Smart Plank Boarding: ELT Isn’t Apolitical

30/06/2022 19:07

Smart Plank Boarding: ELT Isn’t Apolitical


The term ‘waterboarding’ became quite well known, as a form of torture used during the Gulf wars with Moslem Iraq, and for the interrogating of prisoners, especially those suspected of being terrorists, at the United States’ Guantanamo Bay detention center facility on the Caribbean island of Cuba, south of the southern coast state of Florida, originally seized by the Christian US during its support for Cuba’s independence in the April 21st-August 13th 1898 Spanish-American war, before Cuba’s signing of a lease, giving the use of ‘Gitmo’ as a ‘coaling and Navy station’1 in 1903, in exchange for the US guaranteeing Cuba’s independence.

 However, the 17th-20th April, 1961, military defeat at the ‘Bay of Pigs’, during the US’ Central Intelligence Agency (CIA)  funded volunteer Cuban exiles’ 2506 Brigade invasion by sea at the inlet of the Gulf of Cazones, located on Cuba’s southern coast, which failed to overthrow the Communist regime of President Fidel Castro, didn’t pass muster with the member states of the United Nations (UN) as fostering Cuban freedom, while Russia took the opportunity in May, 1962, to place medium range theatre of war, R-12 Dvina (Двина), ballistic missiles on Cuba, capable of delivering nuclear weapons against the US, on the understanding they were defending Cuban independence, which almost led to a ‘hot’ war, and aside from his extra-marital affair with movie star, Marilyn Monroe, as Lorelei Lee singing ‘Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend’ in Gentleman Prefer Blondes (1953), undoubtedly contributed to the killing of then US President John ‘Jack’ F. Kennedy in Dallas, Texas, by unknown sniper, on November 22nd, 1963, allegedly from a ‘grassy knoll’ near Dealey Plaza, shot in the back and head, while traveling backseat with wife, Jaqueline ‘Jackie’ née Bouvier, in an open top 1961 Lincoln Continental, made by the Ford Motor Company, code named X-100 by the Secret Service, along crowd lined Elm Street, as part of a formal motorcade:


‘A kiss on the hand

May be quite continental,

But diamonds are a girl's best friend.’2



 The use of ‘smartboarding’ by the unscrupulous, to torture and interrogate teachers, in order to gain access to property and facilities, though deployed in a way similar to waterboarding, isn’t so widely comprehended. Waterboarding, of course, simulates drowning by stuffing wet cloth into the mouths of the tortured in order to obtain information, for example, about terrorist activity. Typical smartboarding is students asking, ‘Are you alone here?’ and teachers replying, as happened to me in Moslem Kyrgyzstan’s Batken region, ruggedly independent from Moscow, since August 31st, 1991, and where everything officially is still written unofficially in the Russian Cyrillic script, ‘With you, tovarisch, loneliness is never a consideration to be entertained for very long.’


Fig. 1 Kyrgyzs Manas was the first khagan of the Yenisei Khaganate


 In the city of Kadamjay’s (КАДАМЖАЙ) ‘Semetey’, named for the son of legendary Manas (d. 711 C.E.), 7th century first khagan of the Yenisei Kyrgyz Khaganate (see Figure 1), the Sapat schools’ lyceum for boys is Turkish-Kyrgyz, so explaining my ‘smartboarding’ by İstanbul Sabiha Gökçen (SAW) airport baggage controllers, who mugged me for what ELT teachers are, presumably, unwittingly for, that is, transporting disassembled multi-headed screwdriver bits (see Figure 2), costing in Kyrgyzstan roughly the equivalent of $ US 1.05 ¢ (100 Kyrgyzs Som), which laptop maintenance equipage I might never be able to afford again upon my return to Europe to perforce give up, as a late Eastern Orthodox, 7th January, Xmas gift, to luggage inspection, hopefully without incurring any more turkey; unorthodox, or the usual gobbler’s.

