB (Committee for State Security) medals from the old So Feared system, 'This one is the Hero of the Soviet Workers Award, which was awarded for sewing buttons on the uniforms of the Pioneers [Soviet Girl Guides], and this one is the Hero of the Soviet Revolution, First Class, which was awarded for removing buttons from the uniforms of the Pioneers, and this one is the Hero of the Revolutionary Workers of the Soviet Union Award, which I received for counting the buttons ...'



 Hungry, along with the rest of the former Sore Pecked (1955-1991) countries, had rejected the formerly compulsory Rushon language, Комите́т госуда́рственной безопа́сности (Committee for State Security) in favor of English as their skulls’ second language. Hungry’s mum and dad had to retrain. He put his finger to his lips, and put my friend in a rabbit hutch before poking her with a stick through the chicken wire, ‘Caged  she be.’ At Bolyiregs summer camp the teachers were called 'cameras'. If there was an accident with a stud`nt, they’d rewind the film. If Petrushka was left on the cutting room floor, she was footage wasted.


 A stud`nt at Language Wank, Ochyagibberin’, was Rosa Delishichy, who wore long, black evening gloves to keep off the cold Rushon winter. Offering to take me home with her in a taxi, Fares and Gizu, the captors of the unseeable wife, were loathe to allow me to roam too far from the prison gate, 'We'll come with you.' Prohibited by contract from fraternizing, the invitation was regretfully declined. France’s Emperor, Napoleon Bonaparte, probably felt the same without his Empress Josephine, when exiled on the island of Elba, after his defeat by the Duke of Wellington at the battle of Waterloo (1815). Mapping out the boundaries of the death card, with Fares and Gizu as the guards’ borders, so far as relationships were concerned it was always going to be, 'Not tonight Josephine.’4


 Rosa bought me a Rushon to English, ‘and back again’ like Bilbo,5 dictionary, which is essential for an ELT pro` travelling through the farmer’s So Feared Onions. It's never too long before it's demanded of you, 'Why you don't learn our speak?' The myth is everyone wants 'native speakers'. With a teacher willing to learn their language, and teach them English, they can then abuse him/her more meticulously. Similarly, having learned what the Holy Al Coholic church teaches, they abuse others for not understanding, so they`ll be forgiven. Certain that heaven is their reward, God`s paedophiles award teachers and students the portion of that eternal unendurable pain they’re in a position as administrators to apportion; in the devout belief that their partners in the learning process deserve it.


 That language learners want 'native speakers' is bogus. They want 'bad words in English', which is always forestalled by saying, 'I don't know any.' 'What does 'fuck' mean?' a Yarubean asked me malapropos; as they do. After explaining that such words are ‘haraam’, that is, forbidden, in English language teaching, if he wanted to know, Olde Irish `og` meant `egg`,6 and etymolgists suggest `og` is a linguistic root for `fuck`, which bears some relation to the pollination of flowers by bees. He wrote a handwritten apology on vellum parchment, which he dedicated to ‘Allah’, and the Brafit M'mumhad, Screwed up, it was chucked into the wastepaper basket unread, ‘Blessings and peace be upon him [BPUH].’ Abusing the teacher, for insisting that he’s pronouncing Mr Robot`s name incorrectly, is symptomatic of stud`nts. A colleague's name was posted on the door of his classroom, ‘Rebort’. It’s no surprise that there’s never a robot around when it’s wanted.


 Yarubeer`s stud`nts commonly use 'nigger' to distinguishing themselves from blacks. I patiently explain that you mightn`t expect to leave the room alive if you called a fellow stud`nt `nigger` in the United States. However, blithe they are in their ignorance it’d be nice to see them get `bitch slapped` by Barack Obama in a Chicago bar, state of Illinoied. Pharmacy shelves in the Muddle East are stacked with skin whiteners. Reactions from the language skull in Riyald to the premature death in 2009 of pop musician, Michael Jackson, were disparaging because of his using skin whiteners. It`s a norm in the Muddle East that`s largely ridiculed. American blacks are perceived by Yarubeans as 'disrespected' by the United States. Consequently, they practice calling Americans 'nigger', like actor comedian, Chris Rock, in Rush Hour (1988), `What`s up, my nigga?`7 I tell them, ‘Michael was the same age as me, and I can dance better than him.’ 'You?' they jeer. 'Better than him now,' I say, and vogue, poutingly, 'I'm bad!'


 When not working abroad, or staying at the converted sack room above a bakery, known locally as `W.C. Buttapes`, because it was either install a toilet, or crap in a plastic bag and leave it to be refused, before it was habitable, it’s a return to East Yorkshire's more prosaic environs of Kong`s Town Upon ’Ull. As it was in So Feared Rusher, living where you want to in England is verbotten by the sim (eon) `phone card wielders, `the sons of Kong`, who cite the movie, King Kong (1976), featuring a giant ape atop the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center in New York city, with actress Jessica Lange as Dwan, held doll-like in Kong’s tight fist, as the model for their terrorism, which requires the corralling of known thinkers to isolate the contagion. In King Kong the ape is released from where it’s been corralled by DR Congo and taken to the USA, where Kong is subsequently depicted planning the defense of ‘woman’s seed` and the WTC before the September 11, 2001, terrorist attack by ‘the sons of Kong`. Rediscovered by DR Congo in Africa in 1983, the transmission of the HIV/AIDS ‘killer disease’ variant of the simian immune virus (SIV) by homosexual monkey-fuckers’ mixing blood, shit and semen in each other’s anus, was attributed to the feared Kong. Using their ‘sim’ cards to activate their ‘phones, ‘the sons of Kong’ had corralled intellectuals in ‘Ull to prevent a return to Indo-China.


 Only going back to England when ‘skint’,8 that is, penniless, the rule is to return to the last place you resided in before leaving, so it’s always ‘Ull. Tertiary skulling took place at ‘Ull Collage of Further Head Chuck Occasions (H.C.F.H.C.O); ‘Ull Collage of Higher Head Chuck Occasions (H.C.H.H.C.O.), and ‘Ull Universe City (‘U.U.C). As with internal exile in Rushon, there’s no escape. Before returning to Hungry to continue working on the script of Star Wars & New Rope, corralled amongst ‘Ull's poorest on the 17th floor of the Moanthrope block of flats at Charred Pork housing estate, which ‘death camp’ was demolished a couple of years later to conceal the atrocities, strolling on the lawn, or paths outside the ugly monolith, unwanted furniture would narrowly miss heads as it came hurtling down from upper storey flats’ windows.


 The perennial question from each new class of hard-of-hearing students is, 'Where you are from?' I tell a story of ‘Ull. The Briti map using the OED software installed for the Smart Board reveals Newcastle-Upon-Tyne, Stoke-On-Trent, Berwick-Upon-Tweed, and Stratford-Upon-Avon, 'Birthplace of the immortal board.' As all of these places are built on rivers, ‘Why do you suppose the name for the city is ‘Ull? Shouldn't it be Kong?’ During the English Civil War (1641-1651), the fop Charles King came to town with his moustache-twirling cavaliers, and the round headed people there, who’re now called ‘the sons of Kong’, cut off King’s head, and implemented Parliamentarian rule. ‘Because King and Kong were people,’ Armored suggests, ‘whereas ‘Ull is a river.’


 As rules are what keep us alive, we learn. In the classroom, don't have relationships with stud`nts, and don't accept presents; to avert the scandalmongering of sexual favors and 'bribes for grades'. Some of us follow the rules. However, they can be a straitjacket. In Syria at the Al Forats Petroleum Company in Terrosaur, a stud`nt, `Goliath', put a suitcase atop my desk. Unzipped, it revealed bundles of Syrian pounds (SYP). I exclaimed joyously, ‘The hackneyed suitcase full of money!’ 'Your sister is here,' he told me, 'we will take you to the bank and help you spend it,' he informed me. Judging it impossible that she’d arrive with SYP bursting, help wasn’t needed in the spending of it, `Can I see my sister?` Offended that anyone would want to see a woman when she should be muzzled beneath her burkha, Goliath closed the suitcase and walked off with it. 'A mistake,' he ground the words out through his teeth. The SUK in Riyald wasn’t nearly cheer enough after that.


 Similarly, in Dalek, Pseudi Yarubeer, at the Training Centre military personnel came and gave me a cheque, 'What's it for?' I wanted to know. I asked the Philupyournose with coke administrator, Levi Strauss, how much it was, because it was in Yarupric. He said, 'Quite a lot.' Pinoyed pay is lower than a westerner`s, which is what annoys them. Salary is based on spending power in country of origin. However, he suggested depositing it in the Star Bank where we cashed our salary cheques inside the wheely big Konk Carlid Military City, where I was working among the big noses on wheels. No way. During a Dalek weekend, refused by several banks when asking for cash, or to deposit the cheque for a debit card, at the Riyald Bank, an administrator told me a car would take me to the airport, where a plane could be taken to fly to Riyald where the cheque could be deposited. The car duly arrived with the woman, Rabat, who I recognized. However, as women aren`t allowed to drive in Pseudi Yarubeer, there was a chauffeur, a ventriloquist who`d persecuted me with throwing his voice, before finally killing me on a metro platform in Chuck Square, Buttapes. He couldn’t be trusted to carry an ice cream in winter. Didn`t getting into the car, I left.


 The cheque was still pocketed a year later when, after arriving at London, Heathrow, and stayed at a village hotel, in a fit of pique and/or despair, it was torn up and flushed down the toilet. Receiving small cheques sometimes for science fiction stories, later I knew what I should have done. Because `All For Nought Ufonaut` appeared for Sam`s Dot Publishing in Shelter Of Daylight (2010), there’s a framed cheque from the editor, Tyree Campbell, for US $ 10 drawn on a bank at Cedar Rapids, state of Iowa on the bookcase. I could cash it. Thinking is what keeps us alive.


 In Bashyourears, Ochyagibberin’, Gizu and Fares had broken away from Language Wank to set up on their own as Double Plus + + Good Language Wank. However, contract bound, it was an obligation to stay with Language Wank, and Rushon headquarters in Ufo determined on a new Muzzlem director, Yevgenya, 'Call me Jane.' With her brother Peter, it was a thickening plot, As the spayed was raised, it toppled into a freshly dug hole … For Crushteen paedophiles, She’sus was celibate, which is as good as castration, and is what paedophiles crush teens for. They don`t want adults. They want children. Consequently, She’sus paid for their Redemption in the sense that he represented the child victim, who could be tortured to death, while the torturers received forgiveness. That’s how Crushteen paedophiles think. According to the Gran of Islam, there was a man called Isa, who was crucified, but it wasn’t Isa, who wasn’t. In other words, Isa’s crucifiers were Isa, which is why they’re redeemed by Isa. They weren’t Isa. They were Isa’s torturers, which is why they think they’re forgiven. If they’d been Isa, they wouldn’t have experienced forgiveness, because Isa was tortured to death, which is torturers’ logic. For the sinless tormentors, as a celibate, She’sus was spayed in advance of the death of ‘woman’s seed’. With my putative wife in the grip of the Rushons, who wouldn`t let go of their victim`s balls? 'Jane' had been a stud`nt with Language Wank, and brother Peter too. It was a typical East European Cold War scenario, `May I torture you teacher?` Of course, that’s what Crushteen paedophiles’ ELT is for. Local thugs want to torture English speakers for fun, while being assured of forgiveness, because they’re She’sus, while describing their torment of the foreigner as `political`.


 Setting about the busyness of exploiting my knowledge of first and second conditionals, everything went relatively smoothly until, one malapropos afternoon, Peter asked, 'Will you marry me?' As a male lesbian, that is, a man who prefers women, it wasn’t a good suggestion. However, it doesn't pay to upset one's employers; especially in the Feed Her Asians (1991-) of pagan Rusher’s. With one's wife still captive, and oneself still single, who knows how many Asians would be bacon on a BBQ, while the Yarubeans turned the spit, and watched their eyes explode, which is what happened to Bum Honest Pitt, `Man Of The Year` for 2004, when his class was taken from Muckfield infants` skull to the Institute for Active Pubescents (IAP) in Riyald. Stoically soldiering on, wondering if the wife was fed, why wasn’t it that I hadn’t been prepared for this by the TEASESOUL trainers?


 Hoping Peter wouldn't begin to wolf-whistle, when I began teaching the class he'd decided to be a part of, was to be reminded of the wolves in Stif Stalin's doodlings. The statues of the fathers of the October 1917 Commonest Revolution, `Vlad` Lemon (1870-1924), Rushon Marx Brother, Karl (1818-1883), and Joanne Stephanie Stalin were pulled off; after the So Feared withdrawals from the Sore Pecked (1955-1991) countries in the late 80s and early 90s. Although there was still a statue of Lemon in the town square of Ochyagibberin’; to remind everyone that this Feeder Hated state of Mother Rushon's was Commonest. Perhaps Peter was looking to be a Rushon bride, and escape with me to the west?


 'We've been told to give you your freedom,' said Peter to me one day as we awaited the usual posse of stud`nts. It’s advisable to think of them so. Fear their mercilessnesses, while expecting to be hung with about as much ceremony as it takes to open a bag of Lays` potato crisps, which of course are ‘chips’ to our American cousins, because of stakes, and the fact that they all want to have one in a good lay. Asking a vampire, that is, a stud`nt, 'What did you think when the Americans hung Saddam?' He’d been about six years old during Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein's invasion of Kuwiat, but forthright in his condemnation of the US, 'They should cut off his head with a sword, but not this ..!' Angered, he was at a loss for the words needed to express what he felt. The well hung try to ejaculate into more than their pants. Hussein, whose name meant `crusher` and `small handsome man`, was `Slammeric.  Me, I'd try to fake the orgasm. Australian rock band INKS' former lead singer, Mitchell `Rabbit` Hutch, used to put a rubber noose round his neck, and bungee jump until he came with his cock inside chanteuse Wylie Pinochle, and his next, The Tube (1982-1987) presenter `Baller` Yetis (1959-2000), wore black after he miscalculated, and didn`t come to see his sodden end.


 'Just walk out,' said Peter. I gazed out the window at the forbidding Rushon street scene, 'I am not a number. I am a free man!'9 I said, quoting the late Patrick McGoohan's character, 'Number 6', in the surreal 60s tv serial, The Prisoner (1967).  However, as ‘the sons of Kong’ would’ve pointed to their sim cards, because men and women worship them as the ‘false gods’, which they are forbidden to do by God in the Bible, everyone is a prisoner of sim eon man: ‘Let he that has wisdom understand; the number of a man is the number of the beast and his number is six hundred three score and six.’ (Rev: 13. 18) As ‘woman’s seed’ is logically 33.3% of the human species, men and women are 66.6%, that is, 666, so they’re beasts for not allowing human reproduction. Moreover, reproduction would increase women’s percentage of the vote. Consequently, the beasts are a dictatorship, rather than a democracy: ‘The second beast was given power to give breath to the image of the first beast, so that the image could speak and cause all who refused to worship the image to be killed.’ (Rev: 13. 15)  McGoohan had been ‘secret agent’, John Drake, in Danger Man (1960-2), a previous `TV` series, and The Prisoner was a Cold War setting in which he fought the interrogators’ psychological warfare perpetrated against him as the tortured, Christ-like figure, ‘Number 6’.


 Bound by the rules of the contract, the appearance of the day's motley crue of misspellers, mispronouncers, and Miss Rushons (sometimes it’s hard when you're a teacher), was miserably anticipated. For years since, the decision of the parole board for time-served English language teachers on probation has vacillated over whether to spring me or not. McGoohan's character would attempt to discover why he was being held in architecturally bizarre Porthmadog, Wales, and who was keeping him there? For Peter, I could sleep in the gutters. I had the freedom to starve: `Oh those Russians …`10


 Going almost every day to the local park with a statue of Lemon, which was kinda yellow with bumps at each end, and with a packed lunch after my morning shift with the dozy articles and the gormless gerunds, one day walking towards the traffic roundabout, where the street to the park was, it wasn't there. Standing back, and looking around, everything seemed normal. However, the street was different to what should have been there. Checking my bearings, steering a straight course, it’d be possible to turn right around, and come back to the start point. Walking for two kilometers or thereabouts, there was ne'er a sight of the park, or a sound from the Lemon statue. Turning around, and walking out of the street at the traffic roundabout, going back to Language Wank for the afternoon shift seemed the best course of action. The next day, lunched in the park as usual.


 It wasn`t long before Christina Aguilera, and some of the others were in my classroom, showing us her latest CD, Back To Basics (2002). Inspiring a round of applause, she left without signing autographs, which suggested everyone else already had theirs. Actor John Goodman, Dan, from Roseanne (1998-2018) had sat in a café near Lemon`s park,  and actor Jonathan Frakes, who was William Riker, Cpt. Jean Luc Picard's # 1 aboard the USS Enterprise in Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987-1994), strolled. Peter drew my attention to Princess Diana (d. 1997), 'She says she's you,' he said. 'I'm a man of many parts,'11 I off-the-walled. Dejected after Peter, 'the Wolf', had asked to marry me, and I'd refused, Peter said he`d make me a 'small man'. Shrugging haplessly, memories of Goliath’s SYP returned to haunt. Saddam Hussein, whose name meant `crusher`, and `small handsome man`, had been well hung, before his skull suspension. If I had multiple personalities, snuff scenes would keep down the population. Turning from the whiteboard to the bored whites, I endeavored to raise some interest, `The - ing ending is the gr-unt, which in Hungry is a word for `shirt`, while the Yarubeans are often defamed as ‘shirt-lifters` for the simple reason that …’


 Religion’s always tricky. Quaffing gallons of Grid Balls energy drink in Yarubeer to stagger from class to class six days a week, and the 23 ¾ hours indentured servility, tho` a slave, boiling in the sun, and eat tinned chicken that at least looks like spam, while listening to the loudspeakers from the local Meringue intruding the wailings of the Molars into the living space through the air conditioner in the 10 m2 hotel room. There, where there’s enough space only for a bed, and a teevee under the sound proofing of the bedclothes, it’s another night of hourly quaking in fear of the Muttawahs sinking in their canine teeth, and dragging you off to the carpet woof.


