A Word From The Cutting Edge Of ELT

22/12/2012 17:09

A Word From The Cutting Edge Of ELT


Upon the frosted plate of the glass doors of Bull language skull in Triple ‘E’, Livya, engraved was a cued black 8 pool ball. Obviously a reference to the US’ eviction of the Iraqi army from Kuwait in 1991. It wouldn’t be long before there was another run after an overthrow. After civil war began between government forces and rebel insurgents, it was suggested the teachers leave in order to be safe. Livya was next in the queue for the black 8 ball. Bull still managed to treat me as a recalcitrant slave black before the plane took off, `Unfortunately, this lesson met the standards required by Bull.` Reading management’s comments another of my impeccable teaching performances had been observed, it was clearly ‘unfortunate’, because Bull’s efforts in Livya were about to be curtailed by the 2011 revolution. However, Bert’s ‘unfortunate’ remark suggested that a passing performance, in the role of English language teacher, inside a war zone for Bull language skull, was to the discredit of the company.



 Arriving in Buttapes, the apartment was discovered broken into. Rentashag arrived, about 20 of the local Hungry bullies. In my best Omoani thob, I said, ‘I'm fine. Moreover, I have a billion Hungriun forints on my cash card`. Having stripped me to my underwear, came handcuffing, and being dragged kicking down several four flights of stairs in the middle of the night, while kicked, before thrown into a minibus. Restrained at the hospital for more than twelve hours, an injection was administered through the penis’ urethra, which was assumedly a sterilizing agent. Returning to Bide-a-Wee, the box-room converted into a W.C., the abused passport lay tousled upon the bedclothes, `We, Her Britannic Majesty's Secretary of State requests and requires in the name of Her Majesty all those whom it may concern to allow the bearer to pass freely without let or hindrance and to afford the bearer such assistance and protection as may be necessary.` The credit card was missing, along with the opaque orange plastic topped, and orange see through plastic container which, to emphasize the orangey flavor and derived content of the vitamin C 1000 mg tablets, was orange.



 Legging it for Riyald to work for Edax, after carefully considering the neck's move, it became evident that Edax was an ELT provider, rather than the Newark, New Jersey, manufacturer of alprostadil which, injected into the urethra for erectile dysfunction would, under the circumstances, have constituted a much better reason for accepting the offer of employment. My e-mail `handle` at the Konk Pseud Universe City was russia.c@ksu.edu.sa. Obviously, `C` for orange. At semester’s close, Performance Management Assessment`s `traffic light` system was applied to evaluation and assessment. As there’d been no teaching `CA` (Continuous Assessment), and no lesson observations, I was an ‘orange`. Further PD (professional development) was needed to maintain an erect status with Edax. Without attending any of the workshops, seminars or lectures by visiting professors from Norkopping or Bulawayo, which were held at regular spaced intervals at around 8.00 pm till 1.00 pm in the local Marriot or Sheraton hotels in Riyald, it mattered not an iota. Nor did my absence from the seemingly endless dizzying whirl of conferences on ‘The Importance and Virtue Of Ingrowing Toenails in the ELT Classroom', for example, or ‘How To Ensure That One`s Stud`nts Shoelaces Are Properly Tied', or even ‘The Blessings Of Knowing The Co-Efficient Variant In Statistics When Compiling One`s Stud`nts` Daily Attendance Register’.



 The central issue with regard to `retention`, as a green, rather than a dismissed red, and presumable ‘commie faggot’, with an attendant suspicion of being `agent orange` involved in defoliant activity against the Koreans (greens), during President Richard Milhous Nixon’s Indo-China war in the 70s, was whether or not my Genex Walkman had, or had not, been switched on while teaching. After a little espionage on the internet, I discovered a link to author, Holly Lauren, who’d written the GenEx series of novels, ‘Six months after graduating from high school, nothing in Bennett Park is like it used to be. Zay and Chapel aren’t together. Timmy won’t speak to anyone. Erica is acting strange. Jackson is missing. The factions have been disbanded. And Todd Taylor is President of The Invisibles.’1 Genex was both an SF cosmos, and a company of stud farmers. As Genex was also a magazine for female body sculptors, PD was in the cards, with Edax's treatment for 'erectile dysfunction' now visible on the horizon of my future: `Genex offers high-quality semen from profitable sires along with a customized approach to genetic and reproductive programs.`2 Apparently, although the earbuds were in my pocket, a `colleague` detected a `buzzing` during the `buzz` (Edax `speak` for an unannounced and unrecorded ‘lesson observation’), so a `verbal warning` was given,  which was later upgraded to a hard paper copy requiring my signature. Signed on the understanding that, trivial, it`d have no bearing on `retention`, imagine my surprise when, on the evaluation and assessment sheet, recording my progress as a teacher of ABC English at the SUK, the written reproof meant I was an `orange`.



 Accepting the accolades, a flight home was booked for the summer break; on the understanding that an ‘ob’ would ensue upon return. As US’ General Douglas MacArthur’d promised the Philupyournose (with coke) after the Jap Pinny's (with their Mason's trowels) invasion of 1942, 'I shall return.’3 Be a red, or a Korean. Anything’s better than being an orange. However, it was disclosed that `retention` by Edax wasn`t now an option, although the standards required by the SUK had been met, because: `Urine retention, which occurs when the bladder is full and begins filling the urethra with urine, can ... stimulate the penis enough to cause an erection.` My prominence amongst the ELT ‘crowd’ was perceived by the SUK to be urine-based and, though perhaps green, not sufficiently so to merit being awarded Korean status, and an iqama. However, there was blood in the old p*nis yet. As was testified by the length of the envy queue for thumbing out at close of business through the electronic gate each day. Although undergoing ‘CA’ to qualify as a cuntinuous ass didn`t arouse any envy, a taxi half an hour after everyone else had left, meant escaping being the hotel's busboy.



 Due to fly back to Buttapes on the 12th June, June 12th arrived with no sign of an exit visa for the passport. Enquiries uncovered the difficulty. I was summoned by Mustapha Caliph, whose name originally I’d thought was a question, ‘Must I fuck, or leave?’ I’d said, ‘I don’t know.’ According to Pseudi regulations, passports had to be forwarded to one`s employers for visa renewal after expiry, that is, May 10th in this case, so as to avoid a 12, 000 SAR fine. It’d been sent to Fedax and on to Edax at Exit 9 on April 28th (tracking code no. 8993 2716 1224). However, there’d been a post-letter dysfunction. Edax’d lost it. Consequently, ‘orange’ meant ‘pause’ during the heat of another series of ‘dog day afternoons’ with the Muttawahs, who yet wanted my prayerful nose closer to the woofing of their mats.


1 Bound4Escape: Everything About Books, ‘Book Review: Veritas by Holly Lauren, https://bound4escape.com/2016/03/01/book-review-veritas-by-holly-lauren/ .

2 Genex, https://genex.crinet.com/ .

3 MacArthur, Douglas The Advertiser, Adelaide, March 21, 1942, p. 1.