 After an umpteenth lesson observation, this time by no one associated with the Semetey school at all, but who wanted the job I’d only started in Autumn 2021, I was asked, ‘Do you have family?’ Somewhat peeved, subsequent to an earlier impromptu ‘ob’, before parents, some wearing the traditional Moslem Turkish-Kyrgyzs high crowned, distinguishingly decorated, Al (white) Kalpak, cap (see Figure 3), who ‘just thought they’d show up’ for a Solutions Elementary, Unit 3, ‘Style’, Exercise 2, page 32, ‘Read the Tweets: find the name, date and location of the music festival they are describing’, at my 7th grade English language class, 1st floor, room 206, in no mood for small talk, I’d replied ‘No, so you can’t shoot ‘em.’ ‘We do,’ he said. Jobs with the obviously boys.


Fig. 2 Multi bit screwdriver set


 Waterboarding concerned the US, subsequent to the hijacking of civil airliners on September 11, 2001, by the Moslem extremist Al Qaeda group, ‘the base’, led by Saudi Arabian business heir, Osama Ben Laden, formerly based in Khartoum, Sudan (1992-96), before the US’ bombing there of the reputedly chemical weapons factory, al-Shifa, and after the successful, with Moslem Saudi ‘Wahhabi’ support, war against officially atheist Russia’s USSR (1979-89). Laden, along with 35,000 Saudi ‘Wahhabi’, financially assisted by rich royals, ‘The House of Saud’, and after praying in Mecca, at the holy shrine of Abraham, the burka box (see Figure 4), Ka’ Ba, for better meat inside their burger bar drive-in buns, fought and won, but astonishingly lost their beef with McDonald’s; the children more at home to the Disney tie in, ‘Ferdinand The Bull’,3 promotional butcher’s film.

 Muhammad ibn ʿAbd al-Wahhab (1703-1792 C.E.) founded Wahhabism, the ultra-conservative Sunni branch of Islam, which ostensibly replaced the worship of Baal, the bull god, with the Koran (610-30 C.E.) of the Prophet Mohamed (570-632 C.E.), dictated by the angels of God, according to Islamic tradition, and distinct from the Shia branch of Islam, founded by the Prophet Mohamed’s putative successor, cousin and son-in-law, ʿAlī ibn Abī  Ṭālib (c. 600-661 C.E.).

 Laden’s relocated Al Qaeda, on 9/11, 2001, operating under the auspices of the notoriously misogynist Moslem Taliban regime of Kabul, Afghanistan, trained militarily by Moslem Pakistan’s inter-services Intelligence (ISI), was toppled through US’ army invasion by December 30th, 2001, but the Taliban reinstated themselves, after guerilla war with the mainly Protestant British (52%) and Americans (43%),4 that is, those who believe that God’s business is with them, rather than with the Catholics’ Pope in Rome, by August 18th, 2021, so causing distress to many hundreds of ecumenically trapped ELT professionals forced to live there in fear for their lives.

 They’d become used to it since Bosnia’s war with Herzegovina (1992-95), during the break-up of the former Soviet Empire’s artificial super-state, Yugoslavia, and the internecine genocide perpetrated by Christian Serbs against approximately 8,000 Moslem Bosniak men and boys in the town of Srebrenica, Republika Srpska, for example. The UK, after sending ELT professionals throughout the globe, subsequent to the high street bank (Lloyds, Barclays, etc.) grant funded training for business programs, which Universities and colleges perforce had to adapt to in 1998, after the collapse of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (CCCP), with the declaration of a supposedly liberal, modern, business-oriented Russian Federation in 1991, withdrew from the EU at 23.00 GMT on January 31st, 2020, so avenging themselves on the pre-bank funded free education ‘spongers’, that is, the bums they’d made homeless, after sending them to be perceived as whores by foreign students complaining they weren’t getting enough from the hour that they’d paid for.