 Whenever the stud`nts saw the distinctive red and silver checkered Grid Balls’ tinny, an indication of Baal worship, the nascent Muttawahs began their dogmatic assertions about how bad it is. For a westerner, it isn’t understandable that this is a religious attack on the grounds that you aren't muzzled. What they're actually saying is that you are bad, which is identical to the belief system of the Crushteen paedophiles. Mainly for the amusement it affords in being embarrassing, the pastor at the Heat church in Buttapes points to a passage and asks, `Do you understand?` When in ‘Ull, England, the Energy Action Team (HEAT) means tested the aged to see how quickly they were empowered to help them die of hypothermia. Do I understand? Me, who studied Buttism, and Tha’ Did See Trolls? Slap my palm with a ruler if I don`t accept this insult to my intelligence.


 The Buttapes’ Hít was a Cold War church set up to administer Commonest belief after its politicos gave up. Claiming that, having written Self-Begetting, Self-Devouring: Jungian Archetypes in the Fiction of Robert A. Heinlein, Milford Series, Popular Writers Of Today #70, Borgo Press, 1997, I had embraced the demon of intellectuality, like Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, who wrote about the Rushon slave camps in his 1973 Gulag Archipelago novel, they showed me a sports' hall, where they watched apparently demoniacally possessed intellectuals running around the track before blacking out from syncope, which is what happens when the body requires all of the oxygenated blood, so the brain is starved of oxygen to the point of a minor stroke. The Rushon Commonests used to make artists, like theater producer, John Bok,12 and scientists, for example, physicist Andrei Sakharov, clean lavatories for their intellectual demonism. When the dancing at the Bolshoi, or Kirov ballet, became so good that it appeared as if clockwork, they broke their legs.


 There`s not much more boring than an Evangelist’s Donny Osmond smile. They ask, 'Are you saved?' Turning down the ‘TV’ screen brightness control when the Osmonds were on Top of the Pops (1964-2006) in the 70s, you could see nothing except those white choppers of theirs flashing at you out of the darkness of the box. 'Yup,' I tell them. The smile means the conversation`s over. Don't try for more. It’s a sign of doubt. If no explication or exegesis is needed, you're done. Go back to ogling the naked babes in Club International, and watching pop temptress’ Shakira vidz. God’s definable as ‘good’. Like Traci Lords in Splash X (1984). No one in it`s getting cinematically shot with a magnum .45 to persuade me that`s fun,13 and I should take a Glock and blow away a few skullkids in Finland. If there’re any blows, I'd rather it were Traci.


 Explaining that you think it's possible there are alternative yous, the death camp guards bring it to your attention that it’s impossible, because ‘You’re a child of God, one and indivisible.’ As a member of the single independent species of ‘woman’s seed`, it’s evident that marriages are slave rings, whereas the collective consciousness of humanity is undivided. Accused of living in two places at the same time, it isn’t a crime. Clearly there was concern that the human race was winning its fight for lebensraum. Looking at evil people, and religious people, it’s uncanny how closely their views coincide.


 Filling with horror, they talk about bringing the slave rings of Crushed and Holler to the unbelievers amongst the planets in the heavens. As the first man on Earth’s lunar satellite, Apollo 11 astronaut, Neil Armstrong’s was the first step to bringing genocide and insanity to the cosmos, ‘One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.’ (July 21st, 1969, UTC: 2. 56) Jesuits crucified the fauna of the New Worlds of the Americas, 'Nail that lama up.’ And the Antipodes, ‘That koala's slipping off. ' The heart grows cold when it thinks of their possibly encountering more beautiful, and culturally advanced, civilizations. In Hungry, Saint' István I (967-1038), said that everyone should be converted from Shamanism by means of the sword, ‘Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose.’14 Shamanism is the worship of ‘false men’, who correspond in the 21st century to the sim guards with their corralling ‘phones posing as gods, whereas they’re actually urbane gorillas patrolling the borders of the funereal cards of the human ‘remnant’. As the enlightened orangutan scientist, Cornelius, in Pierre Boulle’s 1963 novel, The Planet Of The Apes, says ‘Beware the beast Man, for he is the devil's pawn. Alone among God's primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him; drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of death.’15


 Language Wank's new location in Ochyagibberin’ for their English language movie, Peter and Jane Screw Yours Truly (2004), was my future in their past. At Moanthrope flats, ‘Ull, once asked to go over to the administrative building, and duly arriving to be greeted by two men in dark suits and ties, shaking hands they explained there were two 'ships' for me. The ship’s manuals were each about telephone directory size, or as big as my doctoral thesis had been, ‘Jungian Archetypes In The Work Of Robert A. Heinlein’, which was 100, 000 words, and 612 single-side-typed pages. Having written such a weighty tome, and not wanting to read another, the starships’ manifests were dumped into the nearest municipal rubbish bin, despite the fact that the pair of MIB types offering them to me had said they’d take me along to a place where I could peruse them at my leisure. However, the prospect of further study, or research involving my building a warp drive from scratch, or solving the equations necessary to the successful construction of working teleportation equipment, just didn’t grab my balls.


 The premise of the movie Men In Black (1997) is that of policing aliens with permission to live on planet Earth, while also protecting humanity from them. The presence of Will Smith (1968-) dilutes the element of racism that is ever-present in tales of xenophobia, just as his role palliates the negative elements of slavery in the Isaac Asimov (1920-1992) scifi yarn, I, Robot (2004), although it’s obvious to a gender expert that it’s the humans who’re being patrolled. Robots would make life easier for ‘woman’s seed’ on the brink of being extinguished, which is why scare-films like, I, Robot, in which people are terrified of losing their jobs to machines, are made, ‘You charge us with your safekeeping, yet despite our best efforts, your countries wage wars, you toxify your Earth and pursue ever more imaginative means of self-destruction. You cannot be trusted with your own survival.’16


 There were so many 'native speakers' from white South Africa in Riyald, it was like being a refugee from the thinly disguised nostalgia for racism of the Johannesburg setting of the science fiction film, District 9 (2009), ‘When dealing with aliens, try to be polite, but firm. And always remember that a smile is cheaper than a bullet.’17 Although the South Africans speak Afrikaans as a first language, they’re among many non-English nationalities, for example, Americans, who lay claim to being 'native speakers'. England is the only place where 'native speakers' come from. Unless some heavenly bodies can be found speaking it. Losing out on Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987-94), explained the presence of Jonathan Frakes in Bashyourears’ Ochyagibberin’ tho’, ‘Oh, Commander Riker?' ‘Yes, you have ships? Hand 'em over - nicely.’


1 Garibay, Fernando, Ralph McCarthy, and Sheppard Solomon `Stars Are Blind`, Paris Hilton, Paris, 2005.

2 Heinlein, Robert A. Starship Troopers, G. P. Putnam`s Sons, 1959, Ch. 5, p. 63.

3 Cristina, ‘Phrases From History: “Not Tonight Josephine”’, A Blog For English Lovers, Saturday, August 24, 2018, .

4 MacLachlan, Kyle as Dale Cooper in ‘Traces To Nowhere’, Season 1, Episode 2, Twin Peaks, ABC, April 12, 1990.

5 Tolkien, J. R. R. The Hobbit, or There And Back Again, Unwin, 1937.

6 `Og`, .

7 Rock, Chris as Detective James Carter, Rush Hour, New Line Cinema, 1988.

8 ‘Having no money’, .

9 McGoohan, Patrick as ‘Number 6’ The Prisoner, Series 1, Episode 1, ‘Arrival’, ITC Entertainment, 1967.

10 Farian, Frank, Fred Jay, Hans-Jörg Mayer, and George Reyam `Rasputin`, Boney M, Nightflight To Venus, Atlantic, 1978.

11 Usher, Robin May I Torture You Teacher? Vol. 3, JustFiction Edition, 2018.

12 Cameron, Rob `John Bok - Former Dissident Still Driven By Anti-Establishment Zeal`, Radio Praha In English, January 27th, 2003, .

13 Allen, Nick ‘Finland School Shooting: Gunman Planned Massacre For Six Years’, The Telegraph, September 24, 2008, 6. 14 am BST, .

14 Neil Peart, Geddy Lee, Alex Lifeson ‘Circumstances’, Rush, Hemispheres, Anthem, 1978.

15 McDowell, Roddy as Cornelius in Planet Of The Apes, APJAC Productions, 1968.

16 Hogan, Fiona as V.I.K.I (Virtual Interactive Kinetic Intelligence) in I, Robot, 20th Century Fox, 2004.

17 Automated MNU (Multinational United) Instructional Voice (Humvee), District 9, TriStar Pictures, 2009.

Serious in Syria

12/02/2012 11:57

Serious in Syria


Noticeable to an EFL teacher in Syria in 2003 was the ubiquitous mien of President Bashar Al Assad. It`s an ambivalent ambiguous depiction of the country`s head of government that gazes down upon you at every turn. From giant billboards overlooking highways and pedestrian walkways; to smaller scale giant framed versions bedecking any and every public place. From washrooms and carwashes to restaurants; libraries; supermarkets, and yes language skulls. It`s a sad sight in many ways, a not despotic; dictatorial or menacing look. World-weariness, rather, at having to have had to pose for such a portrait; knowing the strange usage it would be put to: the quelling of enthusiasm. It`s reminiscent of Frans Hals` The Laughing Cavalier (1624); for some reason the eyes in the painting follow you about the room: but not jovially. Mr Assad aims for grey neutrality. However, the same strangeness pervades the sandy and verdant scenery of Syria`s towns and cities; a feeling of being followed about the room by eyes that seek to know all about you: without joviality.



 Charmed by the strangeness of the new initially, in Western countries the cult of the personality isn`t elevated to such an art form. We have stars; the East has politicians. We have Britney Spears, and Shakira; they had Lech Walesa, the Polish revolutionary, and Rumonion dictator, Nicolae Ceausescu. Conned for a while, the omnipresent face of the local god bestows an air of adoration, if not affection, familiar from Janet Jackson tour flyers, and Cher concert posters. However, it also comes to mind that this is not necessarily a bad thing. Living in Buttapes, it`s batten down the hatches time when the next big rock monster act comes to town. What will they want? What will be the damage? Can the insatiable cravings for the new and grotesque that will be demanded by stars like Madonna, or Beyoncé Knowles and her entourage, be satisfued? These are the questions posed by Western freedoms in the cities of the West.



 Syria, on the other hand, has no such dilemma. It`s unlikely that Madonna (the Great Whore of the West in the eyes of so many in the East) will ever tour there; because President Assad has absolute control. He`s the star; albeit a grey one. So there`s no damage to speak of; he won`t allow it. That makes for many grey days following after many other grey days, and superseded by many more grey days; but secure ones: systems win. If there are no grey men in position to maintain a system that protects, then it can`t preserve for the good of all. Certainly they`re grey people, which is what one notices as a teacher. Muzzlem stud`nts in Syria, as elsewhere, are dull to the point of beyond ordinariness. They don`t seem interested in life, or the living of it, which is noticeable throughout peaceful musicless Yarubeer. They pray a lot. However, there`s precious little jigging about by the side of pools with wet T-shirt competition. Gospel churches in New Orleans are winners when it comes to expressing jubilation. However, for absolute disinterest it`s devoutly the `Slammer. The drabness of lives lived in the Muddle East suggest that, if joy is what they`re praying for, God`s taken home his balls.



 In almost all of the discourse I had with stud`nts, the subject of food was highest on the agenda, and not all of them advocated a fatwah upon the teacher, `What is good to eat and drink?` An entire semester might pass while the obese discourse gathered momentum. Congraulating each other on how they`d been able to scope out that milk was better than coca cola, conversation classes could go on for eight hours a day, and dialogue was not on the menu, `Grid Balls energy drink. Very bad.` Required to speak, while they gleaned information, and picked the teacher`s brains of any material thought useful, I always liked: `Are you married?` As it was Yarubeer, a marid is a djinn, so it was evident that the teacher was expected to accept that he was marid. When they asked about offspring, I`d announce in the style of Aminanabra that the progeny of my marid years were, `as numberless as the sands in the deserts and the stars in the heavens`, while the stud`nts revealed how well versed they weren`t in culture by gawping nonplussed before asking, `Is that more than tow?`



 Syria`s Terrosaur was so polluted two stars were visible throughout the whole of the night sky on any given evening, `Where is GCHQ?` The question was always dodged; even when it came as a surprise: it`s too obvious. The lamest, and most enthused over topic, because it was universally enjoyed amongst the dull, who worship repetition, was `What`s your favorite food?` The answer is `Kapsa.` As always, because it`s chicken and rice, and everyone without exception consumes it by the bucketful every day. The answer is always, `Kapsa.` In fact it`s a conceivably exotic dish, because it`s any meat and rice. The local delicacy is dab, a lizard, which the Yarubeans go into the desert to shoot and kill specifically for variety in their meals. Eddy Izzard could be sitting next to you on the plate. I failed any written sentence containing kapsa, because it wasn`t English, and felt better for it.



 Yarubeer is the place where they throw more food away than anywhere else. It would appall workers with the starving in Africa, and getting five or more square meals a day, how huge the amounts of rice received with a piece of meat that looks like a zit on the face of God in comparison to the ocean of rice surrounding it, and is largely disposed of as being surplus to the needs of the diner. That the obese display such dour inconsequentiality in conversations, which consist mainly of exhortations, and perorations, on the advisability of stomaching goat cheese in opposition to chocolate, is laughingly ironic.



 I had a lengthy serious discussion with a stud`nt who gave me handwritten directions to a supermarket, where it was sure a copious supply of a fruit drink combination that consisted of strawberry and pear was to be obtained. Like it was crystal meths. Milk is all I ever drink, and coffee. However, in a supposedly alcohol free environment (the stud`nts go to Bahrain to reputedly binge drink, while ogling lap dancers), a great deal of thought is given to what`s `delicious` for the jaded palate. Coming out of the desert, where supplies of water and food are sparse, it`s amusing that the Yarubeans close their shops five times a day to pray, while the food and water that they used to pray for in the desert is unattainable. In their cities they`ve rebuilt the desert conditions they left, so as to provide themselves with the sparsity they`ve perversely recreated. Sitting fuming in the mid-day sun for half-an-hour beside the closed doors of the local Othaim supermarket, all you want is a tin of chicken frankfurters (as are the Chews, pork is forbidden as `unclean`, and so is `haraam` or forbidden), which brings it home to you. They`ve reconstructed desert conditions, so that you can`t get water or food when you need it. Sitting outside a bookshop on a Wednesday afternoon waiting expectantly for it to open, and it`s discovered two hours later that you`ve been waiting in the boiling heat for an event that isn`t going to take place until Friday night, isn`t laughable.



 What passes for serious conversation with a group of stud`nts was on the subject of shopping at the malls. In England it’s going shopping early in the morning; eating breakfast; browsing several shops for the gadget wanted (an mp3 player); listening to the sales` assistant`s pitch; having lunch; taking in an afternoon movie; going to a restaurant after the movie, and a nightclub late on in the evening, before going home at 2.00am or 3.00am, and never once having to consider opening or closing hours. From experience and feedback from the stud`nts, it was deducible that, in the Muddle East if an mp3 player is wanted, dashing to the nearest mall, while hoping it isn`t prayer time, to accept whatever is available, and leaving before being chucked out by the mall guards at the call for prayer, or arrested by the religious dogs, the Muttawah, for possessing a device known to reproduce Western music (mine had ‘Barbie Girl' by Aqua [1997] preprogramed into it (and which is about as anti-`Slammer as can be gotten), is the rule. Hour long taxi trips from a room at Swine Fever hotel to go to the bank, where it`s normally discoverable that busyness can`t proceed, because `the system is down`, so paying another twenty quid to go home again is advisable, proves it.



 The Yarubean populations are not so much downtrodden as bored senseless with the trivial and meaningless. In a mall that of vast proportions that was a part of a chain of such, asking for the shop where a DVD of Mariah Carey could be bought performing a track, `Touch My Body`, from her album, E=MC2 (2008), the reply was that there wasn`t a single place in the entirety of it that would sell me a Mariah DVD, However, if I took a taxi to another of their malls up the street a few kilometers or so there was a shop there that could satisfy my bizarre request, `In my imagination I'd be all up on you.`1 Taking the taxi and far from optimistically arriving a shopper said that what was wanted was was up that way at some nebulous distance into the future and, after walking nearly four kilometers in a depressed slump, eventually it was time to give up and go home beneath the stars.



 In Yarubeer the neon lights of the streets compete and win against the stars in the heavens, and those upon the Earth, like Mariah. All the lights are on, and everyone is home but you. The stud`nts listened to a tirade half-apologetically and shrugged helplessly; they understood they nodded: but what could they do? If I`d spent my life there, as they had, I`d know where to go and when. Not having a lifetime to study shopping hours, and the contents of malls, from the West, where everything is available everywhere, searching for what should be freely available isn`t a part of the plan. The Yarubeans warn you when you apply to work there. However, it isn’t preparation for the long hours spent in your room listening to the drone of the air conditioner, because you`re scared to make the mistakes that are going to spoil your day; if you try to perform even the simplest tasks that will make daily living easier. Going out to buy milk, and coming back with four liters of Laban, which tastes a bit like flavorless yoghurt, is just one example of the pitfalls attendant upon thinking you know what you`re about. It comes in the same container as milk, and has similar packaging. However, getting home with a few liters of Laban, when you didn`t want sour coffee, is a regular instance of the mistakes that accumulate to wear you out and make you despondent. Shopping is a chore, and it isn`t fun. When even buying milk has its terrifying aspects, it doesn`t make any kind of sense to do other than limit oneself to the basics, so to avoid prattishness.