Fig. 3 Al Kapak wearers


 On 9/11, 2001, two planes, AA Flight 11 and UA Flight 175 en route to L.A. (LAX), hijacked at Boston, Logan airport, Massachusetts, were crashed, within an hour of each other by Al Qaeda terrorist hijackers, amongst them operational leader, Egyptian Mohamed Atta, who amongst others had studied at Huffman Aviation, Venice Municipal Airport, Florida state, into the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center, Lower Manhattan, city of New York’s Manhattan Island, New York state, and AA Flight 77 en route to L.A. (LAX), hijacked at Dulles airport, Washington D.C., was crashed into the building housing the Defense Department, city of Arlington, Virginia state. The WTC was penetrated at 8.46 am (North Tower), and 9.03 am (South Tower), and a wall of the Pentagon at 9.37 am (West side) that ill-fated Tuesday morning.

 A fourth plane, UA 93 en route to San Francisco (SFO), hijacked at Newark Liberty airport, New Jersey, reputedly on course for President George W. Bush Jnr’s official Whitehouse residence in Washington D.C., was wrested from terrorist control by passengers and crew over Indian Lake, Shanksville, Pennsylvania state, crashing at 10.03 am in a field near a reclaimed coal strip mine, Diamond T., owned b  y PBS Coals, Stonycreek Township, Somerset County, which resulted in the US authorizing the interrogation of detained terrorist suspects, as an emergency measure, at its globally located CIA ‘black sites’, which might explain the UK’s offloading of its ‘free love’ hippies abroad in ELT programs, after 1998’s growing belief that they’d freeloaded for decades, as what the US were pleased to call in the 1960s, unemployable ‘long hair pinko commie faggots’, for example, as evinced in Charlie Daniels ‘redneck’ lyrics to ‘Uneasy Rider’ from the Charlie Daniels Band pre-Soviet collapse, Honey in the Rock (1973), album:


‘Well, he's a friend of them long haired, hippy-type, pinko fags!

I betchya he's even got a commie flag

tacked up on the wall inside of his garage.’5


 In predominantly Roman Catholic Poland (92.8%),6 according to news agencies, there were black sites for those with concerns about loved ones whereabouts engaged in ELT provision on the former ‘Cold War’ (1945-89) battlefields of Eastern Europe, post-Brexit snows, where detention of suspects by Russia’s Soviet Union and its satellite states, such as Christian Poland, was opposed by application of US’ President Harry Truman’s ‘Truman Doctrine’, containing the spread of Communism, and enforced between March 12th, 1947 and December 26th, 1991, when Russia’s Eastern bloc collapsed, before its reemergence as a Federation, seeking admittance to the economic and political European Union, and thence to membership of the western defense alliance, the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO); Albania, Belgium, Bulgaria, Canada, Croatia, the Czech Republic, Denmark, Estonia, France, Germany, Greece, Hungary, Iceland, Italy, Latvia, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Montenegro, the Netherlands, North Macedonia, Norway, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Slovakia, Slovenia, Spain, Turkey, the United Kingdom, and the United States of America.

 Smartboarding requires access to a ‘plank’, which is a generic term for an unwitting stooge, for example, Huffman Aviation, Venice, Fla., which unwittingly trained Mohamed Atta as the AA Flight 11 pilot, American Airlines, themselves duped (North Tower, Pentagon), and United Airlines (South Tower, Shanksville), and/or what businessmen call ‘a mason’s fool’, that is, someone who isn’t aware of the role they play, but it’s played out because it has its use. Many University graduates from England, for example, were recruited as planks, that is, trained in teaching English as a foreign language (EFL), so that they could be sent overseas; as proxy school boarders for businesses with vested interests amounting to those of pirates. Standing smart and bored in front of the smart board, and the bored, with or without smarts, the ELT professional represented the gangplank, that is, the plank over which the gang board, like privateers listening to some voice from another shore, an aspect of another state's economy.