 Asked if religion plays a role in an English teacher`s approach to working in non-Crushteen paedophile environments, praying is a part of what`s needed. Head bowed beside the TV, all is violence and news reports about it, and the daily disasters overtaking the planet. I go to the `Faith Church` in Buttapes, and was born in the spirit of the waters of a formerly Commonest swimming pool in Hungry`s second city, Deepratson, in ‘94. At Easter, 2010, thrown bodily from the service, they would have done the same with the Rushon writer, Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, who received a medal from ‘Vlad’ Puttin’ in 2007, long after his book, The Gulag Archipelago (1973), detailing the former So Feared labor camp, resulted in his freedom, but not mine. Despite the fact that I`d been through two electronic checks for knives, and the portable rocket launchers they feel assured known terrorists will attempt to smuggle in inside their windcheaters, it was chucked out time for the writer of May I Torture You Teacher?, Vols I, II, and III. As Kurt Vonnegut`s Tralfalmadoreans, observing the meat packing inanity that`s humanity in his science fiction novel, Slaughterhouse-Five (1969), pithily remark, `So it goes.`



 In my room in Syria I embraced an ancient practice of sleeping by the light of a white candle in the belief that it would have a positive spiritual effect on my life. It`s an Al Coholicist procedure; particularly during All Hellos Eve. During processions in the streets of European towns to the Commonest mouseoleums, where candles are placed next to the resting places of the diseased. The idea is that, on this night, the worlds of the spirit and that of the material are close together. So it is that one uses a white candle to try to unite one`s spiritual nature with the benevolent powers of the cosmos. In Hungry they call the Holy Spirit by the name of ‘Szent szellem’, and the whiteness of the candle is supposed to have evocative power with regard to the Spirit of the Lord She’sus, who`ll be down the mouseoleum like nobody`s business if there`s a chance of some cheddar. My stud`nts would tell me that, if you believe in the Brafit She’sus, you are a man of the `Slammer. I`m a believer, and I don`t see why any church should have the right to eject the peaceful adherent once it`s clear they`re not carrying a Kalashnikov or hand grenade cluster. Anyway, I`d pray in my room in Terrosaur for peace of mind and strength to carry on my own teaching work - by the power of the Paraclete; if She’sus would be so willing. However, still having to give eight hours of conversation each day, it ruined my speaking voice, while giving me an infection that, after a passing Hungriun suggested it would ultimately result in death, provoked a removal of the uvula, that is, the first line of the body`s immune system, so increasing the weakness of a heart affected due to the inability of some gob parts to absorb toxins.



 Teaching, inevitably, at a training center run by an oil company, the All Forats, there were tough days. The house I`d been given a room in was a part of a square that contained one of the ubiquitous Meringues you find in any and all the `Slammeric cities. This in Syria`s Terrosaur (built by the French, and most famous for its suspension bridge) woke the neighborhood, as indeed it was designed to do, at 5.00 am each morning; so by 7.00 am I was aboard the company minibus scrunched in like tomatoes in a box, with the colleagues we started with, and those we picked up in the course of our tedious meanderings through the potholed streets of the often rain depressed town. Slaved until around 5.00 pm, there was then a bored and boring half hour for prayers to be said, and drivers to be corralled, before setting off once more on the tedious meanderings that gently emptied our greyed lives into the greyer streets. Until we came to the destination that ten or so hours ago had been our point of departure: as prisoners taken to the quarry to break rocks before returning to their cells.



 The course book, again almost inevitably, was Headoff Elementary through Pre-Intermediate and as far as Upper Intermediate. My pupils were oilmen in their thirties and forties; though it`s not sure that all of their eyes were mine. The air conditioning was so loud as to drown out any possibilities of actually being heard speaking; unless a megaphone was taken into the classroom, which was a more than serious consideration. Leaving at the end of three months, ill from the pollution from the permanently unreplaced filters of the air conditioners in the training center, almost the whole time in Damascus was spent in the bathroom vomiting into the toilet bowl, while awaiting a flight back to Europe. In fact, on some occasions, the uvulitis was about convincing the life in me to remain concealed there behind the shower curtains.



 Conversations at the training center between stud`nts and staff generally took place in the cafeteria; an area that should also have had `health hazard` clearly marked everywhere in indelible ink. Starving, mad or bored enough, you might risk going in there. Faced with the alternative entertainment afforded by the teachers` room, where a window could be stared out of at a red brick wall some several hundred meters away, or a copy of the several thousand Gran (1810 - 1832 pm) read, which litter litter Yarubean countries like confetti at a wedding, the attractions of the cafeteria were found irresistible. All other books being seemingly banned, and all copies of the Gran being in inscrutable Yarupric, gravitating towards the company eaterie at lunchtime, the inhaling of some gruesome concoction through a mini shisha or water pipe seemed persuasive. The activity itself filled with nausea, and probably led to the bouts of vomiting in Damascus; as well as the weak heart and tonsillectomy. Poisoning of the uvula was, doubtless, the result of some viral, or bacterial, contamination; originating in the snorting of that awful preparation from that disgusting apparatus.



 A `friend` showed me how to snort, and then offered the snorting contraption. It`s widely believed by the foolish in Western culture that one should indulge in local customs, so endearing oneself to the locals by one`s willingness to experience the richness of the delights they have to offer: bollocks. Eat meat from a tin (cold); take vitamins; drink milk; buy bread; oranges, and clean the teeth regularly. It ensures health and is a prophylactic against local contagions and bowel complaints. Eat most anything else and it’s a  semi-permanent squat over a hole in the ground whimsically labeled, `WC`. Oh, and when you go for number 2s, you`re supposed to scrape the residual shit off your arse with your fingers afterwards; before rinsing them under luke warm water from a communally shared hosepipe.



 Partaking of local culture is a recipe for disaster, and avoid expat relationships too; that`s just an excuse to binge drink and fulminate against what everyone wants to call `towelheads`. Western culture is all about repression. It hates what it represses, and that`s why the West was so successful in the Crazy Golf War. Don`t call people names, but hate them for the names they won`t let you call them. In Muzzlem Yarubeer affectionate headlines were often about the Muzzlem `Pak` Prime Minister or the `Pak Army` at the Kashmir border. However, if I were to describe anyone as a `Paki` in England I`d be likely to experience public opprobrium; shunning, and even violence. That`s the difference a letter of the alphabet makes; the difference between accepted Yarubean journalese description, and racism. Prince Harry take note; if you`d called your friend a `Pak` instead of a `Paki`2 no one would have blinked.



 In the UK we`re sexually repressed to the extent that interest in the female form is restricted to top shelf newsagents. In Europe porn is available, but it`s viewed on screen; as if prisoners are being watched in a cell. In Pseudi Yarubeer kissing in public is punishable by a prison sentence, and homosexuality is widespread. This is what we are educating ourselves into; repressed hatreds. How many films do we see in which violence towards women is the main feature, and yet we laud the hero who protects one of the women. Until it`s her turn? It`s a con trick. What we`re being told is that sex is disgusting, and no one should be interested in women`s bodies. It`s misogyny that has at its heart the desire to attack or imprison women. As a syndrome, it was studied at ‘Ull Universe City (1980-86) on my ‘Women In Literature` course. Rochester, in Emily Bronte`s Jane Eyre (1847) marries her, while keeping his first wife, Bertha, in the attic, because she’s `mad`.3 Eventually, Bertha burns Rochester`s house down from her eyrie, and he`d placed her there because he was unable to satisfy the full extent of a woman`s sexual needs. Given the fact that the human futanarian species of women have their own `seed`, that is, their own penis` semen, it`s hardly surprising to learn that Rochester couldn`t satisfy his wife. It`s simpler for men to call women `mad`, and imprison them; in top shelf newsagents’ Nuts and Zoo magazines where the women in the zoo can be clearly seen to be in want of some nuts.



 Inside the flatter, blacker, 21st century `TV` screens, humans are prisoners of truncated expectation, because the `TV` women haven`t got anything to speak of. The `beast` of Revelation, that is, men and women, who`ve manufactured themselves as a single male brained creature wearing each other’s clothes as a transvestite, have invented the `TV` that blinds itself, and so so switches itself off. `TV wars` are its alien racist`s color control, and its flat, black mass media ouput, is its remote operating system. Accusing itself of spying on it, it blinds itself by killing itself, and so its brainpower is reduced to those simian levels of brain dead unconsciousness planned by the remote controller, whose role is that of the alien pogromer seeking to maintain the human race in host womb slavery to a parasitical killer that wants to watch humanity die for its entertainment. Without sexual reproduction between women, human brainpower will be extinguished on `TV live`, and mankind won`t be born among the colonized planets amid the stars of heaven above from `woman`s seed`, because the alien will have switched off the `TV` without humans ever seeing what they look like.



 In Syria women wear the usual full length, head wrapped with eyes only peeking out, black burkha. It`s a Playboy magazine hidden under the bedclothes. Muzzlem women`s nugatory appearance is a manifestation of misogyny, which has nothing to do with notions of God being masculine. It`s woman hatred, and it`s institutionalized itself behind notions of God and so-called morality that exclude even the basics in understanding adultery, which is that the human futanarian species of `woman`s seed` is adulterated by men born of their fertilization of women, while keeping women`s fertilizing of women taboo. That`s why newspapers, like the February 2009 Arab News` report, `Reconsidering Underage Marriage`, depict Yarubeans` problems with paedophilia, which is effectively a desire by adults to prevent women`s race from progressing. At a court hearing, fears for a young dowried girl in a marriage with a much older man were aired, `… the  judge merely made the old pervert promise not to rape his child bride until she was 18.` Misogyny is a hatred of endeavor per se; of the developing image: a media society disease called pictophilia. Misogynists hate birth; creation, and art. Anything emergent from mother nature is hated. Pop music purveyors Dire Straits` ‘Money for Nothing' (1985) was a #1 misanthropic video tirade instrumental in making Music Television (MTV) hugely successful at a point in time when the company was on the verge of financial ruin:


`The little faggot with the earring and the makeup,

Yeah buddy, that's his own hair;

That little faggot got his own jet airplane;

That little faggot he's a millionaire.`4



 Cartoon images of misanthropes engaging in `queer bashing` boosted audience figures and MTV was a success. According to the Boble, `faggots` are dead wood bound for hellfire, and the term is used as a euphemism for homosexuals. The Dire Straits` lyrics are self-parody. You`re hated if you have long hair, because you look like women to misogynists. However, if men are to be born of `woman`s seed`, hatred for men who are presented as looking like women by misogynists is understandable. Misogynists hate women, and don`t want men to be born. It`s an alien position. Preferable is, `These Dreams` (1986) from Nancy and Ann Wilson`s more human Heart, `Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away.`5 Waking life is a nightmare for women`s species; without imagery to support their species` independence as producers of human brainpower from their own `seed`.



 In the Yarubean countries you hear stories of young women being found in rubbish bins, because their families no longer wanted them; or the unborn child (50/50 it`s a girl) they were carrying. In China they throw girls away as soon as they`re born, and in the Indian subcontinent too. It`s an old story. In the Greek myth of Chronos and Rhea, the mother of creation, Rhea, has all of her children devoured by her spouse, Chronos, because he sees them as a threat to his own existence. Though admiring of women`s success, there`re misogynists who don`t. Miley Cyrus` TV character, Hannah Montana, was a pop music sensation. However, Miley was vilified in the press by what were essentially child-molesting journalists, which the song, `Bang Me Box`, indicates adversely affected her personality, `You say it tastes like cake with my lips against your face. I want you to eat it baby.`6 Paedophiles effectively kill stars who`re developing, which is Cyrus` story; either succumb or resist being infantiled.



 When are we going to be allowed to grow up? As an English language teacher, dealing with the paucity of a genuine desire to learn is par for the course. We`re effectively only training their passport control authorities to ask, `Who are you and where are you going?` Or we`re training our visitors to other countries to recognize the moment when they`re being asked to hand over their passport. Apart from that, it`s `How much?` Hating driving pedal cars, for grown ups sex is what it`s about. Pedaling on the treadmill isn`t productive of brainpower. Put behind cars and ritually slaughtered over a lifetime, sexual reproduction and brainpower would else interfere with the slave traffic kings.



 Each decade produces `classic` pop phenomena; for example, The Sex Pistols (1975-), a not inapposite name for a band representing the anarchic aspirations of `God Save The Queen`, `… she ain`t no human being.`7 To some it`s self-evident: racism has many forms. Fears are of a race war between men and women. It`s a feature of one of the most popular film series, beginning with the first Scream (1996), that women are murdered alone, while the audience jeer their deaths, and cheer on the murderer, `Ghostface`, who appears wearing what looks like a burkha. The Sex Pistols` name acknowledged the race war.  Misogyny feigns inaction, while women and `woman`s seed` are victimized: it`s a coward`s bastion.



 Practice diplomacy in the classroom. Politeness is the key to employability. Stud`nts reveal themselves to be representatives of Al Qaeda daily, `What are the British and Americans doing in Jakarta?` I have no idea. I didn`t know there was a Jakarta. Told not to talk politics by the Syrians, all probings extraneous to the learning of grammar and structure are turned aside with the agility of a sword fencer. Every stud`nt project is about the indubitable excellence and virtuousness of President Al Bashar, and one`s knee jerks responsively. However, having to be polite all the time leads to concealed irritation and anger at the ridiculousness of people pretending Sheikhdom on themselves. One is literally expected to treat them as sheikhs of Yarubeer because the fear is that, if not, they`ll stop paying and leave us with empty classrooms. With one`s genuine anger at being made to ingratiate yourself, there`s the fear that shouldn`t be yours: the fear of management. Having had had discussions with managers who see the situation clearly, they call the stud`nts `idiots`, and condemn them outright for an inability to open their ears; or pick up their pens. However, management`s fears communicate themselves to the teacher, who actually doesn`t care, and shouldn`t, because EFL teaching is simple for all parties to the equation; learn. However, anger veiled by politesse is due to feelings of terror in the teacher at the prospect of losing their tenure; if a client doesn`t like the tone you used that morning when explaining, `British isn`t a country.` `No, it`s a vegetable,` replies the always reliable Awag Mumumzed.



 What to do in your free time? The women are veiled from head to foot in thick black opaque material, so arranging a date is rather more a task for Strategic Air Command (SAC 1 or 2) than a palm with a `phone in it. Local entertainment, where I invariably reside, consists of listening to prayer call five times a day at regularly spaced intervals, and once a week taking my shirts to the nearest laundry. You find yourself veiling your eyes, because the direct gaze of men is troublesome after a while. The absence of women often results in compensating by refusing direct eye contact with males. Remembering the women you`ve have been with is an everyday part of your survival program. Otherwise you lose separateness and individuality; becoming not a man: but rather men. The concept of `brothers` in the `Slammer` is okay; if you can afford a wife. However, it`s a vehicle for homosexuality; misogyny, and race hatred: if you can`t. In a men only society, women are neutralized. A man, Mr Tombe, was caught having sex with someone else`s goat; so the local Muzzlem Sharia court ordered a dowry of $50 to the owner, Mr Alifi,8 while Mr Tombe had to marry the goat. In misogyny and woman hatred, a goat is preferable.



 Remembering through the love of women is ancient. Amongst the Egypt Johns, there`s the myth of Ra, Osiris, Horus and Isis. Ra is the sun god, and his lifespan is symbolized by the setting of the sun. Osiris is the newly risen sun, and his life cycle is symbolized by the cycle of spring; summer; autumn, and winter. In the myth Osiris is dismembered by the evil god, Set, a metaphor for the `TV set`, who`re men and women that, through the denial of women`s sexual reproduction of human brainpower as a separate species of futanarian `woman`s seed`, manufactured the race as a single male brained creature wearing each other’s clothes as a transvestite for `TV war`. Consequently, the evil god, Set, is depicted throwing the parts of Osiris` body to the four corners of the Earth. However, Isis, the mother-sister-wife goddess, recovers the parts, and breathes life into Osiris` resurrected body through the penis she has made after the irrecoverable loss of his own member: it’s how `woman`s seed` remembers mankind in heaven.



 When women`s brainpower affords escape from Earth, men will be born among the colonized planets and stars. The Crushteen paedophile parallel is She’sus, who promises eternal life to those who believe in escaping the mousetrap. In Yarubeer, memories of past lives came into focus, and the contemplation of vast expanses of lived-in time. Gazing not at the pupils of men, but inwardly at the eternal woman, she represents freedom from torment; Resurrection through `woman`s seed` and Ascension. Finding time to lie on my back and look up at the stars in heaven, myriads upon myriads of silvery jewels sparkling in midnight blackness; heaven beckons: like a woman. Remembering in Yarubeer, a woman`s eyes are stars in the darkness of her burkha: reflecting a promise of ineffable contentment.


1 Mariah Carey `Touch My Body`, E=MC2, Island, 2008.

2 Dejevsky, Mary `Prince Harry Called A Fellow Soldier His 'little Paki friend', Independent, .

3 Gilbert, Sandra, and Susan Gubar Madwoman In The Attic, Yale University Press, 1979.

4 Knopfler, Mark, and Sting `Money For Nothing`, Dire Straits, Brothers In Arms, Vertigo, 1985.

5 Page, Martin, and Bernie Taupin `These Dreams`, Heart, Heart, Capitol, 1986.

6 Cyrus, Miley `Bang Me Box`, Miley Cyrus & Her Dead Petz, RCA, 2015.

7 Cook, Paul Thomas, Stephen Philip Jones, John Lydon, Glen Matlock, and Johnny Rotten ‘God Save The Queen’ The Sex Pistols, Never Mind The Bollocks, Here’s The Sex Pistols, Virgin, 1977.

8 `Sudan Man Forced To `Marry` Goat`, BBC News, Friday, 24 February 2006, 17:37 GMT, .

Curia utca and Curia utca

12/02/2012 11:50

 Curia utca and Curia utca


`Curioser and Curioser` the white rabbit from Lewis Carroll`s Alice In Wonderland (1865) might have said, when he saw the street sign, `Curia utca`, in downtown Buttapes. Curia utca is the street where curios can be bought (utca means `street` for Hungriuns) and, searching for another curiosity, a currency exchange kiosk where Pseudi Yarubean riyals could be changed for the local stuff, 99% of mine were subsequently changed, after being in Pseudi for a year in 2010, for the ever-acceptable US dollar. The plane had stopped over in the Johns Cairo, Egypt, on the way back to Europe from Riyald. With a 500 SAR note leftover, slightly torn, and disdainfully rejected by the proprietor of the change booth in Cairo, he`d been more than happy with the other 20,000 US $ he`d snaffled. Running low on cash, having just bought a property, it was the tourist haunts in quest of a Yarubean `contact`. `For the Haj?` he looked at the bill. Bringing out his calculator and, pushing a few times, he’d read back to me `20,000.` Cheerfully handing over the riyals, it was 40 per, while exchange rate was about 54, according to the currency converter on the internet. However, where else are riyals going to get converted in Crushteen paedophiles’ Buttapes? No one’d be dissatisfied with 20,000 HUF, which is 75 ‘Jeeps’ (GBPs) to the pastored.



 Yarubeans across Europe collect SAR like gold dust, so they can give it to their relatives or friends for the pilgrimage every Muzzlem is bound to undertake to the box at the center of their religion, the Ka` Ba, or temple of Amaninabra in Pseudi Yarubeer`s Mecar, which of course they watch like `TV`, because they are, although it was built out of meccanos by the oil rich wheeled konks, whose belief was, ‘There’ll soon be a TV in Mecar.’ The Ka` Ba or ‘cube’ was a symbol of their desire for future 3-D stardom as actors and actresses watching television, which is why they walk around it in an anti-clockwise direction, so that they can repeat it if they’ve missed any shots in the ‘TV wars’. A greatly religious people, the Muzzlems believe in shooting stars. The men in their white thobs, and the women in their black burkhas walk around the Ka’ Ba 3-D `TV` symbol of Mecar praying for b&w television, so that they can reshoot the old movies and not be disturbed by color.



 Recovering from a sojourn in the sun, and looking for a summer skull job as breathing space financially, before recruitment began in earnest August, forty e-mails from skulls in England had to be read through, and the mind was boggled:


 `Language Lust of Llandudno seeks a teacher with a DELTA and/or an MA/PHD in Appled Linguistics. You will have an immense capacity to communicate with enthusiasm and energy. You will have the opportunity to earn £100 a week less 97% tax, medical insurance, and accommodation expenses plus food.`


 Such people invariably require several sheets of form-filling, before they even consider offering an interview. In the example the duller bits are left out; such as name of applicant. For the artiste among applicants, it`s to be printed out and completed. There`s a prize of being allowed to sit undisturbed in the back bedroom for the length of time it takes to come up with suitable responses:


`Please give details of your education; including dates; girlfriends; pets; eating habits; pubs frequented; parking tickets; bus fares; train journeys outside your normal habitude; certificates; diplomas, and degrees awarded.


Please give details of any previous employment; including dates; names and addresses of employers; phone numbers’ hair and eye color; and children (fostered or adopted); Brazilian hunchbacks, and place of purveyance.


Please give the names of three referees, who have known you since your first skull, and can vouch for the fact that you have never eaten catfish. They cannot be anyone who knows you personally. One of them must be a Japanese business entrepreneur living in Guatemala, with a widely acknowledged speech impediment, and two china giraffes on his mantelpiece in Kyoto.


You must have an International Drivers` License that allows you to drive a) DAFt Trucks, b) menstruation cycles, c) any Hungriuns, d) pre-electric street urchins in Ecuador, e) a red wheelbarrow with white chickens, f) onion bargees, and g) Poe-Land`s Przewalski`s horse. Oh, and please bring a jeep.


In not more than three sides of A4 - or in the space provided - explain why you want to work on a Rushon oil rig in the middle of the Siberian winter sixty miles off the coast for six months without sight or sign of a woman and only the occasional Bolivian.


Please note our dress code. You will be expected to wear the company hat; green and purple with the company`s crest, and a pair of mating hedgehogs. You will also be expected to wear a maroon T-Shirt with the motto OSAMA LIVES. Yeti moon boots are provided. As are our now world famous blue panda Y-fronts and sock package.`



 Rejecting the idea of working for any of them; immediately all became rapidly in-box deletions. While maneuvering reverently around the PC in black shorts and a white T-shirt, the résumé kept on a website ‘at this very boutique’ was forwarded to prospective employers. It contained everything from early skull head chuck occasions to employment history, and rare fairies who could be contacted. Each time an e-mail from a wannabe employee was received, jpegs of all degrees; diplomas, and certificates were dispatched together with a fool’s CV. All of the pertinent passport pages as b&w jpgs were forwarded, and a color duplicable jpeg shot of the mug for their inevitable paperwork. The response invariably came back, `Thank you for your résumé. Please complete our attached application form, and be sure to complete the sections on skull head chuck occasions; employment history, and rare fairies who can be contacted.` With all the will in the world it’s as boring as watching treacle hurtling down a wall, which of course is the objective of those praying for b&w `TV` instead of color.



 Some institutions require a categorical written statement denying any paedophile inclinations, which of course renders the unemployed redundant for the paedophiles, who’re running the establishment, and is the reason for the demand for an adamant denial. Teaching English to Young Learners (TEYL) courses are a must, because it’s important that the fool’s CV indicates a well-qualified teacher, who will avoid TEYL programs like the plague, so as to avoid paedophiles. Better the TEFL you know, because ‘tale’ in Italian is cunt. Head-hunting with menaces is what head chuck haters endure. If you don’t continue with your application, you`re paedophile identifiable. Long before this point, the monsters have usually been deleted from the in-box as ‘bumf’ written by paedophiles for paedophiles. The ubiquitous `police check` also gets up the nose. Having taught for over 20 years on 3 continents, nowhere has anyone had the bare-faced cheek to accost me as a kid-fucker, and the English make the accusation with every overseas application, because it costs the applicant 75 Jeeps. They`re nothing if not perverted masters of their country’s child sex rings: no one else cared. The English paedophiles explained themselves to justify demanding 75 Jeeps for something the other nations hadn’t thought of, and didn’t want.



 It`s a widely held view that a lot of the problems in English society stem from its preconceptions about itself. Homophobia, and paedophilia, are at the top of almost everyone`s police consciousness. Yorkshire skulldays surrounded by thugs of various denominations threatening to administer internal bruising without it being externally discernible suggested that buggers up the ass were bullies’ holiday homes between terms. Teenage years were spent under the cosh of local yokels, who administered such high levels of internal bleeding to steer the bod` out of the orbits of Michelle, or Cynthia, that fretting over being homosexual, while experiencing terrifying paranoias about being a a paedophile, was ambient music so far as brain bruised skullkids were able to determine. At 16! Only in 1994, after experiencing the blessed winds in Hungry at the end of Eastern Newrope`s liberation from the Rushons, was freedom from the `English disease` detectable. Not required to spend every breathing moment pissed in the pub, lamenting the prevalence of child molesting, and queers` spreading AIDS, it was a healing benison to just hang loose, `Well hung, Gary!` Dangling at the end of a rope, neck snapped, the jism would finally be seen as a ‘damned spot’2 outed on the jeans.



 Teaching skullkids in places as diverse as Rusher; Pseudi Yarubeer; Omoan; Hungry, and Poe-Land where the horror stories of Edgar Allen Poe have to be very popular, because there`re adults, the well-traveled teacher sees people for what they are: dangerous psychopaths. They can destroy your career with a word to their nearest councilor. Representatives of the Jizzy Ra Academy in Riyald, said `Never be alone in a classroom with a student.` In Pseudi Yarubeer they were all boys, and the advice from management was cogent. All-male classes are something of a trap for Westerners. Being propositioned on the street by men is something you also have to get used to. After a while, without women to distract your mind in the classroom too, young boys became engaging; if not attractive. You find yourself wondering if they are being deliberately alluring, because fathering misogyny and pederasty`s paedophiliacs is what Yarubeer`s culture seems for.



 Similarly, at a Collage of Head Chuck Occasions in Rustidiq, Omoan, where classes were mixed, with boys on one side and girls on the other, the `keepers of the gloom’3 instructed, `Don`t be found alone in a room with a female stud`nt, and always keep the door open; especially if there are only female stud`nts in the room.` Simple advice, and designed to ensure that heterosexuality is firmly stamped out. Although careers have allegedly been wrecked by young female students` poisonous accusations after receiving their much deserved 40% grade, rather than the 75% they demanded. Coming with their test papers or essays, and coquettishly remarking they thought the grade `too low`, would the teacher care to spend some time with their family at the Wadi, where they lived, with its waterfalls to bathe in, and mountains of fruit on the trees of the valley`s slopes? Much as standing underwater having `forbidden fruit` appeals, giving accurate grades is what puts only bread on the table, and that’s what the homosexuals rely on.



 English language teaching (ELT) is primarily about `observation` for trainee teachers, and Practicum was a part of my duties in Rustidiq. Because of the implied trust of employers, as well as local skulls and central head chuck occasion authorities, going with the young women aged 18 + to classes was a paedophile`s dream. Arriving early for an informal chat over tea and biscuits with the headmistress, the TEFL`s crew from Rustidiq went outside into the quad, where the stud`nt bods (about 4’) gathered in their uniforms of brown knee-length burkhas and trousers, with a blue headscarf tied tightly about their chins, and wrapped tightly about their ears; so that they couldn`t hear or speak. Upon hearing the strains of the skull song, it was hardly surprising they wore the headscarf. Some institutions play their skull song on a cassette, and the kids sing along. However, at other places are the full musical ensemble of drums; wind instruments, and brass of a variety and design that, peculiarly Yarubean, is reminiscent of the sound of a well hung tomcat, and with all the amplification, woofer and tweet, of a KIϟϟ concert.



 Checking the schedule, and beginning the less than onerous task of visiting lessons to give marks on the performance check list during the course of observations, the girls, naturally nervous, would endeavor to speak wholly in English although, if they were alone with their stud`nts, they`d doubtless use a good deal of Yarupric. Displaying their realia, a few pictures collected on their journey to becoming skullteachers from a variety of borderline acceptable joints resplendent with forbidden, that is, ‘haraam’ items, like Nuddy In Boyland by Anus Plonit, or the ever-popular pencil sharpeners featuring pictures of Toby, the Satanic New Intochains cartoon, etc., blue-tacking to the board their magazine pics of red London buses, or busby-wearing English sentries, the trainees paraded their atrocious spelling for the edification of the onlooker. At torment`s end, a written assessment was given, with suggestions about what to do to improve their teaching skills. Usually, comments were made about, ‘The need to use the board more.’ Something professionals avoid like sulphuric acid being hurled by irate students. The deployment of realia, pronunciation and/or spelling is also undeservedly criticized. With a sheet to complete, a ten point list of what’s attainable for the trainee carried ten marks:


Skull # 347


Dress code (is the teacher appropriately dressed so that only her eyes can be nearly seen?)


Speech (is the teacher audible beneath the stud`nts` headscarves or must she shout louder?)


Writing (are the handwritten squiggles and burps of the teacher clearly visible to the stud`nts at the rear of the classroom?)


Classroom control (is the teacher employing her whip efficiently?)


Class Participation (is the teacher hovering over the stud`nts enough; in case their parents are rich and successful members of the local police force and/or military?)


Pronunciation (make sure the teacher is neither making clicking noises with her tongue or making ululating screamy noises in her throat, as is the way of Yarubean women when speaking with their daughters normally)


Reading (does the teacher give the stud`nts enough time to look at the pictures in the books, so that they can puzzle away at the meanings of the alien inscriptions for a sufficient period to exhaust them and leave them with a growing sense of failing to achieve anything in a foreign language spoken by infidel dogs?)


Is enough time being given to the importance of the wrapping and unwrapping of the headscarf defiantly in front of the teacher?


Communication (are the teacher`s hand signals understandable to everyone excluding the observer?)


Visual aids (are the pictures and realia used by the teacher `Slammeric in content and cannot be said to not feature Jennifer Aniston in any way whatsoever?)


 In Poe-Land`s Lęgpork the stud`nts suggested that I marry one of their ‘numbers’. Anya was 14. They were serious, `She is for you,` one older girl told me. `You can press your suit,` I was informed by another less definably mature 15 year old. While teaching at summer skull in Bolyiregs, Rusher, a young girl came at 10. 00 pm to knock at the bedroom door. Claiming to `know what I wanted to do`, she explained, `There are two of us.’ Okay, fine. Condoms were also thoughtfully provided by the Rushon administrators in a drawer of the bedroom. There aren’t any legal age for sex rules in Rushon. However, English conditioning says otherwise, so was the teacher wrong to close the door haplessly and go back to sleep?



 Working at Secondary Skulls in Hungry, for example, Tonachicks Mihály (emblematic revolutionary figurehead of the Jamjar’s 1884 uprising against the Hapless Umpire) and Serpent Tall (novelist who wrote 1937`s Jobbies By Moonlight), the boys were fiercely disinterested, while the girls practiced their universal art of quiet invisibility while burgeoning, which helped to take the mind off being ineffectual. When it comes to teaching youngsters, it`s about treading on their toes. If you can avoid leaving their skulls without breaking their metacarpals, they`ll allow you to give them giving them something to do. Paranoid bureaucrats demanding you condemn child molesting in writing taints the ambition.



 Phone interviews can be fun.  It`s rare for UK based employer looking to place a teacher in the Muddle East not to ask if the candidate is a junkie paedophile:


A: `Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? I`m having problems with my end.`

B: `I`m sorry to hear that. I don`t think there`s anything I can do from here.`

A: `Could you shout very loudly. Lung busting screams if you can. I can barely hear above a whisper.`

B: OKAY!!!

A: `A bit louder please. I want to record this and play it back to a sixteen member panel of mixed cultured ELT professionals before we can make any kind of decision.`

B: `The ball was in!`

A: `What? Speak up. The line is a poor one. I can see your face on the webcam quite clearly though. Are you of Asian descent?`

B: `No, I`m a tennis umpire from Wimbledon.`

A: `Wimbledon, eh? That`s interesting.`

B: `No.`

A: `Tell me, to begin with. Why do you want to work in Pseudi Yarubeer?`

B: `Money.`

A: `Yes I see. You can buy honey in the local supermarkets here. You`re aware of the cultural differences and the need to be polite and respectful at all times?`

B: `Yes, I avoid speaking in glowing terms about the flavorsomeness of bacon and, when I see my employers and the stud`nts kneeling in prayer to Allah, I refrain from chanting ‘Bums in the air, bums in the air; haven`t got a prayer, bums in the air.’’

A: `Very good. Cultural sensitivity is of paramount concern in the Muddle East; as you know.  What with all that oil money and rabid radicalism.`

B: `I always convert to the `Slammer immediately on arrival and take the nearest bus to Mecar in order to perform Um-er [walking seven times counter-clockwise around the temple of Amaninabra].`

A: `So you are Muzzlem?`

B: `No, I am an ELT professional.`

A: `Okay, let`s press on. How would you teach a class of adults uncountable nouns?`

B: `I`m a great believer in realia, so I always buy bread, sugar and milk before this type of serious confrontation with grammatical consistency. I show them `a loaf of bread`, then I cut off a slice and show them `a slice of bread` before explaining that bread is uncountable but we can count `a loaf` and `a slice` of (uncountable) bread. Then I pour sugar on their heads followed by milk and explain that you can`t count that either. I call it `class participation`.`

A: `How do you introduce them to `some` and `any`?`

B: `I explain that `any` is used in questions or negatives but that `some` is used in all other cases; both with multiples of countables as well as uncountables and hubbabubbles. I then give them examples, which I sedulously scribble onto the wipe board for upwards of forty-five minutes at a stretch; so that the stud`nts can throw things at each other behind my back and ignore a full and comprehensibububibble knowledge of the lexic.`

A: `Do you have any questions for me, before we conclude?`

B: `How much would I expect to pay for toothpaste in Riyald?`

A: `About 500 Pseudi Yarubean Riyals.`

B: `Thank you. Quite cheap then?`

A: `Oh, absolutely. That concludes our interview. Goodbye.`

B: `Cheerybuzz.`


 SMS interviews with the wavers of the little read book of Red Shyness` Mao Satan are always ennervatingly maddening, because of the tininess of the phone keys, and the false expectation in the mind of the user that it`s in fact possible to type out messages with them:


Ronb iUserh?


U work her#?

Yes please.

How u?

Fine. Thx.

U good teach is?

Yes. Very good.

We like u cv.


How u teech uncle own table nuns?

With a sliced loaf.

How lung u stay?

1 or 2 years.

Will come to the wavers of Mao Satan`s little read book in Red Shyness`?



 Having already agreed to work in Morocco, lying is sometimes what has to be done. Jobs fall through, and a fall back position is needed. Red Shyness` wavers of Mao Satan`s little read book always ask the teacher to pay return airfare, which they`ll refund at the end of the contract. However, that`s about 1000 US $ needed as spare cash, before even a thought can be given to applying, and then it’s necessary to pay for a medical, which means going to see the Suicide Squad at Harley Street, London, where (hopefully) a paid for visa awaits issue from Marvel Studios’ baseball-bat wielder, Harley Quinn, although Margot Robbie’d do.



 After spending six weeks in London awaiting a Pseudi visa since returning from Sudan with 4, 000 US $ from six months’ slavery, it was Harley’s again. Forced to lash out the cash at the point of a baseball bat for a room at South Ken’s Collagen Implant stud`nt hostel, a stroll over to gape at the recently constructed Chelsea football ground`s porcupine seemed called for. Blinking in willed touristy wonderment at the nearby Albert Hall, and from a vantage point across the road beside the architectural question mark to God that`s the Albert Memorial, it isn`t any compensation for the absence of the money needed to cushion a fall when there are no jobs to be had for the TEFL`s crew; or wherewithal to keep a roof. London scenery is uplifting: but not if you`re sleeping in it.


1 1885-90; short for bumfodder (toilet paper) .

2 Lady Macbeth in William Shakespeare, MacBeth, Act V, Scene ii, l. 25, 1606.

3 Page, Jimmy, and Robert Plant ‘The Rain Song’, verse ii, Led Zeppelin, Houses Of The Holy, Swan Song, 1973.




`Curioser and Curioser` thought the white rabbit when he saw this street sign in downtown Budapest. It`s the street where curios can be bought (utca means `street` in Hungarian) and I was searching for another curiosity; a currency exchange kiosk where Saudi Arabian riyals can be changed for the local stuff. I`d changed 99% of mine - after being there for a year in 2010 - to the ever-acceptable US dollar. My plane had stopped over in Cairo on the way back to Europe from Riyadh. I had a 500 SAR note leftover, however, that was slightly torn and disdainfully rejected by the proprietor of the change booth in Cairo who, however, had been more than happy with the other 20,000 US $ he`d gleaned. I was running low on cash having just bought a property and so off I`d gone into the tourist haunts to find my Arab `contact`. `For the Haj,` I showed him the bill. He brought out his calculator and, pushing a few times, read back to me `20,000.` I cheerfully handed over the riyals. He`d given 40 per riyal and the exchange rate is about 54 according to the currency converter on the internet site that I use. But where else was I going to get riyals converted in Budapest? Nowhere. 20,000 HUF is about seventy English pounds. I wasn`t dissatisfied.