Fig. 4 The shrine of Abraham, Ka’ Ba, Mecca, KSA, with bull’s shoe


 The Cov-SARS 2 virus, which made a large proportion of English language teaching professionals redundant, both in the sense that they couldn’t work abroad, because of epidemiological restrictions, and/or their unfamiliarity with the usability of online technologies to provide ELT, which was beyond the scope of many formerly employed to give language lessons only in the classroom, was an aspect of the firers, that is, those employers who wanted to be rid of the planks, so that the bored meat was more regular and accepting of whatever motion was tabled.

 Monitored by educational institutions on a global scale, ELT’s surviving exponents in the art of passing a motion, although students prefer to call it, ‘walking the plank’ between classrooms, were subjected to the online version of the Cov-SARS 2 virus, the firers, seeking to get the gang aboard over the burning plank, embarrassed, red faced, and generally overheated with confusion, as to what was so important about ensuring that each of the online guests to the virtual classroom wear Porky Pig (see Figure 5) face masks,7 while attempting to elicit significance from the educator’s mumblings, almost inaudible behind his/her own oral ‘codpiece’,* with its mandatory Chilly Willy designer imagery,8 because they’ve seen that the plank’s been inculcating learning, which is the reason for the firers, who want their own people amongst the bored members, and don’t abhor the deployment of an inexpensive ‘biological warfare suit’; if it assists in the smart borers achieving that.

 After the plank has been walked, the marchers amongst the students having struck, the firers inside the local skulls, sporting their codpieces before their mouths, tacitly refusing oral examinations, remain uncontaminated nationalists, preserving the integrity of their linguistic heritage, against the efforts of the infidel to pollute their minds, with alternatively useful modes of expressivity, favored by the speech requirements of the United States of America’s business-savvy weltanschauung, because they believe in slavery for intellectual ‘long hairs,’ who think they can make a difference to the planet; changing the world they live in, so to experience that which is indefinably unique for every person: happiness.


Fig. 5 Porky Pig face mask


 The small bores in the skullroom, joined by larger, meaner, more cost-conscious, managerial bores, at first fire only planks, replacing them with bores that are bigger and more suited to the needs of the economist for holes of their own sort. In Saudi Arabia, for example, Universities were green, if employing mainly Saudis, and bloody oranges, if they employed some few foreigners to teach English, but bright red, if the numbers of planks, without the firers, were too high.

 The ‘traffic light' system was applied by nation states globally, after the severe acute respiratory syndrome (SARS) was discovered at a hospital in Wuhan city, which housed the Chinese/American company, Lenovo, provider of artificially intelligent (AI) traffic lights,9 in Hubei Province, Communist China, on December 1st, 2019. Lenovo donated to Wuhan emergency hospital facilities, ‘traffic light’ IT to monitor, and so control, the spread of the virus,10 debilitating to the natural human brain, during the pandemic, while escalations were indicated by labeling countries red, for no-go, orange for those in transition, after the anti-virus (AV) vaccine against Covid-19 was administered, and green-for-go video.

 According to structural anthropologist, Claude Lévi-Strauss (1908-2009), traffic lights are structural, that is, a part of nature,11 which finds correspondence in the structure of the human brain. Thinking in traffic light terms, brains that are damaged require more external direction, which English democratic socialist writer, George Orwell, in his critique of totalitarianism, 1984 (1948), called ‘Big Brother’. As the brain damaged planks lost ground to the firers, so they couldn’t star in the  company video (Co., Vid.), because they’d been stopped in ‘the red light district’, the company of the bored grew, almost as fast as the bores, gathering around the halls of their Chambers of Commerce, could fire us.