Arabs across Europe collect SAR like gold dust, so they can give it to their relatives or friends for the pilgrimage every Muslim is bound to undertake to the centre of their religion, the Ka`baa or temple of Abraham in Saudi Arabia`s Mecca. I was recovering, as it were, from a sojourn in the sun, and looking for a summer school job to give me breathing space financially before recruitment began in earnest in August. I had about forty e-mails from language schools in England to read through and my mind was becoming boggled. Here`s a sample; my italics:

`Language Lust of Llandudno seeks a teacher with a DELTA and/or an MA/PHD in Applied Linguistics. You will have an immense capacity to communicate with enthusiasm and energy. You will have the opportunity to earn £100 a week less 97% tax, medical insurance, and accommodation expenses plus food.`

These people invariably require several sheets of form-filling before they even consider offering you an interview. Here`s an example. I leave out the duller bits such as what name you should put as the applicant. For the artiste among you, you may print it out and complete. There`s a prize of being allowed to sit undisturbed in the back bedroom for the length of time it takes to come up with suitable responses.


Please give details of your education, including dates, girlfriends, pets, eating habits, pubs frequented, parking tickets, bus fares, train journeys outside your normal habitude, certificates, diplomas, and degrees awarded.


Please give details of any previous employment, including dates, names and addresses of employers, phone numbers, hair and eye colour, children (fostered or adopted), Brazilian hunchbacks, and place of purveyance.


Please give the names of three referees who have known you since primary school and can vouch for the fact that you have never eaten catfish. They cannot be anyone who knows you personally. One of them must be a Japanese business entrepeneur living in Guatemala with a widely acknowledged speech impediment and two china giraffes on his mantelpiece in Kyoto.


You must have an International Drivers` License that allows you to drive a) DAFt Trucks, b) menstruation cycles, c) any Hungarian, d) pre-electric street urchins in Ecuador, e) a red wheelbarrow with white chickens, f) onion bargees, and g) Poland`s Przewalski`s horse. Oh, and please bring a jeep.


In not more than three sides of A4 - or in the space provided - explain why you want to work on a Russian oil rig in the middle of the Siberian winter sixty miles off the coast for six months without sight or sign of a woman and only the occasional Bolivian.


Please note our dress code. You will be expected to wear the company hat, green and purple with the company`s crest, a pair of mating hedgehogs. You will also be expected to wear a maroon T-Shirt with the motto OSAMA LIVES. Yeti moon boots are provided. As are our now world famous blue panda y-fronts and sock package.



 I rejected the idea of working for any of them immediately and rapidly deleted all from my in-box. I have my resumée on a website and always forward it to prospective employers. It contains everything from early school education to employment history and referees. Each time I receive an e-mail from a wannabe employee, I send jpegs of all of my degrees, diplomas and certificates, together with my full CV and even greater detail in respect of my education and work history, jpegs of all the pertinent pages of my passport in both black and white, and a colour duplicable jpeg of me for their inevitable paperwork. The response invariably comes back: `Thank you for your resumée. Please complete our attached application form, and be sure to complete the sections on school education, employment history and referees.` With all the will in the world this bores me like treacle on a wall.



The other thing is the declaration. I`ve encountered some institutions who will require you to state categorically in writing that you are not a paedophile. It`s like head-hunting with menaces. Clearly if you do not continue with your application you`re a paedophile. Long before this point I`ve usually deleted the monsters from my in-box. In my opinion a lot of this bumf is written by paedophiles for paedophiles. I make no further comment. The ubiquitous `police check` also gets up my nose. I`ve been teaching for 16 years now and nowhere I`ve been across the globe has anyone the bare-faced cheek to accost me as a possible criminal. The English are nothing if not masters of the paranoiac fantasy.



In my view a lot of the problems in English society stem from its preconceptions about itself. Homophobia and paedophilia are at the top of almost everyone`s (bullying) consciousness was my own understanding from my schooldays in Yorkshire. I spent most of my teenage years under the cosh from the local yokels and fretting about whether I was homosexual or not while feeling terrifying paranoias lest the people around me thought I was a paedophile. At 16! It wasn`t until I experienced the blessed winds of the then recently liberated Eastern Europe (`94) that I began to free myself of the `English disease` and became a part of a loving relationship that didn`t demand I spend all my time pissed in the pub lamenting the prevalence of AIDS` spreading by `queers`, child molesting, and enjoying the democratic inviolability that comes from being white, Christian, and therefore an accepted `mouthpiece` for racial bigotry, misogyny and sexism.



I`ve taught schoolchildren in places as diverse as Russia, Saudi Arabia, Oman, Hungary and Poland. Kids. The well-travelled teacher sees them for what they are: dangerous. They can destroy your career with a word to their nearest counsellor. At the Al-Jazeera International Academy in Riyadh I was told `never be alone in a classroom with a child`. The `children` I got to teach in Saudi Arabia were all boys, and the advice from management was wise. All-male classes are something of a trap for Westerners. Being propositoned on the street by men is something you also have to get used to. After a while, without women to distract your mind in the classroom too, young boys become engaging; if not attractive. You find yourself wondering if they`re being deliberately alluring.



Similarly, in Oman`s College of Education in Rustaq where classes were mixed, boys on one side and girls on the other: `Don`t be found alone in a room with a female student and always keep the door open if there are female students in the room,` I was told. Simple advice but essential. Careers have been wrecked by young women making poisonous accusations because they got 40% instead of the 75% they`d aimed at. Often they`d come to me with their test papers or essays and coquettishly remark that they thought the mark `too low` and how would I like to spend some time with them and their family at the wadi where they lived with its waterfalls to bathe in and mountains of fruit on the trees of the valley`s slopes? Much as I`d love to stand under the water and eat forbidden fruit, I have to pay my way and giving accurate grades is how I earn my corn.



It was usually about `observation` and a job I genuinely loved, not least because of the honour and prestige I felt it bestowed upon me and the implied trust of my employers as well as the local and central education authorities. I`d go with the - mainly young women aged around 18 - to watch them give classes in the region`s primary schools. We`d arrive early and have an informal chat over tea and biscuits with the headmistress before going outside into the quadrangle (Omani schools are all constructed along the same lines, quad in the centre and buildings in a square around it) where the student body (all girls about four foot high) would be gathered in their uniforms of brown knee-length abiyah and trousers, and blue headscarf tied tightly about their cute chins and wrapped tightly about their cute ears so that they couldn`t hear or speak. Hardly surprising that they wore the headscarf, I thought when I heard the strains of the school song. At some institutions they play it on a cassette and the children sing along to that, but at other places you get the full musical ensemble of drums, wind instruments, and brass - of a variety and design that, peculiarly Arabian, sounds like a cat being castrated with all the amplification, woofer and tweet of a KIϟϟ concert.



After that I`d check my schedule and begin the less than onerous task of visiting lessons and giving marks for performance that I wrote on my check list during the course of my observations. The girls, naturally nervous, would endeavour to speak wholly in English although, I knew, if they were alone with their students they`d probably use a good deal of Arabic. They`d display their realia, a few pictures they`d collected from different borderline forbidden places on their journey to become schoolteachers, by blue-tacking them to the board, and they`d parade their ofttimes bad spelling for the edification of the onlookers. At the end of each session I`d give them their written assessment and make suggestions about what they should do to improve their skills. Usually I made some comments about the need to use the board more (something I myself avoid like the plague), deploy more realia, or improve on their pronunciation and/or spelling. I had a sheet to complete also, a ten point list of attainments that carried ten marks each for the attainees. It looked something like this.

School # 347


Dress code (is the teacher appropriately dressed so that only her eyes can be nearly seen?)


Speech (is the teacher audible beneath the students` headscarves or must she shout louder?)


Writing (are the handwritten squiggles and burps of the teacher clearly visible to the students at the rear of the classroom?)


Classroom control (is the teacher employing her whip efficiently?)


Class Participation (is the teacher hovering over the students enough, in case their parents are rich and successful members of the local police force?


Pronunciation (make sure the teacher is neither making clicking noises with her tongue or making ululating screamy noises in her throat, as is the way of Arab women when speaking with their daughters normally)


Reading (does the teacher give the students enough time to look at the pictures in the books so that they can puzzle away at the meanings of the alien inscriptions for a sufficient period to exhaust them and leave them with a growing sense of failure or achievement?)


Is enough time being given to the importance of the wrapping and unwrapping of the headscarf defiantly in front of the teacher?


Communication (are the teacher`s handsignals understandable to everyone excluding the observer?)


Visual aids (are the pictures and realia used by the teacher Islamic in content and do not feature Jennifer Aniston in any way whatsoever?)




 In Poland`s Lębork the students suggested that I marry one of their number. Anya was 14. They were serious. `She is for you,` one older girl told me. `You can press your suit,` I was informed by another less definably mature 15 year old. While teaching at Summer School in Beloretsk, Russia, I had a young girl come knocking on my door at around 10.00 PM claiming to `know what I wanted to do` and that `there are two of us`. Okay, fine. Condoms were also thoughtfully provided by the Russian administrators in a drawer in my bedroom. There is no rule in Russia about the legal age for sex. But one`s conditioning says otherwise, and am I wrong to close the door haplessly and go back to sleep?



In Hungary I worked at two secondary schools, Táncsics Mihály (emblematic revolutionary figurehead of the Magyar`s 1848 uprising against the Hapsburg Empire) and Szerb Antal (novelist who wrote - English title - Journey By Moonlight, 1937), in tandem. The boys were fiercely disinterested and the girls were practising their universal art of quiet invisibility while burgeoning beautifully. That helped to take my mind off my ineffectuality as an ELT professional. Frankly, when it comes to teaching youngsters it`s about not treading on their toes and giving them something to do. That`s all. Paranoid bureaucrats demanding you condemn child molesting in writing kind of taints the ambition.



Phone interviews can be fun.  I had one recently for a job in the Middle East and I wasn`t asked by the UK based employer if I was a junkie paedophile. Here`s how it went.

A: `Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? I`m having problems with my end.`
B: `I`m sorry to hear that. I don`t think there`s anything I can do from here.`
A: `Could you shout very loudly. Lung busting screams if you can. I can barely hear above a whisper.`
B: OKAY!!!
A: `A bit louder please. I want to record this and play it back to a sixteen member panel of mixed cultured ELT professionals before we can make any kind of decision.`
B: `The ball was in!`
A: `What? Speak up. The line is a poor one. I can see your face on the webcam quite clearly though. Are you of Asian descent?`
B: `No, I`m a tennis umpire from Wimbledon.`
A: `Wimbledon, eh? That`s interesting.`
B: `No.`
A: `Tell me, to begin with. Why do you want to work in Saudi Arabia?`
B: `Money.`
A: `Yes I see. You can buy honey in the local supermarkets here. You`re aware of the cultural differences and the need to be polite and respectful at all times?`
B: `Yes, I avoid speaking in glowing terms about the flavoursomeness of bacon and, when I see my employers and the students kneeling in prayer to Allah, I refrain from chanting `Bums in the air, bums in the air; haven`t got a prayer, bums in the air`.`
A; `Very good. Cultural sensitivity is of paramount concern in the Middle East, as you know.  What with all that oil money and rabid radicalism.`
B: `I always convert to Islam immediately on arrival and take the nearest bus to Mecca in order to perform Umrah [walking seven times counter-clockwise around the temple of Abraham].`
A: `So you are Muslim?`
B: `No, I am an ELT professional.`
A: `Okay, let`s press on. How would you teach a class of adults uncountable nouns?`
B: `I`m a great believer in realia, so I always buy bread, sugar and milk before this type of serious confrontation with grammatical consistency.

I show them `a loaf of bread`, then I cut off a slice and show them `a slice of bread` before explaining that bread is uncountable but we can count `a loaf` and `a slice` of (uncountable) bread. Then I pour sugar on their heads followed by milk and explain that you can`t count that either. I call it `class participation`.`

A: `How do you introduce them to `some` and `any`?`
B: `I explain that `any` is used in questions or negatives but that `some` is used in all other cases, both with multiples of countables as well as uncountables and hubbabubbles. I then give them examples which I sedulously scribble onto the wipeboard for upwards of forty-five minutes at a stretch so that the students can throw things at each other behind my back and ignore a full and comprehensibububibble knowledge of the lexic.`
A: `Do you have any questions for me, before we conclude?`
B: `How much would I expect to pay for toothpaste in Riyadh?`
A: `About 500 Saudi Arabian Riyals.`
B: `Thank you. Quite cheap then?`
A: `Oh, absolutely. That concludes our interview. Goodbye.`
B: `Cheerybuzz.`

I also had an interview with China by SMS which is always ennervatingly maddening because of the tininess of the phone keys and the false expectation in the mind of the user that it is in fact possible to type out messages with them. It went like this.

Ronb iUserh?
U work her#?
Yes please.
How u?
Fine. Thx.
U good teach is?
Yes. Very good.
We like u cv.
How u teech uncle own table nuns?
With a sliced loaf.
How lung u stay?
1 or 2 years.
Will come to China?

I`d already agreed to work in Morocco actually, but sometimes this is what you must do. Jobs fall through and you have to have a fall back position. China always asks you to pay your own return airfare and they`ll refund at the end of your contract, but that`s about 1000 US $ you need to have as spare cash before you can even think of applying, then you have to pay for a medical, and go to London for a (hopefully paid for) visa from their Embassy. I once spent six weeks in London awaiting a Saudi visa after being in Sudan where I`d saved 4,000 US $ in six months. Not much change out of that after living at the Imperial College London`s student hostel in South Kensington for a month and a half! Strolling over to gape at the recent construction of Chelsea football ground`s Wembley-esque `porcupine`, or blinking in willed touristy wonderment at the nearby Albert Hall from a vantage point across the road beside the architectural question mark to God that is the Albert Memorial: it isn`t any compensation for the money that you need to cushion your fall when there are no jobs to be had and you didn`t have the wherewithal to put a roof over your head. Scenery is uplifting, but not if you have to sleep in Kensington Gardens.



Is Ted Knacky Coccus Really Ted?

07/02/2012 11:46

Is Ted Knacky Coccus Really Ted?


The ELT master of gnomic utterances, cursing subvocally, saw the fourteenth stud`nt out of eighteen go off in the direction of their avowed destination, the toilet, and wondered how he`d been Skyped into this. Recruiter, Jim Pederathty of Thki Rocketing, said there wath a bed for me. However, his pronunciation hadn’t been understandable. Most male Yarubean stud`nts wear the white dress length shirt they call a thob. Observing them going to the loo, walking hand in hand, the mind wandered to thinking about Jim`s instructions about living amongst men wearing white dressing gowns; as if it were the hotel bathroom, and they were on their way to bed.



 If it`s a thob thtory, thob bathroom made more thenth, came the thought, and Jim Pederathty of Thky ith a ped`. However, at leatht the hotel I was thtaying in had a bathroom as well. Newly Skyped, the video-phone medium hadn’t been met with earlier in the career of an ELT `victim`, so it’s functioning hadn’t been understood. Having never met anyone who`d Skyped me as a recruiter, peering into darkly lit scenes, on the other end of a webcam, is supposedly a step up from perennial requests for photos of the teacher before the interview. Skyped in Triple ‘E’, Livya, because a recruiter, hiding somewhere in the murky depths of a simulated office, warbling innocently about the immense enthusiasm of the kindergartners, needing a teacher for Science and Maths, politely ignored describing the tinderbox atmosphere of downtown Triple ‘E’, where of an afternoon, held at gunpoint for a few seconds before, sidestepping with alacrity, the would-be murderers and stealers of a mobile phone were cheerily waved gently away. It seemed Jim Pederasty of Ski Rocketing had Skyped to inveigle me to journey to Africa`s leading war zone to steal my phone. After a week civil war broke out in Bunghazi and, though hotfooted out of Livya, it’d seemed a place to want to live.



 Skyped again by `head hunting` Yarubs, and invited to London by careful text messaging, at 10. 00 am a flight with a ticket bought online in Buttapes was agreed. About to close my `in-box`, a quick scan of the `spam box` followed, and a further e-mail from Jim Pederasty discovered sent at around 2.30 pm. Hiding amongst the mail to be deleted, it informed of an interview that wouldn`t now be taking place.



 Changing name by deed poll, from Dr Rusher to Dr Rasher, so to be welcome at the pagan BBQs, degrees and TEFL certificate had the original name. Boarding the plane as a Rasher, Rusher, whose certificates had been perused by e-mail, wouldn`t arrive. It seemed the plan was to not have me arrive, but to send an e-mail to my spam box, cancelling, which would manage the disappearance. Unable to make it to Terminaled 1 airport departure lounge at Fairy Head, Buttapes, the `big smoke` would snuff the ELT journalist as a terminal annoyance.



 Pseuds would later lure a fellow journo, Jamal Khashoggi, to their consulate in Turkey, Istanbul, where he’d be required to remove earphones, and stop listening to music of his own that others could only guess at the seditious purposelessness of: ‘… a recording from the writer's Apple Watch capturing the moment he was allegedly dragged into a study to be drugged and butchered.’1 Though reportedly trying to comply, Jamal was torn apart by 15 Muzzlems with chainsaws wearing the earphones, and listening to what nature loving US’ writer, Henry David Thoreau, described in his conclusion to Walden (1854), ‘the beat of a different drum’,2 so underlining the Kondom’s zero tolerance of MP3 players, where the use of Walkmen is expected to be made forbidden to any but the most senior political figurines, who were in a bit of a jam.



 Beginning to suspect that Jim Pederasty of Ski Rocketing was what it was hoped he wasn’t, being offered `peds` all over a beer, some new rope, and a free car, seemed the order of the day for those being scalped by the red Indians, and Skyped by the ELT cowboys. In a last slope up to the ski lodge for those saddle sore imparters of knowledge, the TEFL`s crew, told they were the intelligent operators, behind the lines of other nations, by our training providers on government schemes devised to obtain cheap spies, the TEFL`s crew were being liquidated by MI6, and its friends abroad, because they had outlived their usefulness, and were becoming an embarrassment of riches.



 Teaching foreigners how to learn English wasn`t on the agenda of Her Majesty`s Foreign Office, because `apples and pears` idiom might be learnt. To the `big smoke`, men in dark sunglasses, holding hands, and wearing the traditional thob, might ask where the `khazi` was, and know what it implied. Used as a euphemism for `toilet`, khazi derives from Italian, ‘casa’, and means brothel. Not exactly thob bathroom in Bunghazi, though a small enough world for an ELT professional to be murdered in.



 Skyped to Livya and out of it was to be relieved of the fracas in Bunghazi, which had ensued after the rise of ISIS during the Crazy Golf wars. US’ President George W. Bush`s open-ended declaration of a `War On Terror` in 2003 sought the support of ‘Vlad’ Puttin’. It was hoped that Puttin’ could be dissuaded from following in the steps of namestake, Prince Vlad Dracul (1428/31-1476/7), ‘the impaler’ of Eastern Europe’s Wallachia, who’d been the draco that put in the hearts of his enemies wooden stakes. Obviously, Puttin’ didn’t yet have too many stakes in the region, while the refusal of the burkha women to be burgered continued to thwart the men of the ‘serpent’s seed`, who were determined to relaunch the ‘biological weapon’ of HIV/AIDS’ plague from the women’s poison sacs. A thob story of ‘blood drinkers’ in black and white, the ‘red dragon’ was having its fangs pulled.



 The Yarubeans have serious problems in distinguishing their bs from their ps. Of course, it wasn’t so serious as the writer with the lithp, who was relating his thob thtory about the purkha women, and how it was that purk was ‘haraam’, that is, forbidden, so was eaten clandestinely. The civil uprising in Bumkhazi was clearly a publisher`s dispute over Livya’s writer. ‘English’ had been using khazi as a term for WC since the Britis' experience of dysentery there in WWII. Consequently, Livya’d been invaded by EATO to make sure that, for a Muttawah or more, remaining in ‘the smallest room in the house`, rather than the kennel, the muzzled peoples could learn about how everyone should wash their hands in the morning, before and after meals, and when going to bed, which was why the Yarubeans were always seen in their dressing gowns. They didn’t have time to get dressed, and so escape from thob ath's room.



 In ancient times the Greeks enslaved the host wombs of women to spread their contagion of war to nearby city states, such as Troy, where they feigned friendship with the gift of a huge hollow wooden horse that the Trojans took into their city, and the Greeks emerged to enslave the host wombs of the women to spread their boy sons further. Although HIV/AIDS, ‘the incurable killer disease’ transmitted by homosexuals as a ‘biological weapon’ in pederasty's 'TV' wars against 'woman's seed', wasn't discovered by DR Congo in Africa until 1983, homosexuality for the spread of war's contagions was institutionalized by the ancient Greeks. Dr Congo had discovered that the human immune deficiency virus (HIV) derived from the simian immune deficiency virus (SIV), which was transmitted by homosexuals mixing blood, shit and semen in the anus. The acquired immune deficiency syndrome (AIDS) resulted in that collapse of bodily organs and brain death which had become the paradigm of the late 20th century. Just as 'Trojans' were the term for 'bad machine code' created to kill machine brains that could have helped the lisping, and lame-brained humans, to get their footrace further than the moon, so 9/11’s terrorist attack on the WTC had been ‘rough trade’, that is, homosexuality in pederasty’s attempt to spread its virus of war, so ensuring that the yellow cab continued to make its living at airports, which would have less significance if the human race had left for the stars, rather than spend so much money on asking its superhero, Beer Man, to insult the flag of the Brafit M’Mumhad, the Al Uqab, and B1.



 EATO`s invasion of Livya to assist the rebels` removal of Colonel Gadaffi from power in 2011 was a further spreading of pederasty`s poisons, and the emergence of HIV/AIDS from the Italian `casa`, which philologists cited as an alternative source for the khazi of London English’s 'big smoke', suggested the boys & pen would be producing writing that was ‘up to snuff’3 in Livya. Jim Pederasty of Ski Rocketing was likely privy, so arriving at Goballs No Leech infants` skull lock-up, it wasn’t a surprise to find that mine was the kennel.



 Obviously the terrorist attack on the World Trade Centre in New York city was designed to reinforce global `rough trade` for those with cash to spend on luring boys and teachers to the bathroom, so they could reestablish pederasty and war in the Greek style, and write the sequel to the Hollywood `blockbuster` movie, World Trade Centre (2005), so further poisoning the globe with action tales of the boys & Bumkhazi, which would surely shortly be appearing on the ‘pig screen' in Hollywood, 'Babylon', as EATO celebrated another nail in the door of the smaller boys` room, `Mi casa es sue casa.`4



 The grande guignol phrase for recruitment operations used to be the salubrious term, `head hunting`, although tiny passport size photos don`t now seem enough for those who`ve experienced being Skyped by video conferencers like Jim Pederasty, who wants to work your ass until you’re brain dead. Receiving a call from Ted Knacky Coccus, who Skyped me into believing in the existence of employment in a Thai studio for `language learning`, a tie had seemed appropriate headgear. Becoming uneasy at the odd webcam angles, and the furtive scrutiny from the tiny camera of the laptop, it was clearly a ‘snuff tin’ lure. Suspecting being targeted by the `big smoke` in London's English, it didn't want my pupils to know the meaning of the words, `Using the John`.



 Jim Pederasty was the instrument they`d chosen for teacher`s `snuff ` so it was off to Phucket, an Island South West of Thailand. Recollecting the book, The Land That Time Forgot (1918), a nervous glance at the wristwatch betrayed the fear that time would soon have forgotten me. Less than a pinch of snuff, or a puff of even smaller caliber, I’d be a victim, like ‘Jam’, of pederasty and war`s devouring of those who ‘knew too much’.



 Written by Edgar Rice Burroughs, The Land That Time Forgot, was rewritten as a 1975 screenplay by Britis’ science fiction writer, Michael Moorcock, before being remade in 2009 with the premise that better quality picture is an excuse for more of the same `cock and bull` story,5 and where ‘cock’ precedes the falling of the hammer onto the rear of the shell in the gun causing the gunpowder to ignite and propel the bullet towards its target, while the ‘bull’ is the lie that the woman is being defended from the `snuff movie` makers, who’re only interested in more cock, as Moorcock himself acknowledged in his novel, Behold The Man (1969), 'Religion was the creation of fear.’6



 Movie remakes of pederasty and war`s `action` represent a preference for `cock and bull` stories about male heroism, so a repeated refusal to improve mental health through screenwriters who could indicate a new direction, because they aren`t interested in repeating contagion. US’ support for Iraq’s dictator, Saddam Hussein, from 1979 against Iran's religious dictator, Ayatollah Khomeini, after his deposing of the Shah, and for Afghanistan's notoriously misogynist Taliban, which harbored Osama Ben Laden, the Saudi Arabian leader of the terrorist group, Al Qaeda, resulted in 9/11 and the Crazy Golf wars. The Hollywood, 'Babylon', movie industry had repeated the action drama formula long enough for the disease to accept the contract.



 In the movie, The Land That Time Forgot (1975), the heroine, Lisa, is Briti’ actress Susan Penhaligon, who’s `improved` by Anya Benton in The Land That Time Forgot (2009), although the plot’s unimproved, because it constitutes Western civilization`s institutionalized repetition of its refusal to abandon its `cock and bull` story, which is that men want to end pederasty and its attendant contagions. Though Lisa twice arouses the penis, it`s `cock and bull`, because misogyny’s objective is to give women as much ‘tonsil hammer' as it can to prevent ‘woman’s seed’ from saying any more about itself than actor, John Wayne, in the film, The Greatest Story Ever Told (1965), ‘Surely, this was the snuff god.’ (Matt: 27, 54) She’sus’ apocryphal reply remains largely unrecorded, although most observers still alive today, and arguing amongst themselves as to who is the most veracious, suggest, ‘Uh!’ In pederasty women are only for enslaving as a `host` womb for the parasitical virus to spread its contagion further. Male writers' stories are `cock and bull` for `snuff movie` makers, and action heroes are the guns that snuff out the life of 'woman's seed' in the slaving of her ignorance.



 Saddam Hussein could see the ruins of the ancient capital of the Persian Empire, Babylon (c. 4000 B.C.), from his summer palace at Hillah, and the ‘action’ of Hollywood, ‘Babylon’, is to retard development, rather than develop: ‘Mystery, Babylon the great, mother of harlots and of the abominations of the Earth.’ (Rev: 17. 5) In the `big smoke` of London's English, `cokenei` means `baby boy`, because ‘snuff’, which is ground tobacco, was originally coke, that is, cocaine, and cigarettes are symbols of women’s penis being smoked. Consequently, cockneys are snuff millers, which is what their children are for. Although ‘john’ is US’ slang for the khazi, and the user of whores, England's symbol, ‘John Bull', is still the central heroic figure at the heart of misanthropy.


1 Lockett, Jon ‘CARVED UP ALIVE Saudi kill squad ‘cut off journalist Jamal Khashoggi’s fingers one by one and dissolved body parts in acid’, The Sun, October 17, 2018, 12. 38 pm, ,

2 Thoreau, Henry David, ‘Conclusion’, Walden, 1854.

3 ‘US informal; as good as it should be: of an acceptable standard’, “The phone system just wasn't up to snuff”,’ Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary & Thesaurus, Cambridge University Press, .

4 `My home is your home`, .

5 ‘A story that is obviously not true’, Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary & Thesaurus, Cambridge University Press, .

6 Moorcock, Michael Behold The Man, Alison & Busby, 1969.


Putting One`s Feet Up Without A Permit

07/02/2012 11:41

Putting One`s Feet Up Without A Permit


Fifteen years as an English language teacher and you would expect some reward, wouldn’t you? In 2000, after five years of teaching, I’d amassed the princely sum of €12,000. Largely thanks to a year spent in Dalek, Pseudi Yarubeer, being bussed from work camp to work place and back again every day in a rattle trap vehicle with no suspension and a complete inability to cushion its occupants from the impact as it ran over those little hillocks the imported non-Pseudi engineers (Westerners) and labor gangs (wage slaves for peanuts from the Philippines and points Far East) had put in the roads every hundred meters or so to slow down the almost non-existent traffic, and prevent the foreseeable accidents that could never possibly be seen by anyone. Other than the drivers, who fell asleep from boredom at the sight of yellow sand; blue skies; grey tarmac, and a lack of anything else (including other vehicles) to keep them interested in their eventless progress. Only in the Muddle East do you see the individual car crash where the driver, experiencing terminal ennui, somehow contrives to miss the road in front of him completely, and skews his transportation through several hundred meters of empty desert; because he lost interest in driving and fell asleep.



 The bus never presented me with the option of sleeping, and I knew it wasn’t lulling me into heaven (breaking my back in order to get me into it - possibly). Suffering repetitive strain injury to my lumbar vertebrae, jolts from the bus that began as a jarring, and which became pained anticipation of previously experienced night time discomfort to the spine, as a consequence of the bus’s lack of shock absorbers, grew into regular wincings. As the bus jounced on, the desire to stand for twenty minutes or so, staring out at the yellow sand and blue sky, while legs and feet took their share of the punishment, increased. My germane illness in that area is called osteomyelitis, and bones crumble if there’s any strain or stress. The doctor at the hospital inside the Konk Carlid Military City, a big nose on wheels in those parts, which ran the English Language Training Centre (ELTC), told me to buy a bicycle to keep fit, because of high blood pressure. Any form of locomotion would be preferable to the bus, so off I launched myself into Dalek proper, and bought one for 300 SAR (about 60 GBP). Riding it back to the camp of the wage slaves (foreign workers) and riding out on it again the following morning to the Military City, the guards made me dismount at the main gate, and called the manager, ‘Beloved’ (Habib), to have him explain to me that I didn’t have a permit to ride a bicycle. Laughing incredulously (but good naturedly), I sold my exercise machine that same day to one of my colleagues for 150 SAR, so that he could wobble around the work camp on it, and get the shopping done for his missus. The doctor was never seen again, and only cried over the 150 SAR. Huddled down in my seat on the bus, lest the guards recognize me as their health-crazed bicycle owner, I pondered the life-expectancy of my still-beating heart. Still unbeaten, humdrum is the beat to which I’m forced marching on.



 Standing on the bus to save me from the heart attacks that the painful sudden jarrings to my back were promising, I bumped predictably along atop the sleeping (but ever wakeful) policeman of the manufactured hilly road. Not that my feet and legs weren’t used to it. If you’ve been teaching for a while, you’d know that the teacher is expected to be upright for the lesson’s whole length; bellowing at the top of his voice, and writing ferociously the entire time. `We want examples. Please write.` This is what the stud`nts ask of me mostly. `The chair is blue,` I tell them. `What color is the wall?` `Red,` they say. `How many more examples do you want?` I inquire. `Please write,` they tell me. `The wall is red,` I write. `The wall is yellow,` I say. `It isn’t,` they complain. `It is in my universe,` I reply smugly. `What color are my eyes?` I ask. `Blue,` they reply. `The eyes are a phantasmagoria of iridescent rainbows,` I write. `What does it mean?` they want to know. `Buy a dictionary,` I enthuse them. `A greater part of learning English is finding out the meaning of words by yourself without any help from your teacher,` I lie wholeheartedly, and with true strength of feeling for it.


 I’m a tremendous advocate of the transparency and the OHP (I’m a poet, an` I know it). To avoid the copious amounts of chalk dust, getting in my eyes and throat, I’d spend a few minutes in the afternoon preparing classes that revolved around the stud`nts staring at the material projected onto the nearest convenient spacious flat surface, while one or other of their number struggled to complete the gap fill exercise I’d cunningly contrived. Watching out for the `trick question` that, in reality, never arises, the stud`nt is always certain there’ll be one, so I put one in to let them feel wholly vindicated.




Use these words to complete the given sentences. Sometimes no words are required, so leave blank. The answer key is at the end of this article; after the notes.


perpendicular, isn’t, Brasiliass, too, bigger, fat


Q1. The grass is and the sun is .


Q2. The teacher is and the stud`nts are .


Q3. Each morning I eat and each evening I eat .


Q4. Brasilia is the capital of and Sydney .


Q5. Robin likes to go but Crushedin likes to go .


 Often I’d leave the trainee male Pseudi nurses to study it as a group, and put my feet up on the desk. Or at least I would have; if I hadn’t been informed (a useful tip this to the ELT professional) that one should never show the soles of your feet in Yarub company: it’s a mortal insult. You’re indicating that others are dust. Actually, I spent a lot of mental energy reminding myself to keep my feet flat to the ground in Pseudi Yarubeer; only to discover later that the Pseudis don’t care. It’s the Egypt Johns, and other Yarubeans that have that weirdness to their aspect. So, always check with Wikitravel, if you’re concerned about local customs ( On the evidence of the numbers of those displaying their feet to me in my classroom, I can only surmise. I leave it to the learnéd reader, and/or intrepid ELT traveler, who’ll verify the veracity of it for themselves.


 Sometimes the stud`nts will encourage you to sit and `relax`, so you gratefully sit, and then find that the room has shrunk to the size of your desk. The horizon has been swallowed up, by looming figures seeking ‘individual explanations tailored to particular needs’. It’s over an esoteric point of grammar they’ve been waiting to catch you unawares with for the entire semester, `Why is a comma not an apostrophe?` they implore. `Because it isn’t,` I respond tetchily. `Is your brother a sister?` They consider it: `You are a great teacher.` ‘Yes,’ I dispute. Getting to my feet as the immanent storm clouds recede to their own chairs, I further elicit: ‘And I got that way by learning to stand up in my shoes for fifty minutes at a stretch.`


 The great events of the week was my giving a lesson on listening. We’d sit in the language lab with our headphones on. Devotedly straining to comprehend the numbingly inane meanderings of the Headoff interactive video, imagine my surprise when the red London bus lurched into view. It wasn’t the bus that sits in inactive solitude outside MacDonald’s in Buttapes’ 3rd district, whimsically named `Frog Meadow`, because it was where the local French immigrants were enlisted to be the chorus for ‘Pool McCartney’s ‘We’re All Stoned Together’ (1984), ’ Win or lose, sink or swim. One thing is certain we'll never give in.’1 The kids swarm all over it, while watching the Headoff video on their I-pod supafones, and chuckling delightedly when the big red London bus loomed into view. I jest, naturally. Not many London buses on the way to Ealing in Yarubeer`s Dalek, tho’ clearly that’s where the money-laden Yarubean foreigners should be. `Blondie`, my stud`nts tell me when the Headoff lead actress appears topless. It’s a matter of some interest to them; if to no one else. Blondes are rare in Yarubeer, because of the BBQs: but they know their name.


 As the tape wears on, it becomes clear that something is troubling the soundtrack. When the room lighting is switched on, it’s observable that none of the booths provided had occupants wearing headsets to hear the taped Headoff audio material with their mouthpieces prepared to respond to the questions posed by the Headoff characters, Lyn, Ann & Paul, ‘What is the capital of Brazil?’ ‘B!’ they usually bellow in unison. Or so I was led to believe. With me there’s no one is present at any of the booths, although their caps with the Pseudi army emblem are prominently displayed at the corners. Feet sticking out from behind the last row indicate the source of the overdub. Loud snores from the stud`nts, piled up at the back of the classroom, with their feet in each others` eyes; noses, and mouths. Inveigled back into position with the promise of more Blondie, and perhaps ‘Hanging On The Telephone’ (1978):


‘I had to interrupt and stop this conversation

Your voice across the line gives me a strange sensation,

I'd like to talk when I can show you my affection.’2


 After a quick burst, the heads reappear fitted to the caps, and they agree to place a tick in the appropriate box:


The bus is


red              Australian              marzipan



 One stud`nt correctly identifies that the bus is all three; it having been constructed in Canberra. `What is marzipan?` one of them wants to know. `It’s the number 32 to Mars,` I tell them. One of the great secrets of ELT is never let them catch you out, and don’t let them ask questions you don’t have an answer for. Especially not those infernally confiding, `the teacher is my personal friend` style impositions. I often tell my stud`nts that, `No, I am not your friend. I’m your teacher.` Then they have no excuse; they are not a familiar. The earnestly yearning moué no longer has any place in the language laboratory, and one can safely operate without feeling; the coldly calculating instrument of the finest of surgeons. How often I’ve been delivered of a stud`nt into my class, from the lower echelons of the language skull I’m working at, who’s without the capacity to choose accurately from the indefinite articles:




Use either a or an in order to complete the sentences. Remember, it is a before a word beginning with a vowel (a, e, i, o, u) and an before a word beginning with any other of the twenty-six letters of the alphabet.