Fig. 6 Naryn mosque, Naryn region, Kyrgyzstan


 Business and Christianity go hand in hand in western civilization and culture. However, three world wars in the 20th century; the First with the German Christian Empire (1914-18); the Second with disaffected National Socialist (Nazi) Germany (1939-45), smarting after defeat, and the Third with Iraq, a supporter of Germany in WWII, beginning with the first Gulf war (1990-91), after dictator Saddam Hussein’s army invaded fellow Moslem state, Kuwait, for its oil, and continuing against ISIL, the Independent State of Islam in the Levant, subsequent to the US invasion of Iraq in March 2003, when Saddam Hussein, consequent to 9/11, 2001, offered bases to Al Qaeda there, was more suggestive of the shadow of the vampire, that is, property thieves (businessmen) benefiting from the deaths of the children they’d grown for war, which image, strengthened by the specter of the US’ B2 Spirit ‘stealth’ bomber, flew like a bat in its own darkness, dropping ‘blockbusters’ on the humanity cowering in fear beneath its wings.


Fig. 7 Sphinx with Cheops


 The mosques of the Moslems of the nations of Islam are gigantic in human terms (see Figure 6), as they’re mausoleums (Moslems). Despite western assertions that the mansion, manse, mausoleum progression is from life to spirituality in preparation for death’s tomb, amongst the Moslems in the Middle East and elsewhere, mausoleums are retirement homes for the rich, as the history of the rulers of ancient Egypt, the Pharaohs, with their gods, goddesses, and pyramids, such as that of Khufu  (see figure 7) of the 4th dynasty, constructed c. 2600 B.C., at Giza on the outskirts of the modern Moslem capital city, Cairo, illustrate, which is what business and Christianity’s slave virus fights to possess. As the planks are fired, so the smarts are replaced with the wing tip collars of the vampire, because the battle for possession is taken into the skullrooms where, AIDS and SARS having made reluctant virgins, the bores bore until every mouse hole is possessed by the company of the bored.




* From Middle English (M.E.) ‘cod’, scrotum; an often leather cup, and largely fashion accessory in the 15th and 16th centuries that, worn outwardly upon the front of the garment, enclosed the genitals for protection; similar in intent to the modern athlete’s jockstrap, which is worn beneath external clothing.


Works Cited


1 Suellentrop, Chris ‘How Did the U.S. Get A Naval Base in Cuba?’, Slate, ‘News and Politics’, January 18th, 2002, 5. 25 pm, .

2 Styne,  Jule, (music), and Leo Robin (lyrics) ‘Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend’(1949), Monroe, Marilyn as Lorelei Lee in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, 20th Century Fox, 1953.

3 Nicol, Mark, and David Williams ‘Abandoned: Teachers who gave English classes and promoted  UK values too across Afghanistan now live in fear of the Taliban’, Mailonline, August 12th, 2021, 12.27 am, .

4 Kahl, Milt, original cartoonist and voice, ‘Ferdinand the Bull’, Walt Disney Productions, Academy Award for Best Animated Short Film, 1938; guest Ferdinand The Bull appearance, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, Amblin Entertainment, 1988; computer generated feature length animation, Ferdinand The Bull, Blue Sky Studios, Inc., 2017.

5 Daniels, Charlie ‘Uneasy Rider’, Charlie Daniels Band, Honey in the Rock, Kama Sutra, 1973.

6 Berendt, Joanna, and Nicholas Kulish ‘Polish Ex-Official Charged With Aiding CIA’, New York Times, March 27th, 2012, .

7 Freleng, Friz, original Porky Pig cartoonist, redesigned by Frank Tashlin and Tex Avery for Warner Bros. Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies, ‘I Haven’t Got A Hat’, etc., 1935-.

8 Smith, Paul J., original Chilly Willy cartoonist, redesigned by Tex Avery for Walter Lantz Productions, ‘Chilly Willy’, etc., 1953-.

9 Lenovo, StoryHub, ‘Smart Technology Helps Control City Traffic’, October 29th, 2019, .

10 Udin, Efe ‘Lenovo Group’s First Batch of IT Equipment Arrives at Wuhan’, , January 28th, 2020.

11 Leach, Edmund Ronald Claude Lévi-Strauss, ‘Oysters, Smoked Salmon, and Stilton Cheese’, Penguin, London, 1970, Ch. 2, p. 19.