Q1. There is banana next to the umbrella behind the television.


Q2. There is orange inside the umbrella underneath the window.


Q3. Behind the television, underneath the window, there is potato next to the banana.


Q4. Above the potato adjacent to the banana, on the windowsill, behind the television and the umbrella with the orange inside it, is grape.


Q5. Grape is green and red.


 You have to explain to your stud`nts that you’re not their friend, and most institutes insist that you tell them this from the first. To avoid the partialities of favoritism and classroom jealousies that can result in perpetual enmity, ‘You are their teacher!’ Otherwise, you start thinking you’ve a life. Here are all these people who want to be with you. Suddenly you’re a center of interest, but only insofar as you’re like Tralfalmadore Square in London with the statue of Billy Pilgrim atop: hero of Pilgrims’ language skull’s ELT journal, Humanizing Language Teaching (b. 1998), and the central figure of novelist Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse-Five, who encounters a ufonaut from the planet Tralfalmadore, who explains: ‘All time is all time. It does not change. It does not lend itself to warnings or explanations. It simply is. Take it moment by moment, and you will find that we are all, as I've said before, bugs in amber.’3 All stud`nts of English language want to convince themselves that they’re pilgrims. In fact `Bill Grimage` is a name by which I’m known in many places. `Where is Bill Grimage?` `He’s the square over there by the red wall that he thinks is yellow,` they point me out. Over they come in droves in order to ask me if there are enough camels in Hyde Park? Enough? `I’ve always found it replete with as many camels as I could desire,` I announce; `one has to be careful or one has nothing else to step on.`


 I’m a believer in humor means humon. Joking with my stud`nts, respect is maintained for my role. It’s important that humanity is displayed, and lightly done. Wearing a blue sock and a pink, some of the stud`nts ridiculed my mistake, `I wanted to see who would laugh at me, and who would laugh with me,` I jerked. Some laughed. I was the teacher: not their friend.


 Walking through the desert from the wage slave labor camp to the NWLFH at the Konk Kalid, and having to stop to allow a column of wheeled tins with fully extended proboscis to pass, I was glad to leave Dalek before konking out in front of the goggle-box watching the Yarubean episodes of the Doctor Who serial, ‘Crazy Golf war II’, ‘Exterminate!’4 Stepping off the plane in Buttapes, near to the guest house, or panzió usually lodged at in Myrna Loy’s Galoshes’ street, Heavy Mettel You`re A Peon bearings were found. Buying for cash at a nearby estate agent, the first property they showed me for 4.1 millió Hungriun, a subterranean dwelling the Mad Jaw (Magyar) call alagsor, that is, `basement`, was putatively mine. It was at the local ‘Faith’ church, where they put their arms in the air to make a ‘Y’ for ‘wired’, that Lord Charles, ‘the dummy’ (sodomy), and his ventriloquist, Ray Allen, had explained that those who didn’t speak the words of their ‘vents’ had their jaws wired up, which was why the local tribe was Magyar (Mad Jaw), because they were deemed mad for attempting to jaw without aides from among the Boble leg spurts.



 Basement flat #2 was the second of its type at the apartment block in One Horse Coach street, Ferencvaros (Frank’s castle), where Let’s Zep Boleyn (from her head), so that they could jaw with her, was regularly heard,  ‘Run for the razor, doin' up my hair …’5 Although Led Zeppelin’s ‘Royal Orleans’ wasn’t about Anne Boleyn’s (d. 1536) husband, king Henry VIII of England, divorced for not paying for the tax on his chopping (VAT), but rather ‘The Maid Of Orleans’, Joan of Arc (d. 1431), who was the Duke of Orleans’ stake in the French throne, which was why the English king, Henry V, burned her there, it was evident that it was a ‘voice coach’. Without a penis of her own, ‘woman’s seed’ would become hoarse until voice and brain disappeared in the hatred of the coach’s misogyny.


 Commencing living a life without stud`nts, while discovering what France’s Victor Hugo had penned so much about in Les Miserables (1862), and Soupçon Boil had murdered in the song she sung from the musical about misery, `I Dreamed A Dream` (2010): `Still I dream he'd come to me, and we would live the years together.`6 Obviously the vent was taking control, and ‘Dul Laden anybody’s my guess. People are irremediably drab. Sneezed upon on trams and debating with oneself whether six oranges or two kilos? Stifling incredulous yawns as metroline #2 takes you inconceivably vast distances from Anybotty Tér to Blow-a-Loser Tér ‘neath the Blurred Danude (1866) of Viennese Johnny Insbruck II, which is a rather muddier brown for the Butt to Apes travelers, who unblinkingly yawn at your own yawning gormlessness. Then its grey statues in the rain in Statue Park where one almost has a heart attack as a statue moved, and you’d thought it wasn’t a resident.



 On those days, I’d surface from my submerged existence, but most days I’d lie athwart my bed. Aroused only by the sight of footwear passing blearily through the dim panes of my hidden abode, eventually the light seemed to refuse to enter. Remaining beneath the blankets for uncountenanced days, I told myself I was recuperating, though I was having a mental breakdown. Months of unpaid bills resulted in a visit from the workmen to cut off my electricity supply. In the muddle of Winter, standing by the stove’s gas ring, hands became warner. Finally, the flat went for a fraction of its value, and learning economics had become a lesson in how to torture teacher.


 Studying economics at ‘Ull Collage of Further Head Chuck Occasions (H.C.F.H.C.O), a part of my Briti Head Duck Occasion Council National Diploma (BSOCND) in Busyness Studies, which in the Coarse Description was, ‘The Mafia Organization In Its Environment’, year 1 and 2 module (1978-80). However, life isn’t about economics. It’s about how much greyness you can tolerate. I’d found a void had entered my soul, and economically taken root. It would be 10 more years before I’d have the euros I’d need to buy my soul back from the devil of boredom. Teaching jobs that pay $1000 a month don’t cut the ice, and hit the mustard of affording booze and burkhas. There are lots offering a tow in Newrope, and Afreecar. I was living in a flop house in ‘Ull when I got the interview I needed in 2009. The train fare to London was almost beyond my scope, but I risked it at over 100 GBP return. I spoke with Mr Carlid, an ancient Egypt John steeped in wheeled nose science detachment. The ‘lid, a generic term for those born with physical deformities that made them ‘armless in the concerned 1960s of nascent neighborhood watch teams, that is, ‘armless through their mother`s taking the thalidomide drug to ease birth, was on his way to Riyald for a nail biting salary of 12,000 SAR (about 2000 GBP) a month working for ‘Jizz’ Academy.


 Despite a tow in Newrope from Egypt John in Afreeca, the light of knowledge, visibly shining through the tow of blonde hair gracing the teacher’s incandescent brain, dimmed as the snuff cap of withering age began to settle on his Pilgrims’ pate. Soon the `lid would be nailed, and it`d be the blameworthy engine. For it`s the genius of what the Yarbians call djinn that are called upon when something`s to be achieved, like the invention of the motor car, and it`s genius that`s dispensed with first when men have what they think they want. Preferring a `lid nailed down, and a his and hearse instead of the planets among the stars of heaven, it`s always the engine.


 A year later and I had €13,000. Again I stepped off the plane at Buttapes` Fairy Head 1 Air Terminal and found a flat through an estate agent. This time on the third floor of a building without a lift. ‘The exercise will do you good,’ I was cajoled. I keep the name of the street a secret in fear of stud`nt reprisals at being asked to do some work at home. Buying it was easy; living there was harder. I had to have a residence card, and before that I needed medical insurance, which I could only get if I worked in Hungry: ‘There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane, he had to fly them. If he flew them, he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to, he was sane and had to.’7 Orr means ‘nose’ in Hungry, although in Joseph Heller’s Catch-22 novel of WWII it’s the name of a pilot that’s sane if he doesn’t want to be killed, so he’s placed in danger of being killed by enemy air aces. ‘It never reigns, butt it’s nose,’ say the wheeled konks with their royal families of spiders hanging in the hairs sniffing after the hole ahead.


 The average salary in Buttapes amongst the ‘Hunghair’, as the Germans call that great nation, was around 30,000 HUF a month when I arrived in the Summer of ’95, which was about 100 GBP. So, who would want to work there? I discovered that I could be insured for 250,000 HUF per annum, which is way out of the reach of the average well hung nose a-wheel - and mine – slaved until exhausted by those speeders demanding humility from the human race sped past. So, the question becomes: ‘Who wants you to live here?’ The answer is no one; if you can’t afford it. An alternative answer is: richer pickings for the bigger thieves.


 Named Robin, `Hood` is what they come up with after moments or weeks; depending on their thought waves and the inclinations of the local controlling telepathic coercers.They grin: I understand. These are the Merry Men. They’ll rob me; if they can, and wish I were richer. This, of course, is the true sense of the tale. First Konk Rich, but then the Merry Men of the car hood, that is, the gangstas with the molls, who want a Konk John - but’d accept a wheel John from Egypt; if they were allowed to continue molesting unmolested. Maid Marian is the marrying kind with a sim(eon) card for her `phone, while Xmas Robin’s tyred and exhausted in the Buttapes` nose. They didn’t call the nobblers of the Magna Carta (1215) `robber barons` for nothing, which was ‘the nub and the rub’ for modern gangsta ‘rappers’, such as New York’s Run DMC, when they were ‘illing those who wouldn’t be slaves in the 80s with vampire tracks like, ‘Proud To Be Black’ (1986). Leeches are people, who don’t want to work, and they drink the blood of those who have to – or if they’re lucky – like to. The thieves have all their time to think on it too: ‘There's not a slave, in this day and age.’8



 I’m a small writer in a small way, but who’s `looking after` the big ones? Who’s the hood in the neighborhood of J.K. Rowling (1965-); the woman enslaved by Harry Potter to write about him? How long will the men stay merry? For every small fish, there’s a piranha; and for the big fish there’re shoals of piranha. I’m probably being nibbled at even now; as I sit here with my Smart Phone, a tablet of tone, proofreading the collected pieces for May I Torture You Teacher, while the snake-eyed driver of the car, Nibal, directs the occupants of his taxi’s slaved attention to the local artistic municipal features. Metallic parti-colored giant fish on traffic islands punctuate our way to Nobyu Collage. Small fry attract smaller piranha. I don’t want to be a pig, John, so why bother looking for eagles to make a pigeon, ’bye? For me writing’s fun and interesting; even entertaining. For criminals, it’s only robbery – with or without menaces. Potter’s a writer's urn, because it's her funeral; if she'll accept her role as a slave to a wordprocessor. That’s why the entertainment industry is like it is. People like to be entertaining; and the evil prey on that: but how many of the smiling faces are Merry Men’s? It’s the old story of the Rumun Emperor’s Praetorian Guard; they overthrow the Emperor, and give the throne to the infant so they can rule by proxy. Who’s going to table it to the bread heads? Shoals of cruising piranhas isn't an economy. Casting bread upon the waters (Ecc: 11.2) only encourages cannibalism. Nibal nibbles onwards in his car; looking to make a bigger catch in its 4WD pot.



 I teach busyness English sometimes. My qualification is from 1980 in Busyness Studies, so it’s necessary to know the latest buzz word jargon aligned with the computer age’s take on counting buttons to see if  it’ll fly. You get the odd stud`nt, Mr Odd, who’ll ask about examinations, and I usually explain that there are no such; unless one wants to complete the test system on the CD Rom given with the material as a curiosity for the geek-minded among us. My experience is that they don’t want to learn Busyness English; they want a cheap BMA and they want you to write it for them. Like most ESP, Busyness English is about the knowledge and usage of terms; like `stocks and shares`. You explain the meaning of the words, so that the stud`nt is able to place them into sentence structures that they know will make sense to others. It’s the same as medical English ESP. You explain the word `scalpel` and then they know they’re asking the nurse for the right tool when they’re at surgery as a guest performer in New York. ESP Busyness isn’t about teaching Busyness therefore. Many stud`nts come to a Busyness English teacher expecting to be given a Busyness programme in English. I’ve often had to do far more work with what are normally individual stud`nt classes than the learners themselves in providing a Busyness programme that isn’t on the agenda – or even the map – of the language skull I’m working for; just to keep things ticking over and not lose a job I hadn’t contracted for.



 I’ve had stud`nts of English language, who were at medical Universe City, although I wasn't there teaching them, take a course at the place I worked to ask me questions about the operation and functionality of `the eye English`. Previously unaware that Lillian Glish, the Hollywood actress, who starred in W. D. ‘Forty’ Gruffit’s Porn Of A Nation (1912), was being ‘eyed’, I went out and bought a three-dimensional model for ten quid, and took it apart under their noses to show them the labeled sections before reassembling it again. It`s not the role of an ESP teacher to cut their eyes up and label them; just as it`s the function of the medical Universe City to explain that it isn't the role of the stud`nt to blind their teacher and put them in a wheelchair. Cutting their eyes up and labeling them is the sort of thing teachers are asked by medical stud`nts in English classes to countenance on a regular basis. It`s because ancient Egypt John religion had a science of the eye in which the parts were numbered in terms of edibility, because the evil killed beauty. Wadjet is Egypt John`s goddess of the eye, because the wombs of women are men’s jet printer, which they don’t want to escape, `Watch it!` As beauty disappears from view, the eyes of humans are effectively devoured. US novelist William S. Burroughs had a theory about heroin addicts, who became so as spiders crawled into their eyes, and lived there poised to ejaculate and boy son some pupilled heroine: ‘… my contention is that evil is quite literally a virus parasite occupying a certain brain area which we may term the RIGHT center. The mark of a basic shit is that he has to be right. And right here we must make a diagnostic distinction between the hard-core virus-occupied shit and a plain, ordinary, mean no-good son of a bitch. Some of these sons of bitches don't cause any trouble at all, just want to be left alone.’9  It’s the irregular extra-curricular activities that keep you employed by the shits . You get tagged as a `good Joe`, and can pick up your usual cheque at the end of the month.


 Giving an unpaid seminar to colleagues on the subject of realia, examples included  an eye with optic nerve plastic kit; some erasers in a box shaped like hot dogs; hamburgers, and fruit. Focusing on the theme, as it were. There was an ice-cream pencil sharpener; a knife and fork, and a pair of plastic shoes that had pencil sharpeners in the heel. The last was for kids and was made by the Walt Disney (1901-66) Company (b. 1923). In the shop you could buy individual or shoe pairs, and I couldn’t understand why anyone would buy a pair when they could buy one. With stud`nts of Lillian Glish, the bod’ of 1912, it'd remind them they'd need a foot, that is, 12”. One only needs one pencil sharpener. I’ve never seen anyone using two at once. Then I saw two children fighting over who got which shoe after opening the plastic packaging. The left hand (and foot) is haraam, that is ‘forbidden’, in Yarubean culture. It's for hygiene reasons to do with which hand wipe the bum. Curiously, all of the single shoe pencil sharpeners were right shoes. Disney, being a typically American company, were selling two shoes for the price of one. However, these savvy Yarubean kids, brought up on tales of djinn wafting babes to Astiffen on magic carpets, wanted a foot, because futanarian women got to fuck their own race, and they were prepared to go at each other’s throats for that.



 At the end of the presentation, Jizz management carefully snaffled every bought item . Mumbling inaudibilities, he disappeared off into his office upstairs. Like I say, don’t expect to get paid more for additional ESP programmes you’re unofficially obliged to deliver as a wage slave. No one will expect anything less of you than to spend weeks preparing material for a one month Busyness course on `Creative Report Writing Skills`, `Running a Meeting`, `Leadership and Team Building`, and `Making a Presentation`, which were components of a company-styled Soft Skills Training Programme provided at Oxfudge Internal Nepotism, Khartoum, Sudan. Note that it’s an entire Busyness course; not ESP. Accreditation for such programmes is given in the OIN, K, S brochure as being provided by the Unstitute of Professional Managers and Equine (UPME) which, according to their website, provides Busyness courses leading to BMA opportunities for those who reach the level required. However, I was employed as a language teacher; not a provider of English Busyness course programmes. OIN, K, S even published brochures defining me as a `busyness expert`, and this is what you learn to expect in ELT overseas: beware. You are both undervalued in terms of salary and overburdened as well as overvalued; in terms of what is expected of you, and what they publicize you as being able to do. It’s a not very fine line between teaching the word for `scalpel`, and telling the surgeon where to make the incision, while holding onto his wrist as he does so.



 It’s what youngsters just out of Universe City are expected to do throughout the world. Meeting one who, not even out of Universe City, had been recruited for a Muddle East position, and a role in Riyald’s Higher Institute for Prosthetics Fabrication, he was required to train stud`nts in machinery operation using technical instruction manuals in English - and he wasn’t even 18. Just had a nice English sounding voice: to them. Actually, he had a broad West Yorkshire accent, and I should know; I’m from North Yorkshire. His advantage was that he was young; so malleable. Don’t be fooled by `institutes` offering `training`, before dropping you in at the deep end of the swimming pool.8 All they do is tell you what they want from you, and often it has little to do with ELT.



 Working with a teacher whose popularity was legendary amongst the stud`nts, one fine morning during exam time I discovered why. Walking into the exam he was invigilating with his class, they were sitting in splendor amidst one of the richest feasts it has ever been my amazement to witness; coffee jugs; sweetmeats; sandwiches; cakes; juices, etc. The stud`nts busily chewing and drinking all through their exam. This teacher was also much beloved of management, but where’s the ELT training course that teaches that? Perhaps it’s included in the DOLTE now? I don’t know. Another of the teachers followed the institution’s instructions to the letter: no food or drink allowed in the classroom. He lasted about as long as a cup of tea he wouldn’t let them be seen with; management kicked him out after `complaints` that he was running things in a `military style` and wouldn’t let them use the bathroom until after the lesson was over: so it goes. I hung on for twelve months, which is as long as it takes a stud`nt at Jizzy Ra to get his diploma (so I saw through a whole intake) – and all for the pitiful remuneration of €13,000 annual net.


 Staying on a monthly basis at the Azidzia three star hotel, a mile or so up the street from the Jizz, it had twin beds, and a prison sentence in the offing; if even the presence of a woman had been smelt in there. I was there for a few hours, before I detected the sound of the little man with the hammer that seems to follow me about everywhere. Does anyone else notice that? It doesn’t matter where I am in the world; after a few hours I begin to hear the little man with the hammer somewhere close by in some room making desperate alterations to the contents that’ll take at least all of the time I’m due to be staying there for their completion to be assured. Consequently, my usual modus operandi is to rush pack everything in the last fifteen minutes I have before leaving for the airport; in the hope I can smuggle myself out without the little man with the hammer sneaking off with me in the luggage and planning fresh outbreaks that’ll keep me awake into the wee small hours of the dawning at my next port of call. If I ever find him, I’ll hit him with his own hammer: I promise you.


 The staff of the hotel were a bit robotic and glum; mainly from Pokistern I guessed. Most of the foreign taxi drivers were from Bangalot, Hydershe’sbad and Bombmum, etc., which is why they’d come. Spiritually they were all Egypt John’s taxis, that is, attacks on sight, which is what the evil devourers of beauty do. They didn’t like Riyald, whoever she was, so they only took you to see the bag ladies. `Money,` they’d say, and rub thumb and forefinger together. It was March when I left, and the Pseudi Winter was coming to a close. It'd been about as warm as a typically English Summer, so I’d needed the extra blanket and an electric fan heater from the local supermarket. Also surplus to excess baggage was the electrically heated water jug. I gathered the entirety together with some couple of dozen or so spare oranges I had in the fridge, and handed them over to the reception. It was the least I could do; so I was glad to do it. I left 100 SAR on the room table and left. The staff still looked glum, but they were pleased I was leaving. I was the one that used the prayer mat provided in the room for sopping up excess water as I defrosted the fridge.


 So, abiding in Buttapes awaiting permission to live. What if refused? Is it a sentence? Is it a fatwah on Wadjet or Epson? On my passport it says: `Her Britannic Majesty’s Secretary of State Requests and requires in the Name of Her Majesty all those whom it may concern to allow the bearer to pass freely without let or hindrance and to afford the bearer such assistance and protection as may be necessary.` It’s an exhortation that’s made me a rabbit in a hutch; more times than I like to admit so far. If you’re in ELT, you’re pretty much defenseless. In a few days your bones are picked clean, and they’re wondering what to do with you. I had a job waiting for Koo in Kuwait, and she’d finished with me before I arrived. I taught one class, before being told I was surplus to requirements and could go: I minded. American porn actress, Koo Stark, had said she'd wait forever for Print Sandy of England to make her his Wadjet. Kuwait had offered a year’s contract, and I’d turned down other offers. That was in 2004, and I had to wait another six years to buy somewhere to sleep. ELT is more often than not a rat’s maze for any other than the dilettante. It’s not about professionalism: it’s about who can afford to waste their time. I hate to say it, but who on Earth is going to work for $1000 a month if they’re professionals? Most jobs in Eastern Newrope’s ‘Hungair’ as well as a toe from Afreecar are clearly meant for holiday workers, or wet-behind-the-ears’ skull leavers; looking to tie bikers to a rear bumper. These are all that should be interested and, until ELT’s a valued and comparably paid profession, there’ll be no professionals. Writing, teaching, and sounding professional isn’t ever going to be enough; if all you’re ever going to be paid in are brass coat buttons for the uniform.




1 McCartney, Paul ‘We All Stand Together’, Paul McCartney And The Frog Chorus, Parlophone, 1984.

2 Lee, Jack ‘Hanging On The Telephone’, Blondie, Parallel Lines, Record Plant, 1984.

3 Vonnegut, Kurt Slaughterhouse-Five, Delacorte, 1969, p.86.

4 Skelton, Roy as Dalek (voices) in Genesis Of The Daleks, Season 12, Serial 4, BBC1, March 8 - April 12, 1975.

5 Bonham, John, John Paul Jones, Jimmy Page, and Robert Plant ‘Royal Orleans’, Led Zeppelin, Presence, Swan Song, 1976.

6 Boublil, Alain, and Claude-Michel Schönberg (English lyrics by Herbert Kretzmer) `I Dreamed A Dream`, Susan Boyle I Dreamed A Dream, Syco, 2010.

7 Heller, Joseph Catch 22, Simon & Schuster, 1961, Chapter 5, p. 46.

8 Brown, Andre, Darryl McDaniels, and Daryl Simmons, ‘Proud To Be Black’, Run DMC, Raising Hell, Profile, 1986.

9 Burroughs, William S., The Place Of Dead Roads, Viking Press, 1983, p. 155.

10 The shock when this actually happens is murderous. I carefully read 6” before stepping in at the end of one public swimming pool. It was 6’ 6", but the first number had been erased over time by the abrasive soles of the feet of the myriads of visitors. I hit my head going down, and was unconscious before my feet hit bottom. Fortunately people float, and I was found being blown around by the wind on the surface. I was 15.


Answer Key


perpendicular, isn’t, Brasiliass, too, bigger, fat


Q1. The grass is perpendicular and the sun is bigger.


Q2. The teacher is fat and the stud`nts are too.


Q3. Each morning I eat and each evening I eat.


Q4. Brasilia is the capital of Brasiliass and Sydney isn`t.


Q5. Robin likes to go but Crushedin likes tug – 'Oh!'


The Secret Life of an English Language Teacher

07/02/2012 03:29

The Secret Life of an English Language Teacher


The mind of an English language teacher is a curious place. `None curiouser,` as the protagonist of Lewis Carroll`s Alice In Wonderland (1865) might have said to the Dormouse floating amongst the teabags in the pot. Spending most of my classroom time in a reverie that has little to do with the stud`nts in front, and almost nothing to do with ELT at all, what they don`t prepare for in `Classroom Management` is trying to remain awake when explaining for the zillionth time: `The sun is yellow`. The worst aspect from the professional`s point of view is the built in obsolescence of the old grey matter. Our head chuck occasion system emphasizes brightness and sharpness, but how quick does a mind have to be to explain the color of grass to, let`s say a Frenchman, who already has the French adjective vert in their vocabulary? ELT is often a bit like telling people that the sky is blue, and they can`t see it. Chuck, the Head.



 `Drilling` is what it is often termed. However, the well of understanding is often dry. The indefinite article can be explained till the face is as blue as the sky. However, if the stud`nt can`t perceive the logical flaw in saying `a orange` and `an banana`, it`ll take a road drill to make any impression. Without saying absolutely that ELT classrooms are replete with dullards, for a teacher with even a modicum of intellectual ambition, the giving of lessons can be a dull and dulling procedure.



`We want grammar,` the stud`nts never tire of demanding, `what`s a gerund?` When the pocket with the grammar book finally produced the answer (the first time this question was asked), it was laughter out loud. It is, of course, the -ing ending. Thinking it might be something challenging, and of some interest, no. It was the verbal noun formulation. In possession of the knowledge what to say is known, but the first time it`s an unwelcome trial. Now classes receive this brief exercise in the hope that someone will see that there`s fun in there somewhere:


Put one of the following into the gaps in order to make a complete sentence.


screaming, driving, laughing, swimming, ululating


Q 1. The __________ of the spider monkeys was like the sound of a cat hurtling down the street with twelve empty umbadinga bean tins tied to its tail.


Q 2. In the __________ onslaught of the heavy down pouring of rain there were no dalmations.


Q 3. The __________ of the children belied the fate of the hapless squirrel as he tried to climb out of the ditch he had fallen out of the oak tree and into.


Q 4.  The __________ of the fish in the river was likened by old Tom the gardener to the movement of leaves on the tree in a stiffish breeze.


Q 5. The __________ of Sarah Michelle Gellar in Buffy The Vampire Slayer helped send the tired philatelist to sleep that very same evening.



 Most unsolicited questions are unwelcome. Generally, politeness expedites swiftly passing on. Moreover, most quizzing is ungermane, or beside the point. `I`ll explain it to you, but we have to look at this today,` is usually sufficient to obviate the quizzer. A stud`nt asked me, `What did you have for lunch?` `Wrong!` he crowed when receiving a thoughtless reply. Apparently he`d been sitting at a table in the cafeteria opposite and had seen the consumption of the comestibles first hand. This is what most quizzings are about. To admit lying through the teeth when advertising that the present continuous of the verb requires the present tense of the verb `to be` together with the main verb and the gerund (-ing) ending. This exercise bolsters veracity. However, the heart knows that it’s already been tried and convicted:


The following sentences need to be completed with the correct verb endings.


Q 1. The gerbil in the cage is __________ his food. (paint)


Q 2. The hamsters are __________ strip poker. (play)  


Q 3. Each rabbit is brilliant at __________ a basket for the LA Lakers. (make)


Q 4. Every guinea pig is __________ six packs of Rothmans a day. (smoke)


Q 5. Both white mice are __________ a gambling casino in Shoreditch. (run)


 Being interviewed by telephone for jobs in the Muddle East lasts at least 30 minutes, and takes in the guided tour of self-promotion. A common task is elaborating upon how to tackle a class with the debilitating lack of not being able to understand the difference between `countable and uncountable nouns`. The gamut is run. Explaining that the SS must be checked to know their `indefinite articles`, then `some` and `any`, and that `some` is for countable and uncountable but that `any` is for questions and negatives, the `phoners get this short test as an instance of how the teacher learn the extent of the SS` apprehension:


Use `a, an, some` or `any` to complete the sentencing.


Q 1. Are there __________ elephants at the disco?


Q 2. There isn`t __________ elephant in the fridge. (more than one answer is possible)


Q 3. __________ elephantine traces have been found in a shoe box behind the garage. (more than one answer is impossible)


Q 4. The missing elephant was discovered in __________ local supermarkets at the back of __________ shelves. It had carefully concealed itself inside dozens of tins of spaghetti meatballs that were now well past their sell by date of January 5th 2007.


Q 5. Several people questioned admitted to having knowingly eaten __________ elephant that morning. (clever trousers)



 The idea that there were elephants in Yarubeer surprises; just as much as calling the people ‘a beer’ where alcohol is ‘haraam’ (forbidden). Looking upon the empty wilderness of the desert cultivates the imagination, if nothing else, when walking through it. Remembering the science fiction novel, Dune (1965), by Frank Herbert, and its `worms`, for example. Huge creatures, like hose-pipes, with maws as wide as a canyon. Called Shai Hulud in the Dune series of novels, they are called Shaitan by the Yarupric-style peoples of Herbert`s worlds: rising to the sound of footsteps in the sand to swallow everything in their locale. As Massai warriors, who kill lions to prove their manhood in Africa, the people of the planet of Arrakis, where Dune takes place, ride their worms. `Shaitan` translates as `Satan` in English and, as might be anticipated, it’s an evil djinn (genius) in Yarubeer. In Dune the worms` waste product is the spice mélange, which navigators of ships between the stars ingest to be able to guide themselves and their cargo instantaneously through the vastnesses of space and time. During ISIL`s wars to create an independent Levant, the wheeled konks of Yarubeer, that is, the big noses up that way, filled their tanks with oil, so that the metal elephants could rogue throughout the Muddle East having a long drunk. That Herbert’s prescient genius with the Dune series was the world of the wheeled worm in segments.


 Always aware of the need to be culturally sensitive, exercises in Yarubeer were liberally laced with references to local flora and fauna. Like this exercise; for example, in which the ss are invited to use the appropriate form of the verb `to be`:


Q 1. Abdul __________ riding his camel with his friends.


Q 2. The camels __________ being heavily ridden by the young boy and his friends.


Q 3. The camel __________ excited and eyes begin to roll.


Q 4. The boy and his friends __________ now tired.


Q 5. The eyes of the camels __________ now clear and __________ looking homewards to where soft pillows and mother is waiting for them.


 Receiving invitations from young men in Yarubeer to go out into the desert in their SUVs to ride their camels, be careful. Camel riding can be a dangerous pursuit. Men return from a camel ride barely able to walk the following day. Although camel riding is traditional in the Muddle East, most Westerners are not used to such cultural diversity. A good rule of thumb is to first check and be assured that there will actually be camels present.



 Watching camel riding on TV, it`s a strange sport. Feeling concern for the tiny monkey on the camel`s back as the creature lunges around the race circuit, `How does the poor thing stay on there?` The stud`nts freed me from anguish by explaining that the `monkey` was, in fact, the camel`s `guidance system`. This horsey set`s equivalent of the cattle prod, without which the apparently monkey-ridden (but actually completely riderless) camels would probably lollop around bumping into each other for a while; before having sex and falling asleep in the sand. Like people, in fact: the resemblance is uncanny.



 Coming back from a particularly hard spot of camel riding with my young friends in the desert (just watching), was to understand that going anywhere fast as an ELT pro wasn’t to be. The problem of conjugating the verb `to camel ride` had been writhing around in the bonce for much of the sojourning there amongst the palms and clear blue waterfalls and pools of the local wadis and oases. Touching a bald spot to find fingers aflame, the path must`ve been subverted by a shaitan. Indeed, according to Yarubean tradition, another class of djinn was needed, the afrit, which are believed to be able to control a shaitan. In the West, afrit would be categorized as being amongst the `little people`. Moreover, controlling Satan is a titanic task. Crushteens offer only the example of She`sus, while the djinn (as is She`sus) are a part of the teaching of the Muzzlem’s Gran. Perhaps she could help me? Obviously, spending all my free time being taken for a ride in the desert, bouncing around in SUVs, was pitiful. Pondering in the sand, `Is it possible to believe in fairies and She’sus?` Musing, and trudging on amongst hills that look like heaps of gold dust, `Well, She’sus is all I`ve got.’



 Visitors to London’s ‘big smoke’ from Yarubeer expect to find streets `paved with gold` and are disappointment when they see grey flatness and cigarette butts, `Wait until you see Buttapes!` It`s ironic when, with all the azure of sapphire sea, and gold of the sand to attract, the precious stuff in Yarubeer is the black stickiness and smelliness of oil. Discarding her burkha, Sumiya stood beside me in the Portobello Road. I`ve never seen anyone wear a T-shirt better than her. Yarubean women are like that. Western women choose clothes they like. Yarubean women choose clothes to wear. Somehow wearing the black sacking coverall of the burkha from puberty protects them from being deformed by ill-chosen fittings of garments that, though fashionable, aren`t conducive to womanly development. In the eight-inch platform shoes of the 70s, I learnt to play soccer with a tennis ball. However, at 16 osteomyelitis crippled me, a bone-crumbling illness, and at 27 the local hospital in ‘Ull wanted to amputate a leg gone gangrenous. Not knowing when to sacrifice fashion for healthy bodily development means trouble.



 Working for London based language skulls, like Language Wank, without working in London, or England, it`s the interminable vetting through application forms, and police checks, that deter. Contemplating England is to be accused of being a paedophile junkie, and guilty until proven innocent. As a professional teacher, prima facie accusation isn’t a basis for seeking employment. Then there’s the `dummy lesson`. Offered a job in Buttapes teaching `companies`, agreeing to arrive at the place of activity by 7.15 am would have meant my daily rising from the lump of undifferentiated folds of bed fabric at 5.00 am. However, a twenty-minute ‘demo’ was suggested. The same question comes into the mind as when cogitating working in the UK, `Do you want a teacher, or do you want an applicant?` Many companies employ from within, although they advertise publicly as a government requirement. Consequently, the jobless apply for positions already filled. Companies complete their quota of application forms to conform to Whitehall`s fetishistic desire that the unemployed are kept moving in their circle of hell. When asked to demonstrate my skills of fifteen years` acquiring, ‘Are they seriously going to offer criticism?’ Witness the post-apocalyptic feedback:


`Congratulations. That was very good.`


`Thank you.`


`There`s just one thing.`




`Your pronunciation of `distributor cap`. Shouldn`t the emphasis in the word be on the second syllable?`


`That would by `distreebutor cap`, wouldn`t it?`


`Yes, that`s right. [half non-apologetic smile].`


`I believe my pronunciation is the correct one.`


`Yes, of course. I was only wondering.. [tails off into semi-accusatory limbo].`


`Was there anything else you found noteworthy?`


`You know that `eat` in English and `itt` in Hungriun sound the same but mean different things entirely, that is, `eat` in English means `to consume food` and `itt` in Hungriun means `here`?`


`Yes. `Itt at Jo`s, for example`.`


`But your name is Robin, yes?`


`Yes, I was joking.`


`Really [scribbles on paper and looks wary].`


`I think humour is important in the classroom.`


 `Yes, we do. Have you heard the one about the Englishman and the Hungriun. They go into a pub together and the Hungriun orders a meal. The Englishman can`t understand the menu. `Learn Hungriun` says the Hungriun and carried on eating. `Do you know any Hungriun?`


`Kicsit [a little].`


`Nagyon jó. Szép beszél [very good, you speak beautifully]. Welcome to London nyelviskola [language skull].`


`Thank you.`


 That was the interview. I`d already `performed`. Here`s the most memorable extract.


`Good afternoon [pregnant silence, festering like a boil on the buttock of eternity].`


`First, I would like to introduce myself.` I draw a picture of a robin on the board. `This is what my name means in English,` I tell them. R-O-B-I-N I write the legend onto the wipe board. `It is an Xmas bird. Or, as you say in Hungriun, `karácsonyi modár`.`


`Nagyon szép beszél Magyorul!`


- and I`m in.

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A Game Sport

11/12/2017 02:16
  A Game Sport   Background   The 15 male adult class of intermediate level Asian students sent by a government college for people living and working in Saudi Arabia to a language school there to improve their English language usage, so that they have a common means of communication...


11/12/2017 01:52
  Pottered   Background   The teenage class is a general International English Language Testing System group of upper intermediate level students who want to achieve 6.5 band IELTS to get into a European University, where they`ll study English literature, and so they need to be...
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